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May 06, 2004

Not What Prudie Says: Advice That Doesn't Pussyfoot Around

In Prudie's mailbag today

Q: My mother, who is estranged from my sister, told me that she (my sister) is neither to be told about nor invited to her funeral when the time comes...explanatory background cut....The only tie I have to my mother is love, as there is no monetary incentive for me to honor her wishes, but this situation violates a personal code I have about forgiving.

Not The Prudie Answer: Your mother is full of crap, and deserves a nice mental slap in the face. Tell her that under no circumstances will you poison your personal relationships the way she has hers, and that if your sister isn't invited to the funeral, you won't be attending either.

Q: I am a single gal who does not go to bars or clubs and is considered the hard-working, goody-two shoes type. Cut: Hoary and cliched "What's the deal with all the married men and why can't I get a date?" complaint.

Not The Prudie Answer: You didn't mention your looks, so we'll assume you're at least average-looking. The fact that at least some men, married or not, want to preform the horizontal mambo with you argues for that interpretation. The fact that you didn't so much as make a gesture towards the obligatory mention of looks in your lament argues against it. One would sooner expect to see a 3-4-3 haiku that a date complaint from a single woman that doesn't mention her looks.

In case you're not average or good-looking--that's your problem. Lose weight, exercise and bleach--the face isn't as important as the body, but a mustache throws the curve off. Once you're married, you can gain the weight back--that's as much a part of marriage as arguing over bills and farting underneath the covers.

But your real difficulty is that you're a "single gal who does not go to bars or clubs and is considered the hard-working, goody-two shoes type."

To quote the Master: "Don't drink, don't smoke, What do you do?"

Your answer is "Nothing," apparently. No wonder you're at home alone on a Saturday night--you don't drink or put out and you're competing with girls, lots of girls, who do. You don't even travel in the same circles as they do, and that's where all the single guys are to begin with.

Not that you need to become a drunken slut, though that would help. Do you have any girlfriends? If not, well, there's a another clue right there, but if you do, start going out to bars and clubs with the sluttiest one. She'll attract more than she can handle, unless she's a Samantha level slut, and you can troll through the castoffs.

But don't think of them as castoffs. Think of them as those who didn't make it through the slut filter. There'll be a number of reasons why they didn't get lucky, because they're too moral, too nice, too smart, or not buff enough for her to be attracted to them. Hell, they're only there to begin with because their friends dragged them along.

Q: I'm a 23-year-old law student and political activist who also loves ballroom dancing and classical music. Everyone tells me I'm a great listener and that I put other people first. After all of this, not only have I not had a date in years, but women don't even give me a second look. When I ask my women friends, they tell me that any woman would be lucky to have me ... but no one is interested.

Not The Prudie Answer: A ballroom dancer who's a great listener, puts other people first, and seeks advice from his women friends. I'm not saying you're gay, but everyone else is.

Just to emphasize, you partipate in an activity that puts you in contact with lots of women on a regular basis, and you still can't get a date. I've seen Strictly Ballroom, hell I own it, my point is--those women are horny, buddy. Fish in a barrel, and you can't shoot one.

If you're not gay, though you should seriously consider the possibility, then you're a pushover, and no matter what your women friends say, women frigging hate pushovers. A pushover's entire personality lisps "Flaccid!" at the world. Women like men who push back. Quit being such a great listener and putting other people first--Alan Alda pumped that well dry years ago. Take up a more manly activity, like swing dancing.

But you might be happier if you go out to a gay bar and see what happens.

Ya Ya: Listen to the rhythm. Don't be scared.

Posted by Bigwig at May 6, 2004 01:51 PM | TrackBack
First time visitor to House Hraka? Wondering if everything we produce could possibly be as brilliant/stupid/evil/pedantic/insipid/inspired as the post you just read? Check out the Hraka Essentials, the (mostly) reader-selected guide to Hraka's best posts, and decide for yourself.

Now, this might sell--an advice columnist who not only tells you the unwanted truth in the unfriendliest way, but who gives you a black eye at the same time!

Posted by: Yomama at May 6, 2004 03:54 PM

Alan Alda destroyed masculinity. E-mail for my disertation re same.


Posted by: Josh Martin at May 7, 2004 07:19 PM
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