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January 23, 2004

God Help The Chinese If Mac Gets His Hands On A Laptop

Monkeys at Safari Park in Shenyang, China rioted today after a promised appearance by American actress Geena Davis fell through at the last minute.

Zookeeper Hu Nu described the scene. "The entire primate area has been trashed. There are feces and bananas everywhere. This is worse than the time some idiot put urine in the Coca-Cola fountains."

Hu broke into bitter tears as he described the enormity of the task before him. Brightly colored baboons still roam the large primate subsection of Safari Park, hooting viciously at any intruders before attacking or pelting them with handfuls of a seemingly inexhaustible supply of feces.

The riot began when a trio of apes; Mac, Wiplock and Zeebo (shown on left, with an unnamed companion), broke out of their enclosure minutes after it was announced that a long-planned visit from Actress Geena Davis (Cutthroat Island, Earth Girls Are Easy) planned as part of the celebration of the new Chinese Year of The Monkey had fallen through.

"The director announced that Julie Brown had agreed to step in at the last minute," explained Hu. "But that just seemed to make them angrier."

Chinese officials are presently at a loss on how to deal with the newly-feral primates. When reached for comment, Zoo Director Fu Shu Mang characterized Ms. Davis as "imperialist running dog" who fomented a counter-revolution among the zoo's primate populace while on a visit to the zoo the previous week.

"She spent many hours in the company of Mac," Fu commented. "At the time, we thought it a touching way for her to develop trust with these simple creatures. Now we know better."

"It's too disgusting to elaborate on," Fu said, before he was interrupted by a phone call. "Excuse me? What? What! Chairman Mao on a popsicle stick! Yes, set up roadblocks, you idiot!"

After slamming the phone down, the director abruptly terminated the interview. "I have to go. Wiplock and Zeebo have stolen a car and were last seen driving in the direction of Beijing."

Questions about the escape's impact on Chinese/American relations went unanswered, as did repeated calls to Ms. Davis's hotel suite.

Posted by Bigwig at January 23, 2004 04:04 PM | TrackBack
Postscript:
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