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May 12, 2005

The Good Samaritan, Updated

Normally, when I'm asked for my zip code--or phone number--upon my checkout by one of the Best Buy peons, or by one of the other chain store flunkies, I just lie. It's not the cashier's fault the idiotic conglomerate they work for wants to intrude upon my privacy, so there's no point in giving them extra grief.

I did bother to ask, once upon a time, why? Why must Best Buy know my various numbers?

"So we'll know where to best spend our advertising dollars!" I was told, in an impossibly cheery tone, by a bright-toothed, somewhat bosomy management trainee wannabe.

I'm not one to derail a person's chosen career path--as long as that career is not door-to-door sales, at least, so I gave her some numbers. Fake numbers, but numbers nonetheless.

In the time since, I have become a master at rattling off strings of random numbers. Yea, verily I have stuck it to the Man, at least as He is manifested in the form of various embittered wage-slaves.

But yesterday a thought struck me. After staunching the flow of crimson from my nose, I came to the realization that, while lying to the Best Buy peons was in and of itself a satisfying act, it was one that could be made even more satisfying.

Ask yourself, as I did. "What would Jesus do?" What would Jesus do, were he asked for his zip code by the orange-clad minions of Best Buy?

Now obviously Jesus shares my--and by logical extension, your--concern over this unwelcome corporate intrusion into our lives. He wouldn't be Jesus, otherwise. Given a zip code wheedling minion, it's a safe assumption that Jesus would give them a fake one.

This I know, for reasons that will become clear later on.

Not only Jesus would lie, but he would use his lie to serve a greater good. His reply would not consist of 5 random numbers, as mine does, but instead of 5 carefully chosen ones.

He would say unto the minion "0-5-5-0-1," for that number, found in Andover, Massachusetts, is the zip code for the poorest of the poor in the United States. Obviously the area could use an influx of Best Buy advertising dollars. Were the minion then to ask "And your phone number, Mr. Christ?" our good Lord would give a number beginning with "978," for that is the area code most closely associated with "05501," and our good Lord knows that the best lies are the most consistent ones.

But he also knows that, one man, acting alone, not even the conqueror of Death himself, can have the same impact on corporatacracy that many acting in concert can.

Which is why he wants you to do so as well, or so he tells me. "Tell the people, Bigwig," he says. "Tell them to declare before the Minions of Best Buy and their ilk that their zip code is "0-5-5-0-1," that their area code is 978, so that the poor may be succored."

And so I have.

Update: Just heard from Allah, Buddha, Zoroaster, Ganesha, a little Shinto guy with a lisp, and Mithras. They're on board as well. Now, go thee and make Best Buy the instrument of Their Will.

Posted by Bigwig at May 12, 2005 04:38 PM | TrackBack
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How on earth did you come up with Andover? I just must know.

Posted by: Sully at May 12, 2005 05:17 PM

Whoops! Forgot a link. Thanks, Sully.

Posted by: Bigwig at May 12, 2005 06:08 PM

While Andover may have a large student population to skew its tax base, I guarantee that Kansas City, MO has almost no students at all, and it is still fifth. And since it is only a couple of zip codes away, I might just adopt it.

Posted by: Scorpio at May 12, 2005 08:10 PM

OK, there's an even bigger joke here, and I'm gonna blow it.

Andover, MA is actually a rather wealthy community. I should know; I dated a woman who lives there, and spent a LOT of time in that town. And it's ZIP code is NOT 05501, it's 01810.

Well, most of the town is 01810. There's one part of town that has the ZIP code of 05501. More specifically, one property that has that ZIP code all to itself.

It's the New England regional office of the Internal Revenue Service, where we in the Northeast mail our tax returns to.

Here's the proof:

Bigwig, you're quite possibly more evil than you thought...


Posted by: Jay Tea at May 12, 2005 09:51 PM

Judicious Googling will teach one a lot about certain places in record time, Tea. It allows one to enjoy the tasty, tasty irony. :)

Posted by: Bigwig at May 12, 2005 10:15 PM

Ahh, of course it's the poorest address in the U.S. I know it is, because every year the government makes me send tens of thousands of dollars there, to help the poor people out.

Posted by: Blackavar at May 12, 2005 11:04 PM
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