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March 29, 2004

Mr. Answer Man Explains Your Mysterious Avian Behavior Patterns

A laconic interrogative via IM from the owner of Mr. Mike's Used Books, terse words hiding the misery and heartbreak behind them.

Bird perching on rearview mirror of dad's car, crapping there 10 times a day. How to get rid of bird without putting a hole in it?

Ah spring, when the thoughts of our fine feathered friends align with those possessed by teenage males the year round--how to get as much nookie as possible in as short a time as possible?

In the human, these drives compel the adolescent male to turn hats askew, clothe themselves in pants tailored more for the frame of Otis The Drunk, and roam the public thoroughfares in spotty packs of ill-defined menace.

In the avian species, whose small brains are only slightly less dim than those of the hormonally ruled human male, this drive results in the establishment of a territory with which the male bird hopes to attract a female. Then, once he has mated with the lady of his choice and established her securely within his domain, the proud cock is free to attempt making time with the neighbor's wives, the little sluts.

For avians, what's good for the gander is definitely not good for the goose, so in between his attempts at serial infidelity the male fowl must defend his territory against incursions by other males.

Consider the humble Cardinal, the state bird of North Carolina, a bird one so dim that he does not recognize his reflection for what it is. I've spent many a springtime lunch break watching male cardinals batter themselves into insensibility while trying to drive away a mirror image of themselves.

Mockingbirds, while on the whole smarter than the cardinal family, will do much the same thing.

This is almost certainly why Mr. Mike's dad's rearview mirror is caked in birdcrete--especially if the windows are tinted and face the sun. If not, well, a bit of shade will suffice. A Cardinal, or some other bird equally as stupid, for what species the bird actually is unknown to Mike's aged forebears, perched on the rearview mirror one fine day, spotted a potential rival in the glass, and now returns there regularly in order to keep an eye on the dastard. Since the other bird won't go away, the male Cardinal refuses to depart as well, hence the copious amounts of feces in the rearview mirror.

Now, as to getting rid of him; there's the boring method, and the fun one.

The boring method would be to drape a towel over the offending window when the car isn't in use, removing the reflection from the bird's view.

The more exciting method involves duct tape, which ought to appeal to any real man. Make a loop of duct tape with the sticky side out--about 4 inches wide should do. Place the sticky loop on the top of the rearview mirror. The next time Mr. Bird alights, he's stuck.

Then the taunting can begin. Not so big now, are you, you bastard! How you going to keep the little woman at home with your feet glued to my car? Look there she goes, making eyes at the guy across the street. What a little hussy!

Then one or two trips around the block at speed, and that's one bird that'll never perch on a rearview mirror again.

Alternatively one could cage the bird, then drive out in the country and release him, but where's the fun in that?

Unless you wanted to see how long it takes him to get back, then catch him the next day and try again from farther away.

That would be scientific, that would, and annoying small animals in the name of science is the most fun thing of all.

Posted by Bigwig at March 29, 2004 02:22 PM | TrackBack
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