Front page
Archive
Silflay Hraka?


Bigwig is a systems administrator at a public university
Hrairoo is the proprietor of a quality used bookstore
Kehaar is.
Woundwort is a professor of counseling at a private university

The Hraka RSS feed

Email
bigwig AT nc.rr.com

Friends of Hraka
InstaPundit
Daily Pundit
cut on the bias
Meryl Yourish
This Blog Is Full Of Crap
Winds of Change
A Small Victory
Silent Running
Dr. Weevil
Little Green Footballs
ColdFury
Oceanguy
Fragments from Floyd
VodkaPundit
Allah
The Feces Flinging Monkey
the skwib
Dean's World
Little Tiny Lies
The Redsugar Muse
Sperari
Natalie Solent
From the Mrs.
ErosBlog
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
On the Third Hand
Public Nuisance
Not a Fish
Rantburg
AMCGLTD
WeckUpToThees!
Electric Venom
Skippy, The Bush Kangaroo
Common Sense and Wonder
Neither Here Nor There
Wizbang!
Bogieblog
ObscuroRant
RocketJones
The Greatest Jeneration
Ravenwolf
Ipse Dixit
TarHeelPundit
Blog On the Run
blogatron
Redwood Dragon
Notables
Greeblie Blog
Have A Cuppa Tea
A Dog's Life
IMAO
Zonitics.com
Iberian Notes
Midwest Conservative Journal
A Voyage to Arcturus
HokiePundit
Trojan Horseshoes
In Context
dcthornton.blog
The People's Republic of Seabrook
Country Store
Blog Critics
Chicago Boyz
Hippy Hill News
Kyle Still Free Press
The Devil's Excrement
The Fat Guy
War Liberal
Assume the Position
Balloon Juice
Iron Pen In A Velvet Glove
IsraPundit
Freedom Lives
Where Worlds Collide
Knot by Numbers
How Appealing
South Knox Bubba
Heretical Ideas
The Kitchen Cabinet
Dustbury.com
tonecluster
Bo Cowgill
mtpolitics.net
Raving Atheist
The Short Strange Trip
Shark Blog
Hoplites
Jimspot
Ron Bailey's Weblog
Cornfield Commentary
Testify!
Northwest Notes
pseudorandom
The Blog from the Core
Ain'tNoBadDude
CroMagnon
The Talking Dog
WTF Is It Now??
Blue Streak
Smarter Harper's Index
nikita demosthenes
Bloviating Inanities
Sneakeasy's Joint
Ravenwood's Universe
The Eleven Day Empire
World Wide Rant
All American
Pdawwg
The Rant
The Johnny Bacardi Show
The Head Heeb
Viking Pundit
Mercurial
Oscar Jr. Was Here
Just Some Poor Schmuck
Katy & Bruce Loebrich
But How's The Coffee?
Roscoe Ellis
Foolsblog
Sasha Castel
Dodgeblogium
Susskins Central Dispatch
DoggerelPundit
Josh Heit
Attaboy
Aaron's Rantblog
MojoMark
As I was saying...
Blog O' Dob
Dr. Frank's Blogs Of War
Betsy's Page
A Knob for Brightness
Fresh Bilge
The Politburo Diktat
Drumwaster's rants
Curt's Page
The Razor
An Unsealed Room
The Legal Bean
Helloooo chapter two!
As I Was Saying...
SkeptiLog AGOG!
Tong family blog
Vox Beth
Velociblog
I was thinking
Judicious Asininity
This Woman's Work
Fragrant Lotus
DaGoddess
Single Southern Guy
Caerdroia
GrahamLester.Com
Jay Solo's Verbosity
TacJammer
Snooze Button Dreams
Horologium
You Big Mouth, You!
From the Inside looking Out
Night of the Lepus
No Watermelons Allowed
From The Inside Looking Out
Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics
Suburban Blight
Aimless
The SmarterCop
Dog of Flanders
From Behind the Wall of Sleep
Beaker's Corner
Bad State of Gruntledness
Who Tends The Fires
Granny Rant
Elegance Against Ignorance
Moxie.nu
Eccentricity
Say What?
Blown Fuse
Wait 'til Next Year
The Pryhills
The Whomping Willow
The National Debate
The Skeptician
Zach Everson
MonkeyWatch
Geekward Ho
Argghhh!!!
Life in New Orleans
Rotten Miracles
Fringe
The Biomes Blog
illinigirl
See What You Share
Truthprobe
Blog d’Elisson
Your Philosophy Sucks
Watauga Rambler
Socialized Medicine
Consternations
Verging on Pertinence
Read My Lips
ambivablog
Soccerdad
The Flannel Avenger
Butch Howard's WebLog
Castle Argghhh!
Andrew Hofer
kschlenker.com
Moron Abroad
White Pebble
Darn Floor
Wizblog
tweedler
Pajama Pundits
BabyTrollBlog
Cadmusings
Goddess Training 101
A & W
Medical Madhouse
Slowly Going Sane
The Oubliette
American Future
Right Side Redux
See The Donkey
Newbie Trucker
The Right Scale
Running Scared
Ramblings Journal
Focus On Reality
Wyatt's Torch

September 12, 2003

Bitter & Twisted

Beer of the Night. Champion beer of Scotland. Champion beer of Britain.

Official beer of ex-girlfriends everywhere, at least until someone slaps a dog label on a hopped up Pale Ale and markets it as "Bitter Bitch."

"Watch out for the Bitter Bitch. She's got a bite."

