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December 02, 2003

A Christmas Story

Message of The Day, 12/02/2003

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Yasser Araflatus that all the Jews should be killed...

And all went to kill Jews, every one into his own city.

And Yusef also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into the West Bank, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem;

And with him went Miriam, one of his espoused wives, who was fat as a Fatah member on the dole, for she was great with child.

And verily did Yusef say unto Miriam; "Pray unto Allah for a boy, for if you are delivered of a girl, I shall beat you about the chest and belly with heavy leather straps, and your bruises shall not be seen by any eye but mine own."

And Miriam did pray unto Allah, begging him for a boy and an heir to the house of Yusef, for she had not recovered from her last beating.

And Yusef did also pray unto Allah, praising him greatly and at length, and thanking Allah for the voluminous robes of the women, for they did allow him to beat his wife with impunity.

And Allah did hear the prayer of Yusef, but not the prayer of Miriam, for who really cares what women have to say?

And Allah, as a sign of his favor, land his hand upon the unborn child of Yusef and Miriam, and did write his name upon the cheek of the child. But as the womb of Miriam was dark, and Allah not much for spelling to begin with, being a God of illiterate herders and desert raiders, Allah did misspell his own name, leaving only "Ala" upon the cheek of the infant and "wuz heer" on the side of Miriam's womb.

And so it was, that, while Yusef and Miriam were in Bethlehem, the days were accomplished that Miriam should be delivered.

And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes that Yusef begged of a Jew while casing the security at a nearby daycare center, and laid him in a manger; because Yusef, after the manner of the all the men in his family, for he was of the Line of Yasser, cared intimately for the birds of the field and the asses of the manger.

And many people did espy the child, for a Palestinian Public Manger is a busy place indeed, and cried aloud at the markings upon his cheek, for if the people squinted in just the right way, the markings appeared to resemble writing of some kind.

And there were in the same country Hamas Recruiters abiding in the basements of the city, keeping watch over their flocks of brain-washed lunatics by night.

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid, for they were followers of Allah. But the angel sniffed and made a face, as if he had smelled the wind of the Devil, and departed from them. And after the angel did depart a Member of Fatah did pop out from the corner behind which he had been cowering in fear.

And the Member said unto them, Fear not: for I think he did not see us. And behold! I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall allow us to kill even more Jews.

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a useful tool, which is a baby with some crap upon his cheek. And as this hideous disfigurement does almost resemble a word, we shall proclaim him a "Miracle Baby" and use him to attract the superstitious and dim-witted to our cause.

And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in borrowed swaddling clothes, lying in the Public Manger on 45th street, surrounded by a gullible crowd of Easy Marks.

And suddenly there was with the Member a multitude of grossly overweight houris praising Allah and saying,

Glory to Allah in the highest, and on earth, go kill us some Israeli toddlers.

And it came to pass, as the houris were gone away from them into heaven, the Recruiters said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Fatah Member hath made known unto us.

And they came with haste, and found Miriam, and Yusef, and the babe lieing in the manger, telling all manner of Falsehoods, each of which was swallowed whole by the naifs surrounding them

And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the sayings which were told them concerning this child--That he was a Sign, and a Miracle, and a Portent of Things To Come, and He Wants You To Deliver Unto Me a Dollar.

And the Palestinians of Bethlehem did deliver unto the Recruiters many dollars, though some were Canadian. And the Hamas Recruiters and Fatah Members were well glad, for they were thus assured that the Palestinians were still mired in darkness and superstition, and thus not likely to wonder why their lot was never improved despite the many dollars given unto the Hamas Recruiters and Fatah Members.

And the Recruiters and Fatah Members did sing praises unto Allah, thanking him for his gift of a stupid people to rule over.

But Allah heard them not, for he had departed Paradise to have a Beer and a Pork sandwich with Vishnu down at the local pub.

---------------------

I sent the Saudi Religious Police the above earlier today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers.

If you'd like to participate in the culture jamming of the Mutaween, a handy list of names to use can be found here. Directions for the form, as well as the reasons for the Messages of the Day, are here.

A list of all the Messages of the Day can be found here.

Posted by Bigwig at 01:32 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 29, 2003

Message of the Day, 9/29/2003

Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, I sent the Saudi Religious Police the following message:

From: Chaka Khan Chaka Khan
City: Riyadh
Email: Letmerockyou@hesbah.com
Sin: Goat kidnapping, well, practically goat kidnapping

Greetings be upon you, holy fighters in the war 'gainst the inanimate platiscine diversions of children. I commend you for your vigilance, for without your efforts, the name of Allah, Allah, Allah, Bo Ballah Bonana, Fanna, Fo Fallah Fee, Fy, Mo Mallah Allah! would be unknown in our land, so small and ineffectual a god is he.

