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September 08, 2004

Mad Ali!

Now that France has declared itself the largest Muslim state in Europe, it's time to update that country's image. Since many people gain their first impressions of the world from reading or being read to at an early age, we'll start by updating some classic children's literature.

Mad Ali

In an old house in Paris that was covered with vines
lived twelve jihadis in two straight lines.
In two straight lines they cursed the West,
brushed their teeth and made suicide vests.

They smiled at the bad and frowned at the good.
Blood and death gave them all raging wood.
They went to the mosque at half past three
in two straight lines. They disdained brie--
the smallest one was Mad Ali.

A Western throat he longed to slice
or sever with an explosive device.
To each child he saw out on the Rue,
Mad Ali said, "Die Jew!"
His heart was black.
The thought of him frightened Miss Chirac.

In the middle of the night
Miss Chirac turned on her light
and said, "Something is not right!"
Little Mad Ali sat in bed
laughed and laughed, but his eyes were dead.

And soon after came Dr. Cohn
Who then rushed out to the phone.
He dialed; DAN-ton-ten-six--
"Nurse!" he said, "Inside him--something ticks!"

Everyone said "Not to worry!
He will soon be with a houri!"
Mad Ali was full of glee
For in Paradise soon he would be.

But Dr. Cohn, the damned Jew,
Thought he knew what he could do.
He hung up, then called the gendarme.
They would surely keep him from harm.

Two men arrived, all dressed in blue
Their badges read "Mustapha" and "Al Halou."
They took Dr. Cohn out through the door.
And Ali heard from him no more.

In a car with a red light
they drove him out into the night.
Mad Ali woke up two hours
later, in a room with flowers.

Mad Ali soon ate and drank.
On his bed there was a crank,
and a crack on the ceiling above his bed
looked just like a severed head.
On the news he saw Dr. Cohn was dead
of blunt force trauma, so it was said.

One nice morning Miss Chirac said nervously,
"Should we go visit Mad Ali?"
"Visitors from Two to Four" read a sign outside his door.
Tiptoeing with solemn face,
and plastique hidden in a vase,
in they walked and then said "AHHH"
when they saw the guns, money and praise from Al-Fatah.

But the biggest surprise by far-
on his stomach was a scar!
"Alu Akbar!" they said, "Our god is great!
"He sups on heathen blood and hate!"

They went home and broke their bread
cleaned their guns and went to bed.
But in the middle of the night,
Miss Chiraq turned on the light
and said, " Something is not right!"

And petrified of a disaster,
Miss Chirac ran fast, and faster
and prostrate, she begged, "Please children do--
tell me what I can do for you?"
and all the jihadis cried, "Boohoo,
we want to kill Jew doctors too!"

"Good night little ones!
Tomorrow you leave for Iraq
and now go to sleep!"
said Miss Chirac.
and she turned out the light--
and closed the door---
and that's all there is---
there isn't anymore.

Watch for the further adventures of Mad Ali!

Mad Ali and The Bad Hat - Mad Ali changes the course of an election when he kidnaps the son of the Spanish Ambassador.
Mad Ali's Rescue - Mad Ali is shamed when a filthy canine pulls him from the Seine.
Mad Ali in London - Mad Ali smuggles AK-7s into the Finsbury Park Mosque.
Mad Ali in America - His unrequited lust for Eloise leads Mad Ali to crash a Boeing 747 into the Plaza Hotel.
Mad Ali's Christmas - Mad Ali ends his caroling with a bang!
Mad Ali Sans Merci - Why the reader should be polite to Arabs, or else.
Mad Ali And The Gypsies - Or was it Jews? Same difference, really. Same outcome, certainly.

Posted by Bigwig at September 8, 2004 01:10 PM | TrackBack
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The Moulin Rouge is still working out how to Can-Can in abayas.

Posted by: Laurence Simon at September 8, 2004 02:24 PM

As someone who has wallowed in Madelineiana since my daughter was 2 (she recently turned 6), I'm just jealous I didn't think of this first.

Posted by: Lex at September 8, 2004 04:10 PM

Sometimes slogging through those kids' books over and over again can result in some really creative processes. Good stuff.

Posted by: Yomama at September 9, 2004 10:07 AM
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