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May 02, 2005

Hey, Guys! She's Available.

All right. A wedding is a big step. So is skipping one.

You don't want to marry the guy who gave you the ring? Fine. Don't marry him.

You want to cut your hair, hop on a bus to Sin City, and leave 600 people asking "Has anyone seen the bride?"? Fine. Make it so. It's not as if you're inventing cold feet or cowardice. Go for it.

You want to report your escape as a kidnapping, complete with perp descriptions and a blue van? Interesting. The intelligence graph of your choices is taking on a noticable downward trend. You have now graduated from "panicked moron" to "panicked moron criminal."

If you have done these things, you should now be arrested and prosecuted for falsely reporting a crime and making false statements. You should not be coddled. You should not be cuddled. You should not be the beneficiary of the bizarre sympathy expressed by the Albequerque police, who think that criminals should be shown some sort of soft glove treatment if they are "in crisis."

"Law enforcement is really making a major move to deal with people in crisis," Albuquerque Police Chief Ray Schulz said Sunday. "Miss Wilbanks was definitely a person in crisis."

I swear, every time I read that quote, I hear it in the voice of Police Chief Wiggum.

You need not go to jail, but you should be tried and convicted and forced to pay for the resources that were expended investigating your fever dream. If mommy and daddy can afford to piss away the cash for a 600 person wedding in an effort to get you successfully jettisoned, they can probably pick up your fine. Oh, and good luck on that next relationship.

Posted by Hrairoo at May 2, 2005 11:10 AM | TrackBack
Postscript:
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Comments

Yeah, and what's worse, her poor fiance had to endure being a murder suspect-they always look at the husband or fiance in these kind of disappearances.

Posted by: Kai Jones at May 2, 2005 02:09 PM

My favorite quote out of this was from the Chrief of Police when he said this "may" be a crime"if we go by the law". So, does that mean murder "may" be a crime, but only if we consider it that?

Posted by: Scarecrow at May 3, 2005 08:31 AM
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