Without you, surely the majesty of Him that is Him and not Her, no, nay, not even a little bit, would be as limp and full of oddly placed hairs as the genitals of an Al-Saud, long may they droop.

Surely every day as he breaks his fast, Allah thanks himself for your eternal vigilance in his name. The gods of the Norse and Slave may have died from disbelief, but surely Allah is the only god terminally allergic to a pair of doll-sized fuck me pumps. As Jesus had his cross and Mama Cass her ham sandwich, so does Allah have his little shoes. Pray the West never finds this out, else we shall be bombarded with miniature Jimmy Choos.

And Praise Allah indeed that the full size versions are not anathema, else King Fahd would have gone barefoot to his nuptial bed these many years ago.

My name is Chaka Khan Chaka Khan and verily, I wish to write to you today in defense of my brother Saudi, Wahim Wel Albidammed Mohammed, who has lately been a subject of many press releases regarding his piteous attempt to win back the emotions of his first wife, one Lurleen McBandy, of 21 Crimson Tide Lane in Big Billy's E-Z Rental Trailer Park, Tuscaloosa, Alabama, by taking to wife four females of our country.

Now, as any fool plainly knows, one western woman is worth at least eight Saudi women, four junior sharia clerics or two well trained goats when it comes to matters of the bedroom, so as a matter of simple mathmatics my brother Wahim must marry at least once more before he can say to Lurleen "You have been replaced."

Do you have any idea how expensive the upkeep is on eight wives? Why the Nads bills alone would beggar a Caliph, and Wahim, may Allah render his back and rear insensible to pin, already has challenges of his own in that area.

A man would be better off with the goats, but when my brother went to the great market in Mecca to purchase a pair of secondhand goats from Sheikh Al Ghamdi "Throw a stone, bust a nut" Bin Sulayman, the entire herd was purchased, literally out from under him, by Sheik Abdulla al-Merda, for use at the next OPEC meeting.

Firstly, no man should have his test drive ended in such a way, even if the animal is question was entirely unaware of his presence. It is unhealthy in the extreme. Secondly, while it is an honor to be mistaken for a member of the royal family, Wahim is in no way able to pay the bill for past services Sheikh Al Ghamdi Bin Sulayman then forced upon him. Prince Talal is well able to pay for his own yak, let him do so.

I beg of you, fair clerics, with your cleft chins and daintly hairless behinds, may they be held aloft for all eternity, if you are going to restrict the number of women a man may marry, will you not also place some limit on goat sales?

___________________

If you'd like to participate in the culture jamming of the Mutaween, a handy list of names to use can be found here. Directions for the form, as well as the reasons for the Messages of the Day, are here.

A list of all the Messages of the Day can be found here.

Posted by Bigwig at 03:22 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 29, 2003

Message of the Day, 8/29/2003

Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, I sent the Saudi Religious Police the following message:

From: Haminahaminahaminahamadi
City: Riyadh
Email: disapprove@hesbah.com
Sin: Blasphemy

Blessings be upon you, oh imams of the faithful, and also upon the delicately oiled fingers and toes you pleasure the goats with. May they never lose their sheen!

My name is Haminahaminahaminahamadi, and I am wish to inform you today that the Great and Powerful Allah has libeled the whories of paradise, 72 of whom await every jihadi possessing the bare amount of stones needed to kill a heretic child of the blaphemous west.

A small child, perhaps a toddler, who is not only deaf but looking the other way. Or a blind one. Yea, verily, a deaf and blind child, perhaps with less than the requisite number of limbs, would truly be the best way for most of us to lawyer our way into the fleshpots of paradise.

But that's not the point.

The point is that Allah, great is his belly and small is his penis, for were we not created in his image? has promised that the killers of even helpless babes will be rewarded in the afterlife with unending chants of "Hey, jihadi! Me love you long time! Boom-Boom!"

But what am I to think when The Great and Powerful Allah, may his curtain never be lifted, himself here refers to the whories as plushies! This cannot be, for is it not written on the pages of the Koran that the virgins of paradise are possessed of a sleek coat of smooth and silky fur, much like that of Omaha the Cat dancer?

