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November 22, 2003

Elderly Turkey Surprise

I constructed Elderly Turkey Surprise this morning, out of suspicious deli meat, aging sour cream and the scrapings from two bags of shredded cheese. It was for my breakfast, as I wasn't going to risk poisoning the wife and child, but first SW and then the Ngnat demanded some. Ngnat went so far as to take the plate away to get more for herself, then forbidding me to eat the leftovers when she finished so she could eat them later.

Ngnat has never placed the "don't touch" taboo on anything she's ever eaten, including candy and ice cream, so I thought I would record the recipe for posterity--not to mention next Saturday, when the sliced bird SW bought last night will have become questionable.

You'll need;

Some leftover evaporated milk
Elderly deli turkey
1/3 of a cup of sour cream
Handful of shredded parmesan
Handful of shredded cheddar
Hoagie dressing. (Sandwich oil with herbs floating in it.)
Five eggs

Melt the butter in a saucepan. Use enough to cover the bottom. Don't worry about your health. People who cook dishes called "Elderly Turkey Surprise" shoulnd't be dwelling on the long term, if you get my drift. While the butter is melting, mix the eggs with the evaporated milk. Add some salt and pepper to it. No, I don't know how much. I'm not the measuring type, the specificity regarding sour cream amounts above notwithstanding. Pour the mixture into the saucepan on top of the melted butter. Turn the heat down to about a three, as if you're making a frittata.

Now, remove the suspicious turkey from the slightly slimy bag it has rested in for just over a week, cover it with the hoagie dressing, and grill. I used our George Foreman. Everyone has one of those, right? If not, get another saucepan, cover the bottom in hoagie dressing, and dump the turkey in that. Whichever one you use, turn the turkey frequently. It helps if you suspect there's a pocket of salmonella somewhere in the folds within that hasn't quite died.

So, in essence, cook until you're sure that, if there was bacteria on the meat to begin with, that it is now dead. There should be scorch marks everywhere, in other words.

Meanwhile your eggs have been cooking. Dump the shredded cheese on top of it. Let it melt. Once the mixture seems almost cooked, pop it in the oven and broil it for a minute or two. Once again, just like a frittata.

Remove the saucepan from the oven, slide the eggs onto a plate, and top with first the turkey, then the sour cream. Serve. Wait a day to see if you cooked the turkey enough.

Bon Appetit.

Posted by Bigwig at November 22, 2003 12:27 PM | TrackBack
First time visitor to House Hraka? Wondering if everything we produce could possibly be as brilliant/stupid/evil/pedantic/insipid/inspired as the post you just read? Check out the Hraka Essentials, the (mostly) reader-selected guide to Hraka's best posts, and decide for yourself.

You show culinary genius, when considering the Napoleonic officers who thought crow cooked in a breastplate on the "retreat" from Moscow was the most delicious dish they had ever eaten. They had their cook prepare it with gunpowder for seasoning, and realized that starvation makes a very temporal sauce for satisfying hunger.

Posted by: Rich at November 22, 2003 03:28 PM

Sorry, Bigwig, I guess I wasn't as hungry as a Napoleonic soldier! The very thought of that food gagged me. Try fresh cooked grits and cheese!!

Posted by: Indigo at November 22, 2003 08:03 PM

If I hadnt suffered a extremely severe heart attack in early october, i would have tried out your recepie - too bad I cant eat any tasty food anymore.Darn!!!!!! Eat a big plate for me next weekend, will ya?
Sid ( eating oatmeal with no-fat soy meal)

Posted by: sid at November 23, 2003 03:25 PM

Funny you should mention that. It's about lunchtime right now, and I'm preparing to tuck into my elderly turkey sandwich... 10 day old Santa Fe Turkey, two week old deli swiss I brushed a little pennicillan off of, lubed up with some Hellmans that was left out in a cabin overnight on my recent fishing trip for Stripers out on the Chesapeake. (For the record - I landed 12 fish, kept a 24 and a 26 incher).

My theory is that what doesn't give me dysentary makes me stronger; and what gives me dysentary makes me thinner. So it's really a win-win situation for me.

Besides, I have a piercing pain in my stomach today from pigging out on a 10 pound pork shoulder (Carolina style, pulled w/t Eastern sauce & Carolina slaw) with a couple friends yesterday, and washing out the aftertaste with a half bottle of cask strength Wild Turkey Rare Breed. Nothing I could eat today would make me hurt worse.

FYI on the pork shoulder - 8 hours, smoker at 250 for four hours, cover it with foil at 4 hours, raise temp to 325 for four hours. It was very juicy, but not as tender as I'd like. Next time, I'm going to go 18 hours at 250 - 275. And yes, I'm smoking a 24 lb turkey for Thanksgiving. This pork shoulder was just a stomach-stretching warmup for turkey day.

Posted by: Blackavar at November 24, 2003 12:02 PM

Funny. I tried to see if you wanted to go on the January Striper trip to Hatteras, but the email I had for you is no more.

Posted by: Bigwig at November 24, 2003 12:52 PM

Thanks for the thought. Sorry 'bout the email address - I finally got rid of the Awful On Line account but I've been working such nasty hours that I haven't had a chance to scam a new free email. This weekend I should have a chance - Mrs. Blackavar is getting labor induced next week, and her extremely engorged state means that our nesting activities (which have eaten every spare moment for the last two months) are probably finished.

BTW, no problems from the Elderly Turkey Sandwich yesterday - though that piercing pain in my stomach got worse. Maybe the turkey didn't help. Or perhaps it was the mayo I left out overnight in a warm cabin.

Posted by: Blackavar at November 25, 2003 08:57 AM
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