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June 23, 2004

Horse Sense

I read Slate's take on the ongoing Bud/Miller commercial wars the other day. It boils down to something like "The Bud commercials are effective smackdowns, but it was a mistake for Bud to ever acknowledge what Miller was doing in the first place."

The problem with acknowledging Miller's campaign is two-fold. One, it raises the smaller Miller up to the same level as Anheuser-Busch. Two, it invites yet another response from Miller, and their marketing firm has already proven itself to be a clever one.

When it comes down to it, I'm not going to drink either brew, but my sympathy lies with Miller. Not only are they smaller, but Bud has thrown its weight around inappropriately before. A clever response from Miller would be nice, but what I'd like to see from them is more along the lines of thermonuclear war.

-------------------
FADE IN:

EXT - Road - Daytime

A single Clydesdale stands alone on a sun dappled road. It's spring, the wind is blowing gently, the sounds of birds are in the air. Suddenly the birdsong is drowned out by the sound of a jet of liquid, first hitting the bare bottom of a metal bucket, then gradually filling it up. The horse stands completely still while the liquid sound continues for the next 20 seconds or so. Finally the sound peters out, the camera pulls back, and a delivery man dressed in clothing very similar to that of a Bud driver wheels a keg out from behind the horse. On the side of the keg is a red and white sticker reading FRESH!

DELIVERYMAN: Thanks Duke. (or Captain, Mark, or Bud)

The Clydesdale whinnies in response as the deliveryman wheels the keg into a bar.

CUT TO

INT - BAR

Two men are sitting at the bar with a gorgeous blonde. Call them Dan and Jim. Dan has a beer, Jim is getting ready to order. Dan raises his beer to his lips, takes a sip of beer, then spews it all over the blonde in an extended spit-take. The camera pulls back, showing a number of similar spit-takes from customers in the background.

Jim looks at his companion, the blonde girl, then turns to the bartender, who is gazing in slack-jawed amazement at Dan.

JIM: "Make it a Miller."

The still stunned BARTENDER: "No shit."

FADE TO MILLER LOGO

ANNOUNCER: "Miller Beer. When you're tired of drinking the stuff that comes from a horse."

CUT TO:

Dan, frantically brushing his teeth.

FADE TO BLACK
-------------------

I look forward to a check in the mail from Wieden + Kennedy any day now.

Posted by Bigwig at June 23, 2004 02:37 PM | TrackBack
Postscript:
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Comments

Funny! It would be the talk of the water cooler, if you could get it by the censors.

Posted by: Interested-Participant at June 23, 2004 07:14 PM

I just think it's a pity that Miller is pimping that vile Light swill and the foul, syphilitic yak piss they call Genuine Draft over the vastly superior High Life.

I mean, c'mon, it's High Life! It's the champagne of fizzy yellow beer!

(And, yes, I did just have to look at the bottle to remember how to spell champagne.)

Posted by: Matt Navarre at June 26, 2004 01:12 AM

I suppose my sympathies, to the extent I have any, are with Miller, or more precisely against Bud. But they're both industrial swill. Fortunately, the Detroit area has a couple of very good brewpubs, several that are decent, and a number of stores where good quality beer can be bought, so who cares?

Posted by: Alex Bensky at June 26, 2004 06:24 PM

I suppose my sympathies, to the extent I have any, are with Miller, or more precisely against Bud. But they're both industrial swill. Fortunately, the Detroit area has a couple of very good brewpubs, several that are decent, and a number of stores where good quality beer can be bought, so who cares?

Posted by: Alex Bensky at June 26, 2004 06:24 PM
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