I know this because I penned those very words on the pages of my Koran over a week ago, and Allah has not removed them. Why then would he do the shahid the grave disservice of promising plushies when all his followers favor furries?

I can only conclude that, due to the recent overwhelming losses suffered by my jihadi brethen in ....well, everywhere, that paradise is suffering from a whori shortage, and that the Great and Powerful Allah, may we all one day ride in his magic ballon, is attempting to discourage further actions among the shahid until such a time as come that the whori population of paradise is returned to a more normal level.

This is indeed heartbreaking news to the average jihadi, as it was only in paradise that they could reasonably expect to rid themselves of the burden of their virginity. Must we content ourselves with the birds of the air, the beasts of the field and Al-Qaeda's greased wrestling events until such a time has come?

I say to you, NO! For Allah has given me the knowledge needed to end the whori shortage. Many of us have extra sisters, mothers and daughters cluttering up the house, hogging the remote controls and shrieking incessantly about one's cat harnesses. Why not kill them? I am sure that Allah will receive them with all due honors, restitching all broken hymens with the finest 2/0 silk and covering all with coats of the sleekest fur!

In fact, I am writing this down in my Koran right now. Come tomorrow, if the words are still there, I shall know what to do.

May I one day greet you on the other side, with static electricity in my hair and fur in my teeth.

Haminahaminahaminahamadi - Minister of Saudi Culture.

----------------------------

___________________

If you'd like to participate in the culture jamming of the Mutaween, a handy list of names to use can be found here. Directions for the form, as well as the reasons for the Messages of the Day, are here.

A list of all the Messages of the Day can be found here.

Posted by Bigwig at 12:12 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

July 01, 2003

Message of the Day, 7/1/2003

Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, I sent the Saudi Religious Police the following message:

From: Eliazar Bin Abadboi

City: Riyadh

Email: disapprove@hesbah.com

Sin: Western Behavior

Greetings to you, O Iron Fists of Allah! May your wrists never grow limp and langorous, as was inevitable with the imams who came before you.

My name is Eliazar Bin Abadboi and I write to you concerning my neighbor, Mustapha Ali, who is engaging in the most horrible of Western habits. I would hesitate to bring this matter before you, but I can ignore his sinful behavior no longer, as it has begun to affect not only his household, but my own, shaming me in the eyes of my male relatives.

Why, just yesterday, whilst I was engaged in ascertaining the exact quantity and quality of sin portrayed in the latest episode of Queer As Folk, my junior wife had the temerity to broach an opinion on the subject of Hunter's mother and her fitness to raise him. As Ben and Michael are clearly the better parents, I was forced to remonstate with her for some few minutes, using the length of birch thoughtfully provided to me by the blessed imam Sheikh Saleh bin Abdul Aziz bin Muhammad bin Ibrahim Al Al-Sheikh for free with my purchase of his new video "The Wahabi Way of Marriage, Volume the First: How Not To Leave a Bruise."

As I was exercising the blessed imam's birch, Sedonia.....Sabrina....Shanti? It matters not what her name is, she is but a woman and a wife and thus less important to men such as you and I as the toejam of Allah, may we we dine upon it spread upon the biscuits of Paradise in the life after each morning for all eternity.

What matters is that while I corrected her, she turned a tear-stained face towards me and said "Mustapha Ali does not beat his wives!"

So great was my horror and shock that I fell upon the cushions in a swoon. I awoke to find my junior wife nowhere in sight, my robes lying in a clump on the floor, and the shattered and torn birch of the blessed Imam inserted into the most shameful of places.

For this, I blame Mustapha Ali. The behavior of my wife, who has fled the house in the company of the most strapping of my Filipino manservants, and the splinters in my.....area, I lay at his door. He is obviously a devotee of the Western anathema that teaches of the inherent worth of wives and daughters as persons instead of the vessels of a man's seed, may it spring forth anew each morning without hitting his face. His wives expect equality and respect, which I know will enrage you as much as it has pained me. I beg of you to end his madness, lest the self respect and confidence of the females of his house spread and infect all the houses of the land.

I thank you for your time. Please let the imam know that his wood is insufficient in the areas of stiffness and thickness when it comes to keeping a wife satisfied with her place, and that I shall not be petitioning him for a replacement.

___________________

If you'd like to participate in the culture jamming of the Mutaween, a handy list of names to use can be found here. Directions for the form, as well as the reasons for the Messages of the Day, are here.

A list of all the Messages of the Day can be found here.