If I ever open a brewery, that's the second brew on the list. It would likely never get made, as the first beer on the list, a dunkel or dark lager, is one with a name so politically incorrect that I would be hounded out of town on a rail the minute I tried to sell it.

Big Mandingo

I have never seen Mandingo, nor read the book, and so have no idea if the actual content of either is as....heated as the poster implies. Had the downtown movie theatre in the little Southern town I grew up in not prominently displayed the poster for all the world to see for what seemed like a month, I would have presumably spent the rest of my life in blissful ignorance of Mandingo's existence. As it was, I think every kid in town could have described the poster down to the smallest detail weeks after it finally vanished from the marquee.

Obviously it made an impression on me. Years ago I made up a whole ad campaign for my mythical beer based on the tropes within that poster

Expect the savage. The sensual. The shocking.
Expect everything that the beer industry has never dared brew before.
Now, you are ready for Mandingo.

The television commercial writes itself. Remember the old Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull commercials, where some hapless sucker orders a "Bull", then looks around in astonishment as the other patrons scatter in anticipation of the animal itself crashing through the wall?

It's a lot like that.

FADE IN:

INT - BAR - NIGHT

Two girls in their 20's walk up the bar of a crowded nightclub. There is frenzied activity on the dance floor behind them. The girls are dressed in come-hitherwear, and are flushed in a manner that imples sexual readiness, obviously just having left the dance floor. FIRST GIRL motions to the bartender and orders, in a very southern accent.

FIRST GIRL
"Lawd, I sure could use me a Big Mandingo right about now."

The frenzied, frenetic night club atmosphere shuts down immediately. All is silent, all is still. All eyes are on the girls, who are startled by the sudden change of events.

CLOSEUP ON FULL BEER GLASS

In the distance, something massive hits the earth.

THOOM.

The beer in the glass ripples, exactly as the water puddles did in Jurassic Park when the tyrannosaurus made his first appearance.

With that sound the crowd in the background breaks into panic, running for the exit, cowering under tables.

THOOM.

The girls look around in confusion. Cut to the BARTENDER, totally unafraid, shaking his head at the pair in disgust as he wipes down a glass.

THOOM.

The last few crowd members make their escape just as the wall opposite the bare implodes. A cloud of dust swirls away, revealing SHAQUILLE O'NEAL. He's carrying a round beer tray, on which there stands an empty glass and a bottle of Big Mandingo. He carries it over the the girls, who lean back against the bar, staring at him with fear and fascination as he looms over them.

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL carefully places the tray on the bar beside FIRST GIRL, picks up the bottle, and pours her a glass.

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL
"Here you go, ma'am."

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL then turns and walks back towards the immense hole in the wall.

Cut to the BARTENDER, who shouts at the departing figure.

BARTENDER
"Hey, I gave you those keys for a reason!"

FADE TO LOGO

ANNOUNCER
Big Mandingo. Are you ready for it?"

Yes, yes. It's horrible. I'm a horrible person, with all sorts of toxic sludge clogging up my persona.

But I swear to you that commercial would sell beer.

The tagline needs to be improved, though.

-----------------

Okay, kind of got away from the subject there. Besides, I don't really have the time to plot out the other Mandingo commercials. Yes, sadly I have a entire series all pre-shot in my head.

The Bitter & Twisted is probably as close to the Platonic ideal of a pale ale as a beer can get. It's produced in the same brewery that produces Old Engine Oil, but where the OEO (Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh) is a complex symphony of a beer, the B&T is a few notes played well, combining fruity esters that evaporate like perfume off the tongue, with sweet malt notes and a hoppy trill.

It's a smooth beer, fairly uncarbonated as it is bottled with about a third less carbon dioxide than normal, something that is done in an attempt to make the poured result taste fresher and more natural. The relative lack of CO2 gives B&T a smallish rapidly disappearing head when poured. There's not much to speak of in the way of bubbles rising to the surface of the brew, either.

Fortunately, bubbles don't tend to be a major requirement for me when it comes to beer, though there is very little as aesthetically pleasing as a freshly poured Guiness, which has bubbles out the wazoo.

"Wazoo" is the technical brewing term for a mechanism governing the expulsion of gas bubbles, in case you were wondering.

Where to Buy

If you're in the UK, you're in luck. Bitter & Twisted is available via the Beers of Scotland site. If you're in the U.S. or Canada, you'll have to check the store shelves. None of the American Internet beer sites offer the B&T at the moment. I found mine at the Ken's Quickie Mart in Durham.

Posted by Bigwig at September 12, 2003 12:06 AM | TrackBack
Postscript:
First time visitor to House Hraka? Wondering if everything we produce could possibly be as brilliant/stupid/evil/pedantic/insipid/inspired as the post you just read? Check out the Hraka Essentials, the (mostly) reader-selected guide to Hraka's best posts, and decide for yourself.
Comments

The obvious tagline: Big Mandingo. Once you've tried it, you'll never go back.

Posted by: Kehaar at September 12, 2003 09:49 AM

Well, I'm sure Lucky Labrador could make such a "Bitter Bitch" beer, but I don't think they're going to.

Which reminds me of my favourite beer and women joke: "I like my women like I like my beer: Cold, pale, and bitter!"

Posted by: Sigivald at September 12, 2003 03:56 PM

Just curious, are you familiar with the Firkin Brewery in England?

Posted by: charles austin at December 22, 2004 04:41 PM

Hi Charles,

I am not, though there is a decent article on firkin beer in general here.

Posted by: Bigwig at December 22, 2004 04:57 PM
Post a comment Note: Comments with more than two dashes per line will be blocked as spam.









Remember personal info?