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March 01, 2004

We Have Met The Enemy, And He Is In Need Of Vittles

The psychological makeup of suicide bombers explained at last! Many thanks to Yahoo News for finally explicating the complex makeup that lies behind the impetus to blow oneself to bits.

Awaad was a morose middle-school dropout who became consumed by Islam: a trajectory typical of holy warriors throughout the Muslim world.

So what we're facing here are depressed versions of The Beverly Hillbillies' Jethro Bodine, another man who didn't make it much beyond 6th grade.

Now this is a tough nut to crack. As everyone knows, Jethro was convinced of his superiority in all manner of endeavors, even though he was the dumbest incompetent to be found in any group of people numbering larger than one.

Hmmm. Superiority complex. Fortune founded on oil. Where have we run into this before?

Well, no matter. The problem we have here is obvious. We've got to cheer up the morose middle school dropouts of the Arab world, else they'll be scattering their entrails across shop windows and sidewalks in the Middle East from now till Doomsday.

Fortunately, we have a plan, though we'll need your help. As everyone knows there was one thing that made Jethro happier than anything else--a heaping helping of Granny's possum stew.

We've got the possums.

We've got the recipe. Hell, we've got recipes.

Now we just have to get them to the Middle East.

Presenting the Silflay Hraka Suicide Bombing Prevention Program, aka Peace Possums for Palestinians.

This is where you come in. Admittedly, I live in the South, where possums are as common as doublewides and hog farms, but even so my possum gathering abilities are limited. It's doubtful that I could find more than 7 or 8 possums a day to mail off to the Middle East.

But if we all pitched in, America could put a possum in every Middle Eastern pot by Easter.

What you'll need:

A plastic bag, (Hefty four ply is good) for storing the possum

A metal Spatula, for separating the possum from the pavement

Gloves, for sanitation. We wouldn't want your germs infecting the possum. That would be rude.

Once you've bagged up your possum, mail it and your favorite recipe to one of the addresses below.

Permanent Observer Mission of Palestine to the United Nations
115 East 65th Street
New York, NY 10021

Royal Embassy of Saudi Arabia,
601 New Hampshire Avenue, N.W.,
Washington DC 20037

You'll save postage by mailing the possums to a domestic address, and the grateful recipients will be able to take advantage of their diplomatic status to ship them overseas cheaply. It may take time, but possum is a meat that tastes better when it has some age on it.

Put a Peace Possum in the post today. Future generations are counting on you.

Posted by Bigwig at March 1, 2004 02:58 PM | TrackBack
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Dead possum, a diplomatic pouch and a week to age.

Mmmm-MM! That's good eatin'!

Posted by: Lex at March 1, 2004 05:00 PM

Every would-be suicide bomber: Opens the package. Scowls, smells the rancide possum and spices. The note and recipe are read, the scowl disappears, a twinkle in the eye may be seen, the corners of the mouth turn up, a chuckle emerges, a chortle, a guffaw, then hearty laughter. A what-was-I-thinking embarrassed laugh with all of us, a few hugs, perhaps a tear, and we're all friends forever.

Posted by: Jim at March 1, 2004 09:46 PM

Okay, sending the possums is fine.

But we'd have to send each marsupial with a SCOTS CD, so they'd know what to do with the damn things.

Posted by: Blackavar at March 2, 2004 11:55 AM
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