Posted by Bigwig at 04:58 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 23, 2003

Message of the Day, 6/23/2203

Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, I sent the Saudi Religious Police the following message:

From: Fouad bin Abdul Salaam bin Muhammad Al Farsy

City: Riyadh

Email: disapprove@hesbah.com

Sin: Other

Greetings to you, imams of the bathroom and guardians against children's toys.

The calumny of Muhammad bin Ali Al-Fayez is the blackest of libels, and his own words brand him apostate. For myself I do not care, I have survived his slings and arrows before, and no doubt shall again.

It is the body of the faithful that I care for, as I know you do as well. Did not the Prophet, peace be upon him, teach that all should wash their organs after urination and also to employ extreme care in saving our bodies from being soiled with even a drop of urine?

Al-Fayez may be content to flick, twist and dance about in an attempt to avoid his ablutions, but I have been vouchsafed a vision from Allah, one that came to me whilst I was contemplating the Dr Iyad bin Ameen Madani's justly famous collection of urinal cakes. I know of a better way, for the knowledge was given to me by the Prophet himself.

It came upon me while I was examining the most famous of Madani's wax cakes, the one bearing the toothmarks of Nasser himself, when a great blackness came upon me, and I fell into the display case, and insensibility.

When the darkness departed from me, it seemed that I was walking in a fresh garden, the air of which was gently scented with the odors of lemons, cherries, and many other fruits besides. Surely this was Paradise itself, for it was full of houris, though they lacked male companionship. I was greatly content, for the houris in the absence of the jihadis promised them did embrace each other most affectionately, and I gazed in wonder at their revels.

At length I became aware of a presence beside me, of a man with a pleasant mien who stood and gazed also at the writhing of the houris. At length he spoke, asking me if the spectacle before us pleased me.

He gazed sadly at the ground when I assured him that I did, and said to me that the unfortunate houris were doomed to girl upon girl action for the rest of eternity, for all of the Ummah had been made unclean by urine.

This distressed me greatly, for since I was a small child I had taken great care in my ablutions, sometimes cleaning myself for hours at a time afterwards, using only the warmest of waters and the smoothest of hand creams, actions which I described at length to the man. He assured me that such practices were prevalent throughout all my country, with many of the Al-Saud family surpassing even myself in their frenzied cleansing efforts.

"I say unto to you that although the outside of the body is surely immaculate, " said he, "it is still but half of that which must be made clean."

When I awoke from vision, the odors of the garden seemed to swirl around me, but the man and the houris were nowhere to be seen. As I lay on the cold tile of the Madani's display room I pondered the words of the Prophet, for now that he was departed recognition had come upon me.

Truly I say to you, illiterate shepherds of the faithful, that the knowledge I gained in that hour has driven me ever since. If the ablutions covering the outside of the body are not enough to gain paradise, then surely the inside of the body must also be washed clean of urine!

For many months I labored, trying in vain to perform the Ablutions of the Inside that the Prophet had gifted me with the knowledge of. Many were the small brushes and cotton swabs I tried and discarded as either too large in diameter or too short in length until finally I hit upon the method I use now, one integral to the Internal Urine Removal System, a two foot length of small plastic IV hosing.

The hose is inserted after urination up to the level of the bladder and attached to a small bag of bleach water, which is then squeezed until the mixture bathes the inside of the bladder's walls with a gentle cleansing action, a sensation pleasing on both a physical and religious level. The bleach water is then voided in the same manner as is urine, but removes all traces of that substance from its path.

I have become proficient enough in this action that if aided by small amount of petroleum jelly my ablutions take less than five minutes, as I demonstrated to a greatly interested Sheikh Saleh bin Abdul Aziz bin Muhammad bin Ibrahim Al Al-Sheikh in his chambers just this morning.

You will be happy to know that not only did the esteemed Sheikh order a cleansing system for every member of his house, he has instructed me to supply you each with one, as well as personally instructing you in its usage.

I look forward to seeing all of you in Paradise in the future to come, and in the bathroom of the Grand Mosque tomorrow morning.

--Fouad bin Abdul Salaam bin Muhammad Al Farsy


___________________

If you'd like to participate in the culture jamming of the Mutaween, a handy list of names to use can be found here. Directions for the form, as well as the reasons for the Messages of the Day, are here.

A list of all the Messages of the Day can be found here.

