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February 24, 2005

Sh#t yourself thin


I saw this on Instapundit and thought I would relate my own dieting efforts.

I am on a particular diet, but it's more on a whim than an actual need to lose weight. Anyone who knows me would probably ask me why the hell I'm dieting. Like anyone, I suppose I could afford to lose a few pounds.

Actually, I'm less concerned about my weight than about my body composition. I'm within spitting distance of single-digit body fat percentage and my goal is to get there but I've been hovering between 11-14% for the last year. I've been swinging back and forth like a pendulum over that time period.

It would also be nice to lose, say, 10 pounds because of my knees. I have inherited the knees of my parents. Mom has arthritis in her knees and Dad tortured his lower extremeties by carrying, oh, 80-100 extra pounds for most of his life. Mom makes a lot of noise when she walks and Dad lists to the right, quite like a wounded battleship. Given enough room, he will walk in a very slow circle. Anyway, 10 fewer pounds would save some pounding on my knees when I run.

My real problem is one of time. I work all day, pursue my MBA at night, have some semblance of a social life and get to the gym when I can, which is usually twice a week. If I can make it three and four times a week, my body fat drops fairly readily. It's just that I rarely make it that often. If I'm going to reach my goal, watching what I eat must be part of the plan.

So I'm in the grocery store one day and I see these signs in the produce section promoting the health and weight-loss benefits of consuming three apples a day. The basic plan is that you eat one apple before every meal, eat a decent meal and somehow you magically shed fat. My girlfriend has been encouraging me to eat more fruits and veggies, so I thought I might as well give it a try.

Being the son of my father, I find that if a little of something is good, a lot of something must be better. In addition to three apples a day, I've also been consuming two or three portions of dried fruit. Dried fruits like apricots. Figs. Prunes.

I've been on the "diet" for a week to ten days now. I think I've discovered the magic behind the three-apple-a-day plan. If you eat three apples a day (plus delicious and nutrious dried fruits) you will, in fact, shit yourself thin. The average apple contains about 5 grams of fiber or about 20% of your recommended daily allowance. If I eat three apples a day, I will jog something close to 5 miles between my desk and the bathroom that day. It's a bonafide weight-loss miracle.

I've only been able to weigh myself once or twice since I started on this path of miraculous weight-loss. I seem to have lost only two or three pounds. That is stunning to me because I am convinced that I shed something like a third of my body mass on a daily basis.

I'm sticking with it for now, though. I am trying to keep it up through Lent and see if I notice significant results. Most people using this special brand of torture to lose weight shed a goodly number of pounds within twelve weeks. If I can keep it up for twelve weeks, I will be the fittest man you know. I promise to keep everyone posted but, for now, I have to run.

Posted by Kehaar at February 24, 2005 10:55 AM | TrackBack
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The more obvious reason for most people is that apples are relatively low in calories by density, and if you eat one before dinner, you won't eat as much of those deep_fried cheese-covered nachos.

(Stupid two-dashes rule.)


Posted by: Sigivald at February 24, 2005 02:35 PM

That's one thing I forgot to mention. I am now on the brink of starving almost constantly. I guess the apples have really revved my metabolism or something. I eat and I am immediately hungry again. Does fruit do that for anyone else? I am honest-to_God ravenous.

Posted by: Kehaar at February 24, 2005 03:10 PM

i wouldn't know...eating fruit gets in the way of my pork consumption.

Posted by: mangum at February 24, 2005 04:25 PM

Sorry, Sigivald, but that rule blocks literally hundreds of spammed comments each week. If I take it out I'll spend all my time around here getting rid of spam.

Posted by: Bigwig at February 24, 2005 05:03 PM

I think somebody at my office is on that diet, based on the colon I found in the terlet this morning, which apparently exploded all over the back wall of the stall, the fixtures, the terlet seat, before dropping inside the terlet itself for one final sepia monotone blast which left the large antique crapper painted a uniform, dull chocolate ex lax color. I looked for the body that would have been attached to the bursting colon, but found nothing except a bismotered copy of the sports pages of the WashPost. Naturally, I went into the next stall, and did my own imitation of a B-52 over Hanoi, in spite of the chemical warfare being perpetrated by the remnants of the fellow in the next stall over.

So imagine my surprise when I wanted to stop in for a brief slash after lunch (nice bit of brit slang there, a slash) and found the plumbers in there, blocking of access to all the receptacles of both the sitting and standing species, with a rolling red toolchest the size of Junior Samples, and a good sized gas engine on a pushcart powering a snake the size of a small firehose. Evidently, Homer the TurdBomber not only needs to work on his aim, but could also stand to cut down on the fiber, judging from the sweaty exertions of our pipe doctors and their small-block chevy-powered snake.

Ahhh, no matter how old we get, it's still funny when somebody shits all over the place and clogs up an industrial-sized toilet.

Posted by: Blackavar at February 24, 2005 09:42 PM

Yes, potty humor still amuses me. My mom always said I had a fascination with it.

Something else I find good for...moving things along in an expedited fashion: sugar_free chocolate. I guarantee you if you eat several sugar_free mini Hershey bars, you will become incontinent within a matter of hours.

Posted by: Kehaar at February 25, 2005 09:01 AM

Ah, yes, the miracle of sugar-free candy, from the pre-Splenda days. You have discovered the miracle of sorbitol, which is a laxative and is used as part of the prep for wondorous medical procedures such as colonoscopies.

As far as the side-efects from fiber, if you're not accustomed to eating such a large quantity of fiber daily, I'm not suprised you're experiencing the results you are. You have my sympathies.

Posted by: mira at February 25, 2005 09:43 PM

Mira, I first discovered the joys of sorbitol when I was inadvertently given a bag full of sugar_free Jelly Belly jellybeans. I didn't really experience the laxative effects so much as I experienced an overwhelming case of explosive gas. I stay away from sugar-free jellybeans these days. Or I stay away from people.

Posted by: Kehaar at February 26, 2005 12:26 PM
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