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November 06, 2004

The Democrats Were Right

I've just had a vision, a detailed dream of the next four years.

The Democrats told us what would happen if Bush was re-elected, but we wouldn't listen. My God! What have we done?

January 2005

George W. Bush is inaugurated in Washington, D.C.. In his inauguration speech, he announces that Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist is stepping down from the court. Bush immediately nominates conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh to fill the Chief Justice post. Democrats vow to block the nomination.

February 2005

Bush orders all homosexuals rounded up and confined to San Francisco. The job requires less relocation than was originally thought. Bush orders actor Sean Hayes dragged from the stage of a Will and Grace taping by Republican stormtroopers, "because that sumbitch got to be gay."

March 2005

Confirmation hearings for Limbaugh commence. Limbaugh is not present, as Republicans rule that all relevant questions have been answered during the 16 years of his national radio shows. Democrats are forced to pay fifty bucks to join Rush 24/7 and hear the old broadcasts. Ted Kennedy shows up on the Senate floor with a case of gin, and begins to filibuster.

April 2005

Supreme Court justice John Paul Stevens retires. Bush nominates Oliver North as his replacement. The Limbaugh nomination is defeated on a procedural issue, but sleepless Democrats are unable to keep North off the bench.

May 2005

Bush announces that starting this fall all public schools in the U.S. will adopt a heavily religious curriculum. Around the world, boatloads of nuns are press-ganged into service and brought to the United States as teachers.

June 2005

The United States invades Lesotho. The local textile workers are immediately put to work making children's school uniforms for eight cents an hour. The textile workers are happy for the raise, but the world is outraged. Bush pledges to bring democracy to the country. When informed that Lesotho has a democratically elected parliament, Bush claims, "We will stay until the last pair of pants is sewn." U.N. Clothing Inspectors are brought in to speed up the process.

August 2005

Supreme Court justice Stephen Breyer appears in a grainy videotaped message. He is wearing an orange jumpsuit, and appears to be kneeling. He announces his retirement from the Supreme Court. After being informed that Breyer wasn't "that ice cream guy," Bush nominates Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Breyer's replacement. Johnson asks, "Can you smell Roe v. Wade cooking?" Though basically meaningless, the line is a huge hit at Summer Slam.

September 2005

Hurricane Dennis ravages the Florida Gulf Coast. Cheney hires Halliburton to clean up the mess on a no-bid contract. The entire budget of the No Child Left Behind program is used to pay Halliburton.

October 2005

Bush announces a new energy initiative by opening every square inch of Alaska to petroleum exploration. New, time-saving methods of exploration are approved, including the controversial "underground nuke" method, which some activists claim damages the environment.

November 2005

Bush signs the "double execution" bill. In an effort to get really, really tough on crime, juries now have to option to sentence convicted murderers to life in prison, execution, or double execution. In a double execution, the convict will be executed by a state's normal method, brought back to life using the finest doctors and medical techniques, roughed up by a pair of Los Angeles cops, and then shot twelve times in the back while trying to escape.

November 2006

Bush rigs the midterm elections. Votes cast for Democratic candidates are recorded as write-in votes randomly assigned to 70's sitcom stars. Republicans gain over 100 seats in the House and 20 seats in the Senate.

January 2007

Bush re-nominates Rush Limbaugh to fill the still vacant Chief Justice position on the Supreme Court. Limbaugh is easily confirmed, in spite of the spirited objections of Ron "Horshack" Palillo from "Welcome Back, Kotter".

February 2007

The Supreme Court overturns Roe v. Wade. Congress passes a federal law mandating double execution as the punishment for performing abortions. Multiple abortions allow multiplying of the executions.

April 2007

Shady, profiteering bands of former Planned Parenthood workers open "McAbortions", a loosely knit chain of operations in dark alleys across America. Their logo is a coathanger bent to resemble the letter "M".

July 2007

The 22nd amendment is repealed, paving the way for a third Bush run for the presidency.

November 2008

Bush rigs the presidential election. Votes cast for the Democratic nominee are recorded as write-in votes randomly assigned to members of The Jackson Five. Bush wins an electoral landslide. With 22% of the vote, Bush narrowly edges Tito Jackson in the popular vote.

Posted by at November 6, 2004 01:52 PM | TrackBack
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Posted by: Bigwig at November 6, 2004 07:38 PM

So what you're saying, is there's a little in the Bush '04 plan for everybody.

Posted by: Blackavar at November 6, 2004 11:02 PM

No account of dastardly deeds by the Bush Administration is complete without mentioning the sinister Karl Rove lurking in the shadows.:)

Posted by: Bloodthirsty Warmonger at November 7, 2004 04:20 AM
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