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July 05, 2005

Love & Rockets

Whatsa matter, NASA? Doesn't the South coast of Florida have enough mailboxes and stopsigns to shoot at? NASA yesterday announced that its Deep Impact project successfully blasted a 300 kilogram projectile into a comet, for no apparent reason other than its orbiter vehicle was out cruising around the galaxy, drunk on alcohol-based rocket fuel, it had some Skynyrd on the radio, and it seemed like a good thing to do at the time.

Now it seems the local residents of Comet Tempel - 1 are not amused. [Hat tip to Rand Simberg].

Alien lawsuits aside, it seems that an apparently real person is actually pissed off about NASA's Deep Impact project. His claims are (1) if something is destroyed, it's not scienc; and (2) all potential results weren't known ahead of time, so it was bad science.

Okay, I'm just a simple lawyer, so my approach to science is laws-based, and in this case I would apply the law of conservation of matter, which says matter is never really destroyed, it's just turned into energy. But hey, what do I know. I only passed the bar in New York, not the one in Orion's Belt. I was also under the impression that the reason a test is called an "experiment" and not "a sure thing" is that you don't always know what the results will be ahead of time. Admittedly, my technical background is week, so I don't know this for sure - maybe some of our scientific readers could enlighten me here.

Regardless, the blogosphere and commentariat have been pretty silent about Deep Impact, and its impact on the poor little old aliens of Comet Tempel-1. So I'll comment for them.

"These aliens come traipsing into our solar system, and expect to take advantage of our courts, our school systems, and our infrastructure, and then get upset when we try to do something about it. It's typical, and my only regret, is that the projectile was shaped like a rocket, rather than like a huge pitchfork."

- Pat Buchanan

"Somebody set us up the bomb."

- Tempel-1 Mechanic

"The BushwarDeathkill machine has attacked the aliens in an unprovoked manner, proving that even the defense function that some have postulated is an appropriate use of government power, is immoral. It proves all government should be eliminated."

- Justin Raimondo, channeling Murray Rothbard

"NASA are such a bunch of sissy girly men. Any real man would have shot a huge rocket, a 90 foot, erect, throbbing rocket, with a long, smooth, hot, white shaft, straight into the planet, where its warhead would explode with a creamy, white hot burst of plasma, utterly destroying the object of its desire, leaving it in a smoking, whimpering heap. But NASA had to pull out early and shoot a little tiny 300 kilogram projectile all over the face of the comet. Stupid NASA."

- Ann Coulter

"I was dead set against this mission at first. But now I'm for it since they don't allow hot, gay marriage on Comet Tempel - 1. In fact, I understand that they don't have hot, hairy studs, or any other genders that we Earthlings would recognize on Tempel - 1, and they reproduce by some form of cloning, with no steamy, hot gay sex involved whatsoever. So I'm actually totally in favor of the mission, as I always have been. In fact, I'm in favor of anything that makes life tough for the stupid, religious conservative gay bashing bigots of Tempel - 1."

- Andrew Sullivan

"The negative effects of Deep Impact may not be known for years, but one thing is for certain: Blacks, women, and Jewish residents of Tempel-1 will be hardest hit."

- NY Times Op-Ed

"All your base are belong to us."


"Well, the most talked about rocket since Hedwig's hit Tempel - 1 yesterday, and like Hedwig's rocket, it too was something of a disappointment."

- Mark Steyn

"It wasn't racist for NASA to attack the aliens."

- Michelle Malkin

"It was."

- Eric Muller

"No it wasn't."

- Michelle Malkin

"Yes it was."

- Eric Muller

"As has been pointed out for years, Washington's actions, therefore, undermine the hope that murderous tyrants no less vicious than the rogues gallery of criminals supported by those now at the helm in Washington, including those in the space program and defense infrastructure, the same thing really, could be brought to heel."

- Noam Chomsky

"This is just another quagmire Bush has gotten us into. The plight of the proles and plebs of Ziquikcikty at the hands of these elitist scum is heartrending. Hey, want to go out with me and get some fat Kobe beef steaks after this interview? You can expense it."

- Eric Alterman

"Faster, please.

- Michael Ledeen

"They were aliens... they were legal aliens. They were legal aliens in Ziquikcikty. This whole thing has been just long, strange, trip."

- John Perry Barlow

"Heh, indeed."

- Glenn Reynolds

"NASA needed a bigger gun. Several of them. The goverment failure to destroy this comet gives me an RCOB. I'm going to go step onto my back porch and shoot my AK-47 into the air now."

- Kim du Toit

"Open comment thread, bitches."

- Atrios

"They should have lanced the comet with an enormous airborne laser. My couch warned Cosmo that this would happen. Alternately, they could have replaced the 300 kilogram projectile with my old issues of Juggs magazine, which I don't need any more since I'm married to this insanely hot chick who suffered a momentary lapse in judgement. Did I mention that my dog Cosmo actually writes the G-Files?"

- Jonah Goldberg

"We wouldn't have attacked them if they didn't try to put Sirius-3 into a giant blender first.

- Frank J.

"The orbital vehicle now monitoring the damage to Ziquikcikty poses the most serious threat to privacy since the invention of glass windows. I think TSA is probably behind it."

- Declan McCulloughoughghoughgh

"I'm not an expert on the law or anything, but it seems to me that the residents of Ziquikcikty may have a strong case under the Alien Tort Claims Act, which on its face appears to have been enacted for just such circumstances."

- Eugene Volokh

"The girls of Ziquikcikty? Yeah, I picked 'em up and screwed almost all of 'em one night after a speaker event. They're ugly. And short too. God, I'm hot."

- Ted Rall

"These aliens capitulated quicker than a French waiter in front of a fat German tourist. Why do you think serviettes only come in white, anyhow?"

- Bigwig

Update: Insty notes that some actual alleged humans really are filing lawsuits over this. Hmmmm... Art may imitate life, but life imitates satire.

Posted by Blackavar at July 5, 2005 07:58 AM | TrackBack
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