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March 13, 2004

Annoying The Wife: Breakfast

Call it second child syndrome--Sainted Wife found Scotty eating out of the cat's bowl this morning and she didn't bat an eye, just picked him up, gave him a quick finger sweep and plopped in his high chair.

"He's hungry."

I gave him some of my ham and scrambled eggs, chopped up very small. He was grateful, or at least appeared to be, enthusiastically pounding the high chair tray in between bites. When he began to tire of that, I gave him a round ham bone to gnaw on. He was immediately entranced, inserting a chubby thumb through the hole in the middle and mouthing the bone ecstatically.

Now to the wife, cat food is one thing, but hambones are quite another, apparently.

"What is this, 1924?" she inquired of me.

"But he likes it," I pointed out. "And this way I can drink my coffee and read my paper in peace."

"Damn your genes," she replied wearily, her tone implying that a great and heavy burden had been placed upon her years ago, one that she had little choice but to bear to the grave, and that it was pressing down upon her particularly hard at the moment.

Marriage: it's all about communication. She's good at it.

I'm not. At first I thought she was speaking of the intimate bond Scotty had developed with his pig bone, but now I'm not so sure.

To distract herself from the low grunts of pleasure her son was emitting, SW made Ngnat Mickey Mouse toast* with the crustless bread she had bought as a special treat. Ngnat religiously refuses to eat the brown parts of her sandwiches, as if the God of Leviticus had appeared to her at an early age, perhaps in the form of a Tickle Me Elmo that burned endlessly but was never consumed, and instructed her in The New Kosher Revelation.

"Verily I say unto you, little one, that the crust of the bread is an abomination before the Lord, and it shall not be eaten of, but rather carelessly tossed aside as food for the lower animals, for the birds of the feeders and the dogs of the hearth.

Neither shall ye eat the raisins of the red box, nor the hot meal of the oats, no matter what punishments thy father and mother threaten to inflict upon thee.

Fear nothing of what they say, for when thy father and mother press upon you the abominations, thy shalt answer them in cunning tones, saying unto them that thou art full to the brim with food, and cannot eat another bite.

And they shall relent, for the fear of food issues affecting the fruit of their loins in years to come is great in them.

Thus sayeth the Lord, thus doeth thee, after the manner of the small apes that see and do."

Mickey Mouse toast is made with margarine, or a spread of some kind. The wife prefers something called ĎI Canít Believe Itís a Thick Yellow Paste,í which we've spoken of before, spread in three circles, one for the head, two for ears, on a piece of white bread. Toast in toaster oven until brown. It's a very traditional breakfast in SW's family. Ngnat partakes of it almost every morning.

Except for this morning, of course. Ngnat refused to touch her Mickey Mouse toast, first citing a distressing lack of crust on the specific piece of bread her mother had prepared, then declaring a passionate devotion to crusts on bread in general. After another bout of muttering, Sainted Wife prepared a crusty version of Mickey, and ate the other herself.

Ngnat took her new breakfast into the living room--to munch on while watching Fantasia. She carefully nibbled down to the crusts, then placed them carefully back onto her plate.

"I'm full," she announced.

Posted by Bigwig at March 13, 2004 11:36 AM | TrackBack
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Ah, yes! Without the crusts, she would not know where to stop eating.

Posted by: scorpio at March 13, 2004 08:11 PM

Reading you reference to "second child syndrome" takes me back to when we had our third and realized a few things.

We tired of cameras so his is mostly an undocumented life. We have to make a consciuos effor at photography and videography.

He doesn't get new clothes - and, as yet - doesn't care.

But mostly we figured out that the main change is that we had to abondon a "man-to-man" defense and learn to play "zone".

Posted by: David Hoggard at March 14, 2004 08:23 AM

LOL Great post.

Posted by: Ted at March 15, 2004 03:05 PM
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