Posted by Bigwig at 04:24 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 20, 2003

Message Of The Day, 6/20/2003

Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, I sent the Saudi Religious Police the following message:

From: Dr Muhammad bin Ali Al-Fayez

City: Riyadh

Email: disapprove@hesbah.com

Sin: Other

To those who disturb the sleep of the innocent in the middle of the night with your catch basins and sanitary napkins, poking and prodding into places even the Prophet Himself would fear to tread without permissions asked and granted, waking my Filipinos and molesting the vegetables, I can only say this.

The accusations of Fouad bin Abdul Salaam bin Muhammad Al Farsy are nothing more than the most infamous type of canard, believable only to small children and the weak of mind. As there were no small children in the group of gibbering, swab wielding fanatics ensconced in my water closet for nearly all of the past night, I can only conclude that many a Saudi village has been deprived of its idiot in order that the ranks of the Mutaween may be swelled.

Tell me, O revered imams, what exactly does Sheikh Saleh bin Abdul Aziz bin Muhammad bin Ibrahim Al Al-Sheikh think that he may learn from the nearly three pounds of grout that he personally removed from the lavatory of my Filipina cook in a Zip-Lock baggie? Whatever it may be, I can certainly tell you that he was going about learning such information in an incorrect manner, unless covering one's face with the contents of said baggie and inhaling deeply is the latest in Mutaween sin-fighting technique.

Luzviminda has been randomly breaking out in the most heart-rending sobs ever since, and declares that she will not step foot into the facility unless all within is removed, replaced, and the entire room boiled.

Tell me, ass-tards of Allah, how does one boil a room?

This invasion of my home is inexcusable, and I am not just saying this because you interrupted King Fahd's Scotch tasting. The obsession Fouad bin Abdul Salaam bin Muhammad Al Farsy has with urine has been known to all since he was a small child chasing dogs down the street, beaker in hand and tent in pants. To enter the house of a Minister of the Government on his unsupported word is the worst kind of idiocy, comparable only to the incalculable stupidity that is his Internal Urine Removal System, the patent applications of which he has besieged my office with for years. The simple declarative that "We have nothing to do with patents," is beyond his ken, resulting in the unhappy distinction of my department possessing the highest rate of secretarial turnover ever recorded in the King's Civil Service.

I expect a full apology, reparations for damage caused and restoration of the personal items seized from my wife as "evidence". One would think even an imam as wooden-headed as Ahmed Faisal Bin Tin Tin would have known what an eyelash curler is. I shudder to think of the uses he has put it to in the hours since.

Al-Sheikh may keep the grout.

___________________

If you'd like to participate in the culture jamming of the Mutaween, a handy list of names to use can be found here, and directions for the form, as well as the reasons for the Messages of the Day, are here.

A list of all the Messages of the Day can be found here.

Posted by Bigwig at 11:10 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

June 19, 2003

Message of the Day, 6/19/2003

Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, I sent the Saudi Religious Police the following message:

From: Fouad bin Abdul Salaam bin Muhammad Al Farsy

City: Riyadh

Email: disapprove@hesbah.com

Sin: Other

Greetings and salutations to you, small warriors of Allah. Truly, God is great in finding a role for those of his followers too intellectually craven to negotiate the vagaries and complications of the world head on.

My name is Fouad bin Abdul Salaam bin Muhammad Al Farsy, and I wish to report my colleague Dr Muhammad bin Ali Al-Fayez, the Minister of Civil Service for his most foul practice of splattering the floors of the public toilets in Riyadh with copious amounts of urine, such that it is impossible to relieve oneself without the staining of garments, which must be necessarily lowered in order to void the wastes in a quick and efficient manner

Many are the times when I have made haste to a public toilet in our fair city upon feeling the furious knocking of the turtlehead, only to find that I am faced with the Hobbesian choice of fouling my garments from within or of letting them rest in the noxious leavings of the Minister. Many are the times when his effluvia have ruined a perfectly good corset.

I am convinced of the Minister's guilt in this manner, having made a study of the various properties of urine from an early age. The Al-Fayez urine is characterized by a frequent cloudiness caused by sperm remaining within the urethra. This is the calling card of the chronic masturbator, something the Minister's family has been known for since the time of the Prophet. "As sticky as the tents of Al-Fayez" said our ancestors, and the phrase is as true to life now as it was then.

Please remonstrate with him, as I am now forced to wear the corsets of my wife until a new shipment arrives from Ann Summers, and they bind me in odd places. My constant shifting in cabinet meetings has drawn the notice of Prince Sultan bin Abdul Aziz, and I fear he thinks I am flirting with him.

