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April 21, 2005

Ubiquitous Mary

A spokesman for the Virgin Mary announced a upcoming schedule of appearances for the Catholic icon today, following her popular manifestation as a salt stain on a Chicago highway underpass.

A crowd of believers braved a bitter wind to stand beneath the roaring freeway. Most stood in silence, awaiting their turn to touch and pray before the image.

Dressed in a white cap and coat, one woman knelt for several minutes before reaching out to touch the stain. With tears streaming down her face, she retreated to the other side of the underpass, where she clutched a rosary and a book of philosophy while she watched the ebb and flow of the devoted.

"This is the first time I've felt something so deep in my heart. There's something in the air. Her energy is here," Raven Leroux said.

"It's a combination of incredible sadness that human beings have forgotten how to love God, then this joy by realizing that these stories are real," the 57-year-old said as she tried to describe her feelings. "God will never leave us. He'll always send some sign."

An assistant to Saint Peter released the Holy Mother's upcoming schedule to the news media after reading a short statement from the mother of Jesus.

"After having determined that there is no location so demeaning that my people will not flock to worship at it, I, Holy Mary, Holy Mother of God; Most honored of Virgins; Chosen Daughter of the Father Mother of Christ; Glory of the Holy Spirit and Virgin Daughter of Zion, have decided to widen the media upon which I will appear in future, to the benefit and adoration of the faithful. These include, but are not limited to;

1.) The inside of a chemical toilet at a construction site in Dearborn, Michigan.

2.) 12 year old Johan Merser of Bremerton, Germany's stained bedsheet. Johan has just discovered the sin of Onanism, so in answer to his mother's prayers, this will be a "weeping" apparition.

3.) As a outgrowth of toenail fungus (onychomycosis) on the little piggy that ate roast beef of four elderly men, currently resident in the Tidy Acres Rest Home of Sunnyvale, California. Any attempts by the staff there to treat the infections with Lamisil prior to or during my blessed manifestion will be met with rains of frogs and/or toads, dependent upon the previous week's precipitation.

4.) As a pair of newly emergent moles on the chin and nose of Jay Leno and David Lettermen respectively. Let's see who laughs, now.

5.) On various menstrual pads of newly sexually-active single teenagers worldwide. These are also scheduled to be weeping apparitions. Each girl is expected to turn the blessed pad to her local priest during confession, so that it may recieve the proper veneration.

The Virgin Mary extends her thanks to the Catholic population as whole. Remember, where thee least expect me to be, look thee there for me."

The angelic spokesman of Heaven refused to take questions from the audience, and departed in a clap of thunder soon afterwards.

Posted by Bigwig at April 21, 2005 12:33 PM | TrackBack
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Hey, when you get to hell, could you please shoot me an email and let me know whether I need SPF 40, or just copious amounts of a good quality cocoa butter oil with an SPF 2? Also, a list of things to pack would be helpful. I'm worried that I'm bringing too many pants, but my wife says I need to pack the welding coat and helmet, the one with the large and extra dark glass. And please say hello to Dick Nixon and the sumbitch who invented Barney the Dinosaur for me.

Posted by: Blackavar at April 21, 2005 10:35 PM
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