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November 04, 2004

Uncle Dub Redux

You know, since everyone and their brother is going to be giving advice to the Democrats over the next few weeks, I think I should get mine in early. Fortunately, I've already written it. Of course, the Democratic party is going to have to learn to speak Southern again before they can take advantage of it.

There's your problem right there, Mister. Ya'll's Premise has thrown a rod and is a-leakin' oil all over the place. Now, that's going to cost you a pile to pretty up, and it warn't running that well no how. Tain't surprising, you been driving that ole rattletrap for nigh on forty years, and it's showing its age. No wonder folks don't want to ride around in it. I don't know how that Clinton boy kept it running as long as he did. He could do more with a little duct tape and spit than the rest of you city boys can with a whole damn team of media engineers, I'll give him that, but he's gone, and the damn thing's ten years older. Maybe ya'll ought to trade it in a on a new one?

Won't get much for it, mind. Might be able to sell it abroad as scrap. But you could make a nice little down payment on a new model. Ain't much like the one you got now, but least it's new. I got me one sitting in the lot right now, comes standard with a bumper sticker saying Saudi Arabia's the real enemy and a handy list of corporations what been screwing the little folks out of their retirement. You won't find either a those in any of them fancy ones parked over at the country club, and it's a got a neat little feature that'll let you bitch about the size of of the guv'mint.

Yea, yea, ya'll heard me right. I pulled it of one off the old Republican models. Asked 'em if they wanted it installed in the new one, but thet Rove fella just started laughing and handing out dollar bills to all the farmers and steelworkers roundabouts. He told me the only time that bitching about guv'mint worked was when you ain't them, and he didn't think they'd be needing to worry about that for 20 years or so. I reckon ya'll might be able to use it now. Still got the instruction manual around here somewhere.

What? Oh, hell no, it hasn't got directions in Mexican and American. Listen, ya'll want it or not? Ross Perot called me up today, said "Save the little one, I wanna take a look at it. I got me an itch to scratch." Ya'll don't buy it, somebody else will, and ya'll might as well be Whigs, then.

Posted by Bigwig at November 4, 2004 11:45 AM | TrackBack
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Y'all got some good idears they-uh; but ah'm afeered we're only intuh-rested in a model that turns left, and left uh-lone. This'un seems to turn right a mite bit easy. We ain't intuh-rested in turnin' right nohow.

Whassat? Y'all say y'all got a model, what signals right and turns left? Naaw. Wouldn't work. Test drove one just like it this Novem-bah. Didn't drive worth a shit, ever'body just kept sayin' to "move on, move on". Ah'm thinking it done blew a head gasket, too; the damn exhaust kept makin' this noise, like to "bushitler bushitler bushitler," like it waren't firin' on all six cyllinduhs. Got a bit of a Sorass 'cuz a the seat, too, like they was wads a money stuffed innit.

Posted by: Blackavar at November 4, 2004 04:19 PM

Thing is, they car don't rahd folks what jes want to be let alone, all settin' up a big ol' gummint health insurnce so's I got to pay for Gaither's insurnce jes' cuz he's an architect what ain't got off his ass an' bought hisself insurnce (you lazy ol' coot, Gaither, hear that?). An' they car don't have no guns built into it, the kind special-made to fire them "fascist killer" bullets. Shoot, that old boy's drivin' around droppin' them fascist boys like flies and they car won't but chase that ol' boy around trying to get him to pull over and apologize fer reckless drivin'. Reckless drivin'! Shit, after he get done freein' Iran, what they gone do, try to run him into a ditch fo' he go an' librate evy goddam one these countries? Oh, yeah, they car's broke alright, and there's your trouble: it don't like people being free.

Posted by: Jim at November 4, 2004 07:37 PM
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