May the Almighty guide you vigilantly down the paths to his garden of righteousness, the very bowers of which are populated with houris both of surpassing beauty and extreme muteness. I pray that we may meet there in a time to come, to frolic and dance nude together in the promised warm golden showers of Allah.
___________________

If you'd like to send a message to the Mutaween of your very own, a handy list of names to use can be found here, and directions for the form, as well as the reasons for the Messages of the Day, are here. Remember to leave us a copy!

A list of all the Messages of the Day can be found here.

Posted by Bigwig at 11:52 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

June 18, 2003

Message of the Day, 6/18/2003

Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, I sent the Saudi Religious Police the following message:

From: Dr Khalid bin Muhammad Al-Qusaibi

City: Mecca

Email: disapprove@hesbah.com

Sin: Loitering

Greetings and felicitous salutations to the self-appointed guardians of our morality! I am Dr Khalid bin Muhammad Al-Qusaibi, and I thank Allah each and every day for your presence, for it is plain to see that Allah's ability to persuade his followers not to stray from the path of wickedness is a weak thing indeed, like unto that of the clotted yellow cream of a bovine when confronted with heated cutlery. Truly it is a sad thing when a diety is forced to rely on mortals, especially mortals such as yourselves.

I feel positive that without your efforts, believers in Allah would abandon him in droves, such a weak and effeminate god is he, perhaps in favor of crystal worship or a UFO cult where the removal of one's manberries is a key to salvation. Surely there is a religion tailor-made for the Royal House of Saud!

Of course, after the repeated kickings inflicted by the followers of Yahweh and Jesus upon the ass of Allah over the last 600 years, it is hardly a surprise that the our Lord And Master now resembles the bride at a prison wedding. He is become so puny a god that an entire cadre of his priests must be devoted to rooting out plasticine dolls from the children of his faithful followers. Truly, were it not so, a time might come when Allah would be listed as the first god killed by a child's toy.

Thank you for devoting all your time and efforts to ensure that this does not come about, and that the blessed Allah dies in the manner of other gods, at the hands of his priests in consequence of their alienation of the diety's flock.

Now, as to sin, I observed Prince Bandar Bin Sultan eating a dog sandwich whilst crouching naked on the holy Black Stone of the Kaaba. Dachshund, I believe, for the tenderness of the meat and the piquancy of its taste is sung throughout the country, and Prince Bandar Bin Sultan is a well known canine gourmand, often advising those of less experience on the best vintages of wine to accompany each delicate portion.

He selfishly declined my request for the chewy rectum of the Dachshund, even though I had smuggled him the finest Israeli horseradish for the pleasure of his sandwich, so I am turning him in.

Peace be upon you, and upon the loins of your Filipino slaves, and if there is any sandwich left, please let me know.
--------------------------------

If you'd like to send a message of your own, a handy list of names to use can be found here, and directions for the form are here. Remember to leave us a copy!

Posted by Bigwig at 02:20 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

June 16, 2003

Message Of The Day 6/16/2003

Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, I sent the Saudi Religious Police the following message:

From: Naif bin Abdul Aziz Al-Saud

City: Riyadh

Email: disapprove@hesbah.com

Sin: Immoral Observations

Greetings to you, revered imams. May the loins of your Filipino slaves glisten hairlessly through the night like the polished knobs in the mansion of Allah, or the gill slits of the Bluefin tuna, Venus of the Ocean. My name is Naif bin Abdul Aziz Al-Saud and I need assistance with my immoral observations. Thank you for providing this service, as heretofore I have been somewhat less than proficient in my practice of them. My romantic abnormality, one shared by all of my house yet hidden from the public, has forced me to share these thoughts only with the objects of my fancy, and they have spurned my questions most rudely. Having no wish to offend the prophet, peace be upon him, I despaired of my sanity until the Djinn known as Google led me to your site.

Tell me, how does one determine the sex of a fish? All I see drive my loins into a frenzy of lust, yet I have no wish to spend my seed in the anal ducts of a female, as that would be displeasing to Allah and disgusting to myself.

I have been to my uncle, King Fahd bin Abdul Aziz, who first taught me of the joys of making my own caviar after learning of this joy from renowned actor Troy McClure, but he has been of little help, as he has become addicted to the joys of the cadiru, and I as yet prefer the honor of insertion to the duties of reception, at least I think that I do. All of my attempts at creating the special love that exists between a man and his mackerel have foundered on the rocks of identification, for I cannot ascertain the difference between the male and the females of the species, Allah not having seen fit to cover the disgusting nakedness of the female mackerel with a piscine burkha.

