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March 09, 2005

A Whisker Away From Disaster

Russell Crowe, critical cultural resource, and al Qaida target.

Osama bin Laden's al-Qaida terror network wanted to kidnap Russell Crowe as part of a "cultural destabilization plot," the Oscar-winning actor is quoted as saying in an Australian magazine.

In an interview published in the March edition of Australia's GQ Magazine, Crowe said FBI agents told him of the threat in 2001, in the months before he won a best actor Oscar for his role as Maximus in Gladiator.

Obviously, it was only after that plan fell through that Osama went with his fall-back attack on the World Trade Center.

But still, consider how the kidnapping of Russell Crowe would have shaken America to the very fiber of its being. Why, Entertainment Tonight and Extra would probably have had to go to full 24 hour broadcast schedules, putting an immense strain on America's supply of faux-anchor personalities. Pretty soon we might have even been forced to get our celebrity news from....non-celebrities.

That way lies madness people. For this reason, we here at House Hraka have compiled a list of America's other most important stars, mega-stars, uber-mega-super-sized stars and all-that-with-a-side-of-fries humongo-tsunami stars.

We feel that putting a list of this sort in a convenient, easily-found location can only improve the security status of the incandescent geniuses therein. Their hard-gem like flame is what keeps America alive. Without them, the light of our liberty would soon flicker and extinguish. Really. We can't afford to lose a single one. If we lost all of them, America and the West would have no choice but to surrender to the forces that oppose us.

So, without further ado, the House Hraka list of Entertainment Celebrities Whose Kidnapping By Al-Qaida Would Devastate America.

1. Ashton Kutcher - Not since the great Barrymore has an actor been so beloved by America. His removal from the scene would likely bring MTV, America's premier cultural network, to its knees. It might even have to go back to showing actual music videos

2. Lindsay Lohan - Should Lindsay suddenly vanish, an entire generation of dirty old men would be forced to transfer their affections back to the ragged hags known as the Olsen Twins. Obviously this would devastate the stock market. As well, with Lohan removed from the scene, the evil incarnate that is Hillary Duff would spread unimpeded throughout the land, spreading chilblains and tooth decay where’ere it went.

3. Sheryl Crow - Our deepest political thinker, challenged only by the likes of Barbra Streisand and Arianna "Jet Fuel" Huffington.

4. Michael Moore - Were it not for him, a Democrat would be president. See also Ted Rall.

5. Bruce Springsteen - Like Australia's Waltzing Matilda, his "Hungry Heart" is America's unofficial national anthem.

6. Rob and Amber - Reality TV's twofer grand slam. Rob is the very embodiment of American morality. His Socratic dialogues with lifemate Amber, other RTV contestants and random passers-by are considered perhaps the best distillations of Yankee "virtue," and as such are used by nearly every true American parent in the day-to-day raising of their offspring.

7. Everyone from The View - Very popular with the ladies, I hear, and the ladies must be kept happy, else dinner gets burned, productivity declines as a result, and the American economy falls into a tailspin.

8. Oprah - See The View, above. Also; Sarah Jessica Parker and Martha Stewart.

9. Joan Rivers - Elvis is in Joan Rivers, but he's trying to get out. Elvis must be kept imprisoned at all costs. You know why.

10. Michael Jackson - Keeps approximately 20% of the American legal industry employed. Literally thousands of lawyers, paralegals and law clerks are kept off the street thanks to the generosity of this one man.

We hope this list results in the immediate protection of those on it, preferably in a secured underground location, where no one--not even the intrepid journalists of the E! network--can get in or out.

It's the only way to keep America safe.

Posted by Bigwig at March 9, 2005 11:42 AM | TrackBack
First time visitor to House Hraka? Wondering if everything we produce could possibly be as brilliant/stupid/evil/pedantic/insipid/inspired as the post you just read? Check out the Hraka Essentials, the (mostly) reader-selected guide to Hraka's best posts, and decide for yourself.

This is the funniest thing I have read in a while. Excellent!!!

Posted by: Scarecrow at March 9, 2005 12:15 PM

I've included this post in my morning run-down. My trackbacks don't seem to be taking here. So ping!

Posted by: Dave Schuler at March 9, 2005 01:48 PM

Sorry Dave, Trackbacks have been wonky for quite a while now.

Posted by: Bigwig at March 9, 2005 02:15 PM

Good Lord, I can't find Gary Coleman.

Posted by: Jim at March 9, 2005 02:58 PM
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