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November 13, 2004

Annoying the One: Decoration And Cleaning Tips

Things to keep in mind—so that one may keep one’s head, when all about are losing theirs.

1. Children should not be allowed to throw balls inside the house.

2. If for some reason children are throwing balls inside the house anyway, it is probably best to not have a fancy lamp-oil candle on top of the television.

3. If for some reason children are throwing balls inside the house AND one keeps a fancy lamp-oil candle on top of the television, the oil inside the candle should be of a neutral color--rather than, say, a bright cherry red--so that, when the lamp oil spills onto a beige carpet, it will not stain.

4. If, for some reason one* has chosen not to partake of this wisdom, and places a fancy cherry-red lamp-oil candle on top of the television, and said candle gets knocked over onto the beige carpet by a child throwing a ball inside the house, then liberally covering the stain with corn starch will soak up most of the oil.

5. One should then vacuum up the cornstarch. Repeat the process until the cornstarch on the carpet stops turning pink. Note that this may require leaving cornstarch on the stain for a number of hours, where it will prove unbearably attractive to the ball-throwing child's younger brother.

6. One's spouse should not make the mistake of being asleep when the ball-throwing child knocks the fancy cherry-red lamp-oil candle off the television, as this implies gross callousness on their part when it comes to their regard for the calamitous potential of ball-throwing lamp oil accidents occuring within the home. If one is still single, seriously consider altering one's future marriage vows to read;

Will you love her, honor her, comfort her, and keep her in sickness and in health; forsaking all others, be true to her as long as you both shall live, and promise to wake up at least five minutes prior to any ball-throwing lamp oil accidents, so that they may be prevented as long as you both have wall-to-wall carpeting in the living room?**

7. If, upon groggily stumbling down the stairs to observe the scene of the accident, one turns to the Internet in search of advice on how to remove fancy, cherry-red lamp oil from a beige carpet, be prepared for one's spouse to adopt the entirely mistaken impression that one is completely useless when it comes to lamp oil carpet crises.

8. If one should happen upon this advice while this impression is still being held by one's spouse, feel free to share it with them--though yone should probably wait until after the first application of cornstarch to the stain, just to be on the safe side.

*The choice of the gender-neutral term "one" in this instance is of a conscious nature, a deliberate action taken to obscure the gender of the person who placed the fancy cherry-red lamp oil candle atop the television in the first place--in order that no blame be apportioned in the accident save that already placed upon the shoulders of the ball-throwing child.

** The use of the term "her" here is for convenience's sake only, and should not be taken as a clue to the nature of the "one" who set the fancy cherry-red lamp oil candle in its precarious perch to begin with.

Posted by Bigwig at November 13, 2004 12:54 PM | TrackBack
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This sounds strangely familiar.... Mom always said, Don't play ball in the house.

Posted by: Sully at November 13, 2004 04:23 PM

Ha! Ha!

I'm a grandmother-in-training and am here to practice my "paying for your raising?" line.

Posted by: Donna at November 13, 2004 08:14 PM

Thank you for making my Monday a little brighter.

Posted by: Dan at November 15, 2004 12:28 PM

sounds like a carnival over there...check out this contest The winner receives free cleaning services from September until 2010

Posted by: Amy at May 12, 2005 11:17 AM
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