Please aid me in this soonest, as the fishmonger in Riyadh has closed his shop to me, and I need a date for my families private showing of Finding Nemo.

Yours respectfully,

Prince Naif bin Abdul Aziz Al-Saud

--------------------------------

If you'd like to send a message of your own, a handy list of names to use can be found here, and directions for the form are here. Remember to leave us a copy!

Posted by Bigwig at 12:06 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

June 14, 2003

An Ass Kicking Everyone Can Get Behind

Indymedia has picked up on the Culture Jam.

The more the merrier, folks. When it comes to combating the despicable oppression of the Saudi Religious Police, there are no Republicans or Democrats, no Greens or Libertarians.

There is no Europe, no America, no East or West.

There is only the congregation of the free, and our voices must rise up for those who are not allowed to have one, for those who would join us but cannot.

So sing, damn you, SING!

Posted by Bigwig at 11:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Message Of The Day 6/13/2003

Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, I sent the Saudi Religious Police the following message:

From: Mohammed Ali Ali Ocksen Phrie

City: Jeddah

Email: disapprove@hesbah.com

Sin: Flirting

To whom it may concern.

Peace be upon you, and upon the loins of your Filipino servants, may they spring forth anew each morning! My name is Mohammed Ali Ali Ocksen Phrie, and I am writing to complain about Dr Abdullah bin Muhammad bin Ibrahim Al Al-Sheikh, who habitually passes gas of the most noisy and foul type in front of myself at daily prayers. Every day, five times a day it's

God is great. Braaaaap!
I bear witness that there none worthy of worship except God. Braaaaap
I bear witness that Muhammad is the Messenger of God. Braaaaap
Come to prayer. Braaaaap
Come to felicity. Braaaaap
Prayer is better than sleep. Braaaaap
Our prayers are now ready. Our prayers are now ready. Braaaaap
God is great. Braaaaap
There is none worthy of worship except God. Braaaaap

There are times when I cannot hear the blessed imam for the noise and cannot see him for the tears in my eyes. The expectorations of the minister's rectum torment me horribly, and is it not written that noisy gas is an affront to the prophet, pee be upon him?

I could stand the pain were it not for the distinctive odor of the sperm of a goat, both fresh and digested, that emanate from the minister at all times. Please remonstrate with him, else I will be forced to become a Baptist to assuage my lust.

--------------------------------

If you'd like to send a message of your own, a handy list of names to use can be found here, and directions for the form are here. Remember to leave us a copy!

Thanks to the folks at Fartgreetings.com for the use of their wavs.

Posted by Bigwig at 04:34 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 12, 2003

Message of the Day, 6/12/2003

Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, someone sent the Saudi Religious Police 588,604 lowercase "n"s, getting this handy error in return;

Request object error 'ASP 0107 : 80004005'
Stack Overflow
/disapproveSubmit.asp, line 22
The data being processed is over the allowed limit.

As for me, I sent this message today.

Some badly coded webforms can crash a server if they choke on a long enough string. The website is still there, so presumably the form is coded to cut off submissions after a certain number of characters. If you would like to ask someone to make sure, try the technical contact fot the site, Hatem El Shafie.

Domain name: HESBAH.COM
Registrant:
MidEast Net
37 Kasr El Nil Street
App #55
Downtown
Cairo, Cairo 11111
EG
Administrative Contact:
El Shafie, Hatem reg2@mideastnet.com
37 Kasr El Nil Street
App #55
Downtown
Cairo, Cairo 11111
EG
202 3924354 Fax: 202 3957177
Technical Contact:
El Shafie, Hatem reg@mideastnet.com
37 Kasr El Nil Street
Suite #55
Downtown
Cairo, Cairo 11111
EG
202 3924354 Fax: 202 3957177

Presumably there are a few other questions he could be asked about why he decided to host this particular site.

I've spent some time going over the source code for the website, looking for an email address, but no luck yet. I've sent a test email to disapprove@hesbah.com, if that doesn't bounce, we can enlist the power of Spam in the fight against the Mutaween.

If you'd like to send a message of your own, a handy list of names to use can be found here, and directions for the form are here. Remember to leave us a copy!

Update: disapprove@hesbah.com has not bounced after 4 hours, so I'm going to rule it a valid email. Now go forth and sign it up for....everything.

Posted by Bigwig at 10:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 11, 2003

Message of the Day, 6/11/2003

Here's the message I sent to the Saudi Religious Police today, using the convenient web form they provide for the purpose of turning in heretics, free speech adherents and little girls with Barbie dolls. Feel free to adapt it as you wish, or submit your own.

