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July 25, 2005

40's Radio News, Web Style

Today's news roundup brought to you by Burma Shave. Please read this in a choppy, old-style radio newsman-like manner, like Edgar R. Murrow on a boatload of strong coffee and meth. Sorry, I can't afford the podcast on what they pay me here, and even if I did, I don't have an old-timey voice like Lileks, so there's no way. Just try it for yourself. It'll be gleat.


Paging Eric Muller... Newsflash: Pope Benedict condemns the terrorism of "these past days." Only mentions Egypt and London. When asked, non-evil minions attribute the non-mention of minyans to a 5 day deadline to make it in under the Pope's condemnation wire. Various non-evil henchmen also say of course Pope condemns attacks on Jews too. Thus events in Netanya 12 days ago were not covered in Papal News Roundup due to claimed innocent oversight, rather than screaming Bier und Bratwurst-fueled German Catholic anti-semitism. Something smells fishy here... like mackerel in a wienerschnitzel sauce. Innocent? I think not. We shouldn't take this from the Jerries folks, even if they are in the Vatican. Go get 'em Eric! You're just the Mensch for the job.

Just when you thought it was safe to scrape the "I'm not Fonda Hanoi Jane" bumpersticker off your F-150... Jane Fonda to take anti-war trip in vegetable oil-powered hippy wagon. Has she gone nuts? Is it a desperate ploy to win back Tom Hayden? Well, as long as you have space on your bumper, you might as well get one of these.

Captain's Quarters takes on the Tom Tancredo Nuke-All-The-Muslims Chorus. In short, an e-lected rep-resentative of these United States suggested last week that we nuke Mecca. This was conditional on the occurrence of more nefarious terrorist attacks of the Islamacist persuasion. Many have responded negatively to this entreaty. I will summarize the response of all sane Minnesotans thusly: Now just cure your hemmorhoids using dynamite suppositories, why doncha.

Now a break from our sponsor, Burma Shave.

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We're back.

The Great State of New York promises better health. New plan registers and tracks diabetics. States Attorney General Elliot Spitzer promises to personally visit the homes of the one half million souls afflicted with diabetes in New York, to gently remind them to get better. Meanwhile, New Jersey announced a similar plan. Jersey plan features voicemail messages for all Jerseyites, with the goal of preventing obesity and beautifying the beeches in South Jersey summer vacation playground for plumbers from Levittown. Messages will include:

- "Shave that mustache, bitch!"
- "Get up from the table already, ya fat f***!"
- "Leave some for the starvin' kids in Africa, willya?"
- "Whackin' Vinnie burns 4,000 calories a day."

In other news...

Russia's biggest spammer brutally murdered in his apartment. Police say they have narrowed the list of plausible suspects to everybody in the world with an email address. Police also say they have their best guy on the case.

Now another word from our sponsor.

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Now, from the lighter side. A Mr. Osama Saeed of London writes in the famed hothouse of Reds, the Grauniad, that the British Premier must lose the War on Terror. Mr. Saeed says premier has "attacked the idea of the caliphate ." I agree with Mr. Saeed, and I hope you, my loyal listeners do too. Anybody who favors the summary execution of women who read books, homosexuals who do their thing, or those who refuse to convert to an insane death cult, well, this journalist wishes no truck with people who oppose such an eminently law and ordnung program. The very idea that a Dhimmi would have the nerve, the gall, the pluck, to insult the Caliphate, saddens me. Somewhere, somebody is weeping in a cave tonight. Where is Mr. Chamberlain when we need him?

That's all for tonight, folks. Please tune in tomorrow, when we'll be speaking live with our sponsor, the brilliant gentleman who writes those incisive Burma Shave jingles. Now one final word from our sponsor.

Use our stuff,
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Posted by Blackavar at July 25, 2005 09:43 PM | TrackBack
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