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January 07, 2004

Adventures In Journalism: Aves

Reader: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(Reuters does not respond.)

Reader: 'Ello, Miss?
Reuters: What do you mean "miss"?
Reader: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Reuters: We're closin' for lunch.
Reader: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this rare robin what I read about not half an hour ago at this very news service.
Reuters: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Robin...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?
Reader: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. There's no such thing as a Norwegian Robin, that's what's wrong with it!
Reuters: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's from Norway.
Reader: Look, matey, I know a Erithacus rubecula when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Reuters: No no he's not domestic, he's, he's foreign'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Robin, isn't it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Reader: The plumage don't enter into it. It's the same species as every bloody Robin on the Island.
Reuters: Nononono, no, no! 'E's rare!
Reader: All right, if he's rare, then I shan't find him on this list of Common British Birds, then, shall I?
Reuters: 'Ere, you're using the Internet! That's hardly fair, innit?
Reader: Well, I wouldn't have to use the Internet if you knew a bleeding thing about birds, now would I?
Reuters: 'Ere, you did it again! Stop that!
Reader: Admit that this is not a rare Norwegian robin, and I'll bother you no longer.
Reuters: But 'e's from Norway. 'Course he's a Norwegian Robin!
Reader: He's a European Robin, you twit. They're everywhere, the rats of the air.
Reuters: You don't see many Norwegian Robins 'round 'ere. I can tell you that.
Reader: Look, I just happen to have a pocketful of dirt here. Does it look rare?
Reuters: Pocketful of dirt?
Reader: Yes. I'm a podiatrist.
Reuters: Well, that's all right then. No, it don't look rare.
Reader: What if I told you this dirt was from Norway? Rare Norwegian dirt!
Reuters: Dirt is dirt, mate.
Reader: My point exactly.
Reuters: Well, I'd better make a correction, then.
(Reuters takes a quick peek behind the counter)
Reuters: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the presses, and uh, we're right out of corrections.
Reader: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Reuters: I got an ombudsman.
Reader: (sweet as sugar) No, you don't.
Reuters: 'E's around here somewhere.
Reader: (deliberately) Do you in fact intend to do anything at all about this?
Reuters: Yes, sir.
Reader: Really?
Reuters: No. Not really, sir.
Reader: You aren't.
Reuters: No sir. Not at all. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Reader: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to fisk you.
Reuters:: Right-Oh, sir.
(The reader starts a blog and fisks the news service)
Reader: What a senseless waste of electrons.

Posted by Bigwig at January 7, 2004 03:03 PM | TrackBack
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Pinin' for the fjords, he was.

Posted by: Jim at January 7, 2004 03:25 PM

It got better.

Posted by: LeeAnn at January 7, 2004 07:25 PM

"That is in fact an ex-robin!"

Posted by: Greeblie at January 8, 2004 01:00 PM

vis-a-vis the metabolic processes, he's 'ad is lot!

Posted by: oxymoronic scotsman at January 8, 2004 01:15 PM

Y'all are dorks. Educated dorks, but dorks.

Posted by: Robert Bauer at January 8, 2004 05:05 PM
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