Directions for submission of the web site form can be found here, and a handy list of names to use can be found below the message.

Sin reported by: Dr Fahd bin Abdulrahman bin Sulaiman Balghunaim

Location: Mecca

Balghunaim@saudi.gov.sa

Type of Sin: Other

To whom it may concern.

Whilst examining the loins of my Filipino servants for evidence of apostasy, I happened to glance out of the second story window of my compound and espy Sheikh Saleh bin Abdul Aziz bin Muhammad bin Ibrahim Al Al-Sheikh in the street below, mightily struggling to pull a glossy red women's corset, one of the real quality ones, with a lace-up front, adjustable straps and optional garter attachments, from the hindquarters of a large pig.

The blessed imam was hampered in his attempt in that he was attempting to do so one-handed, his left hand being in possession of a half empty bottle of Grey Goose Vodka, which he alternately drank from or poured from above onto the swine's genitalia. The revered imam was also in a state of dishabille, his robe having fallen down around his ankles. This enabled me to observe his tumescent state once I had set my telescope to its largest magnification.

Please remonstrate with the imam for me, as the stock animals are nervous for days after his one of his visits.

Peace be upon you,

Dr Fahd bin Abdulrahman bin Sulaiman Balghunaim - Minister of Agriculture

The handy list of names. Use them unstintingly!

King Fahd bin Abdul Aziz - The Prime Minister, The King
Crown Prince Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud - The First Deputy Prime Minister, Crown Prince and Commander of the National Guard
Prince Sultan bin Abdul Aziz - Second Deputy Prime Minister, Minister of Defense and Aviation and Inspector General
Dr Fahd bin Abdulrahman bin Sulaiman Balghunaim - Minister of Agriculture
Dr Muhammad bin Ali Al-Fayez - Minister of Civil Service
Dr Hashim bin Abdullah bin Hashim Al-Yamani - Minister of Commerce and Industry
Engineer Muhammad Jameel bin Ahmed Mulla - Minister of Communications and Information Technology
Dr Fouad bin Abdul Salaam bin Muhammad Al Farsy - Minister of Culture and Information
Dr Khalid bin Muhammad Al-Qusaibi - Ministry of Economy and Planning
Dr Muhammad bin Ahmed Al-Rasheed - Minister of Education
Dr Ibrahim bin Abdulaziz bin Abdullah Al-Assaf- Minister of Finance
Prince Saud Al Faisal bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud - Minister of Foreign Affairs
Dr Iyad bin Ameen Madani - Minister of Hajj
Dr Hamad bin Abdullah Al-Mane' - Minister of Health
Dr Khalid bin Muhammad Al-Anqari - Minister of Higher Education
Prince Naif bin Abdul Aziz Al-Saud - Minister of Interior
Sheikh Saleh bin Abdul Aziz bin Muhammad bin Ibrahim Al Al-Sheikh- Minister for Islamic Affairs, Endowment, Dawa and Guidance
Dr Abdullah bin Muhammad bin Ibrahim Al Al-Sheikh- Minister of Justice
Dr Ali bin Ibrahim Al-Namlah- Minister of Labor and Social Affairs
Prince Mite'b bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud - Minister of Municipal and Rural Affairs
Engineer Ali bin Ibrahim Al-Naimi - Minister of Petroleum and Mineral Resources
Dr Jubarah bin Eid Al-Suraiseri- Minister of Transport
Dr Ghazi bin Abdulrahman Al Gosaibi - Minister of Water and Electricity
Prince Abdulaziz bin Fahd bin Abdulaziz - Minister of State, Cabinet Member, and Chief of the Court of Cabinet's Presidency
Dr. Abdulaziz bin Abdullah Al-Khuwaiter - Minister of State
Dr. Mutlab bin Abdullah Al-Nafeesah - Minister of State and Cabinet's Member
Dr. Musa'ed bin Mohammed Al-E'ban - Minister of State and Cabinet's Member
Abdullah bin Ahmed bin Yosef Zainal - Minister of State and Cabinet's Member

Make sure to send us an email of the messages, or leave a copy in the comments below. The really good ones will appear as Messages Of The Day at some future time. If I'm feeling lazy, so will the not so good ones.

And remember, every fake message sent to these.....evil bastards is one that might cause them to overlook a real one, and make a innocent Saudi a little more free.

Posted by Bigwig at 12:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack






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