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July 26, 2004

The Climax Of His Career

If John Kerry does fail in his quest for the presidency, he can always play the Woody Allen role in the remake of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid To Ask.

Posted by Bigwig at July 26, 2004 08:49 PM | TrackBack
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The Democratic convention begins today, so I thought I'd compile a set of gestures one can use while watching at home. There won't be much network coverage tonight, though CBS did manage to obliterate CSI: Miami with their coverage--dammit. Oh well, it was a rerun, anyway. You'll have to watch a lot of cable to see most of it.

The Bullshitometer: Using your index finger, flick it back and forth in the manner of an analog VU meter or a tachometer, simulating "pegging" or "redlining" as the excrement gets really thick. This one can be quite useful for anyone speaking at the convention because they're all full of it. You can accurately calibrate your bullshitometer beforehand with Michael Moore's "Farfromright 9/11" or Bill Clinton's "My [self-centered, self-indulgent] Life" audio book.

The Toast, Steering Wheel, or Dog Paddle: All of these are appropriate for Ted Kennedy's speech. Either raise an imaginary glass, or one with real liquor in it if you have it, to perform The Toast. 35 years ago, mankind landed on the moon, and Ted landed in a creek in Chappaquiddick. If he's really going deep, use both arms to simulate the erratic steering of a drunk driver, or pretend to dog paddle in honor of his heroic swim to shore.

The Wallet: When Kerry and/or Edwards begins to ramble on about providing health care to illegal-immigrant, lesbian mothers, or rolling back tax cuts on the "rich", which essentially means anyone with a job who knows what a mutual fund is, hold your wallet toward the television while pretending to pull it back with all your strength.

Squeeze the Ketchup: When Teresa Heinz Kerry speaks, squeeze an imaginary bottle of ketchup while making that farting sound that occurs when the bottle is about empty. All that New Age crap has pretty much emptied her head. Come to think of it, liberals and French fries aren't all that different--a good taste, but just empty calories and fat. They do go well with Heinz ketchup, though.

Hands Up, or The Warm Hug: For Jimmy Carter, or for when someone starts talking about regaining the respect of the world (like France, Germany, Russia, China, Canada, or the UN), put your hands up and wave a handkerchief in surrender. You can also hug yourself or whoever you're with while saying, "Can't we all just get along?"

Kum-bah-yah: Another option for foreign policy speeches. If you have a guitar, singing is much more enjoyable, and who knows, it just might make you feel like hugging somebody.

The Violin: Invariably, John Edwards will probably talk about his life as the son of a mill worker, or someone will go on about the poor black children walking to school uphill both ways in the snow--in south-central Los Angeles, mind you--dodging bullets while studying for those racially-biased standardized tests, and how if only the minimum wage were raised again, all these problems would go away. Play your imaginary violin somberly.

The Bird: Self-explanatory.

Posted by: Kevin at July 26, 2004 10:30 PM


Posted by: Kevin (a diffferent one) at July 27, 2004 12:38 PM

That is awesome. One of your best comments ever. Can I assume you don't like the Dems? Great job! Now go drink a Natural and tie me up some drum rigs for October!!

Posted by: Mason at July 27, 2004 03:43 PM

I don't think either of those are the Kevin you have in mind, man.

Posted by: Bigwig at July 27, 2004 03:58 PM
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