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October 14, 2004

A Completely Uninformative Parent's Guide To The End Times

Ah, there/s nothing like a new human-implatable microchip to bring out the Mark of The Beast Paranoids.

One of the last times Brother Kehaar and I attended church together--since he's single he's pretty much unchurched, the lucky bastard--was during the widely anticipated 1989 Rapture, when we were hoping to watch various members of the Congregation rise up into the heavens before our very eyes. It was at University Methodist in Chapel Hill, so we weren't expecting many people to begin floating aloft, but we figured surely one or two would make the climb up Jacob's Ladder.

Sadly, none did. Nor did they at any other church, as far as we or anyone else knows. I suppose it's possible one or two people disappeared from a remote country church somewhere and we've been living under the Rule of the Beast ever since, but as the plains of Megiddo have been strangely silent, perhaps we should assume that Jayzus! has yet to re-manifest him upon this plain. Certainly the Messiahcam hasn't noticed anything, though if Our Lord and Savior decides to appear at night I don't know how anyone would notice, given the crappy lighting.

I suppose it's like the old joke about the heaven-bound amputee. "Fear not! Lighting will be provided!"

My brothers and I, forever marked as we are by having a minister for a Dad, have long been interested in the lore of the End Times. Not that we believe any of it--we are Methodist, after all--but we do have a kind of clinical interest in the subject, much as an anthropologist would for the latest happenings in the world of Cargo Cults.

For those of you not in the Millenarian know, first comes the Rapture, wherein millions--or perhaps dozens, depending on how strict Jehovah is--rise up into heaven like so many dandelion seeds. After that the Beast--variously identified as the President of the EEC, a Godless Commie, Bill Clinton, or the shambling zombie body of Chairman Mao, depending on who's doing the talking--comes around and implants microchips into everyone that's left. Anyone who refuses gets beheaded, but that's good, as it's the only way to get to heaven after the Rapture. "Fear Not! Heads will be provided!"

This brings to mind a logical question for any parent in need of a backup plan should the Rapture actually take place, as his smug, cynical, and oh-so-superior take on the whole thing will almost certainly leave him and his family with feet firmly planted on the ground in the Post-Liftoff era of Christianity; What’s is our Vengeful and Jealous Master's plan for the children? Will those under the age of accountability, variously identified as 7 by the Catholics,* somewhere around 12 for the Baptists, and age 42 for the Unitarians--be snatched up like busted piñata candies by the Angels of the Lord, or will He leave them upon the Earth like so many unwanted Tootsie Rolls?

Ironically, although God's exact plan for the End Times is easily comprehended by apparently almost anyone, his plans for the littlest among us somewhat more ineffable.

So is it possible that children under the age of accountability will be left behind during the Rapture of the Church? It is possible. God often allows the young and innocent to suffer because of the foolishness, laziness, or sinfulness of the older guilty parties. You cannot help but see the photographs of children starving overseas with their poor extended bellies and not see that the innocent often suffer in this life. That is the curse that Adam brought on all creation by his selfish action in the Garden, the curse of sin on all creation. Often those who know no better, innocent children, suffer because of the guilty. Millions of aborted children testify to this, much to our shame in America.

I wish I could tell you that, absolutely, those under the age of accountability will go with us in the Rapture, but I'm afraid I can't. In fact, based on Scriptural records, I would be more inclined to believe the opposite.

So then, assuming that Jesus doesn't love the little children enough to prevent them from suffering at the hands of Satan's Minions in the period between the Rapture and His Eventual Victory over Said Minions, what happens to the children below the age of accountability whose parents have the Microchipped Mark of Mr. Mephistopheles implanted within them? It's not as if an eight year old is going to be allowed to remove the chip should he decide an eternity spent eating naught but burning hot coals and drinking naught but burning hot cola isn't an attractive option for the afterlife, no matter how much he begs. Will they receive a Get-Into-Heaven-Free card despite the MotB, or will God simply halt all procreative activity and wait until everyone has reached the age of majority? Once there, how much time does the last child to age out have before the rest of us are divided into the goats and the sheep? A day? Two weeks? What if implantation technology comes of age before the Rapture? Are those microchips not part of the Mark of the Beast, or does the Holy Father grandfather them in somehow?

One would think those who can tell us the exact timing of the Holy Ghost's Return would also be able to address such matters, but it seems only certain details are worth the effort.

Too bad. It'd be a nice change from debating how many angels can dance on the head of a pin during our holiday get-togethers.

*All of whom are doomed anyway, according to many of the most extreme** Protestant millenarians.

**I'm sure they prefer "well-informed."

Posted by Bigwig at October 14, 2004 02:29 PM | TrackBack
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As a Christian, may I please make a Public Service Annoucement?


Posted by: Thief at October 14, 2004 03:03 PM

I go to church...

Posted by: Kehaar at October 14, 2004 06:08 PM

Wow, that was really, really bitter...

Posted by: HokiePundit at October 14, 2004 09:14 PM

At least they're not going on about HAARP, the Illuminati, "the worldwide financial conspiracy", or any of the rest.

You're lucky, pal.

(PS. Reptilians!)

Posted by: Sigivald at October 15, 2004 01:42 PM
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