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August 27, 2003

Return of The New Perfect Manhood

Years ago, just as I was on the cusp of adolescence, a doting grandmother gave me a book on life and relationships. It was gift given with the full expectation that it would lead me down the primrose path to upright and moral citizenship. It was Dr. T.W. Shannon's The New Perfect Manhood, written in 1916.

It made me into the man I am today, and in the interest of creating more like me, I now share it with you.

Previous entries in the New Perfect Manhood.

Men's Social Nature
Why Do Young People Fail?
Social Privileges
A Mutual Understanding in Matters of Sex
Determining Virtue Before Marriage
The First Night of Marriage
Facts a Young Husband Should Know
Proof of Virginity after the Consummation of Marriage
Ovulation and Menstruation
Frequency of Sexual Relations

For Procreation Only

The lower animals indulge in sexual relations for procreation only, as do nearly all of the savage races.

Recreational sex, the foundation of a civilized society.

But it must be remembered that primitive man nearly all lived in polygamy.

And they were tottering ancients at 35. And don't you think it just a tad odd that "only for procreation" still meant that men got laid, at a minimum, twice as often as the women?

It is quite possible that the plan of God and nature is for the human race to be ultimately trained to this ideal.

For he is a cruel and vengeful God, and Mother Nature is a stone bitch.

The primary function of the sexual organs is the perpetuation of the species.

Are you saying I should stop using them to seal envelopes?

Continence, absolute continence, among animals and man is never in itself harmful.

Continence should never drift.

Man has reversed nature.

That explains the beeping.

He has made sexual pleasure the primary purpose for intercourse instead of procreation.

What about intercourse for the purpose of churning butter? How does that rank?

Now, I know what you're thinking, but before you pass judgment on a man, you must first taste his wife's flapjacks.

There is a growing number of good and intelligent people who advocate and practice continence in married life.

We call them grandparents. Even they think the idea of the two of them having sex is kind of icky.

Many who have tried it have failed to carry out their ideal.

Damn you stiff breeze and errant leaf! Damn you to HELL!

Others who have tried it have wrecked their health, not because marital continence is incompatible with health, but because they indulged in some form of incomplete and prolonged sexual gratification and called that marital continence.

Dearest Margaret, I feel I must inform you that this form of incomplete and prolonged sexual gratification that we call marital continence is the reason my scrotum is of an azure hue. The doctor says it could be fatal, so I beg you, my darling, please unclench yourself.

If marital continence is impossible and injurious to health, then the same must be true in the single life.

Agreed. But as a scientific man, surely you agree that such a hypothesis is best tested via a series of controlled experiments involving various married couples, single coeds and copious amounts of coconut oil?

A marriage ceremony can not change the fundamental laws of nature.

Tell that to the woman who just engaged herself to a fixer-upper, mister.

He who condemns continence in the married life as being impossible and injurious to health and insists that continence in single life is natural and healthy is neither scientific nor logical.

So let the wild humping commence!

It must be true, where a husband and wife are mutually agreed and each possesses self-control, that no harm can come from practicing continence.

But in case of accidents, they should both purchase a large quantity of sex diapers.

It should be understood that if this ideal is to be carried out in married life, the husband and wife cannot engage frequently in hugging, kissing, sitting and reclining in each other's laps.

Ah, the English marriage. Why didn't you say so?

There must be perfect control of the mind in relation to matters of sex and they must avoid such forms of physical contact as tending to excite passions.

Dearest Margaret, there is nothing I would love more than to hold your hair back whilst you purge yourself over the toilet, but I'm afraid it would give me a chubby.

Unless each possesses self-control and they are mutually agreed, it would not be wise for them to undertake marital continence.

This is what happened to Liza and David. Sad, really.

If the wife has this ideal and tries to force it on her husband, she will probably discover later that she has a rival for her husband's affections.

How? There wasn't an Internet back then.

If the husband has this ideal and tries to force it on his wife, he may have the same experience.

Edward, if you continue to force continence instead of yourself upon me, then I shall have no alternative but to take up with the dustman.

The training of girls and the fear of social ostracism among women is the reason why women are more nearly normal in their sexual control than men.

Did you hear about Mildred? She enjoyed the company of her husband twice in the past year, which is why I can no longer in good conscience invite her to tea.

After six thousand years of hereditary sexual degeneracy and well-nigh universal false training given to boys and men, we question the advisability of publicly teaching and urging all people to form and try to live up to this ideal.

Which is why I wrote a book about it instead.

Could it be carried out, the problems of marital excess, artificial and unnatural methods for preventing conception, and the horrible crime of feticide would be solved.

Leaving us with only the twin curses of Fetacide, repeatedly stabbing one's goat cheese pizza, and what Mace Windu did to Boba's father, Fetticide.

It is possible that this ideal will become the teaching of the future.

It is also possible that avian monkeys will spew forth in vast clouds from my buttocks. Why, I think I feel one now!

It's.....no...wait...it's.....it's....almost........... What the?

Well, whatever it is, it's not a monkey.

It doesn't fly real well, either.

Before it can be realized by any large portion of the race, parents must assume the responsibility of giving their children the information concerning their origin, their organs of reproduction, and the use and abuse of the same.

You may write your name in the snow in block letters only, Thomas. Cursive snow writing is the first step into the gaping maw of Hell.

That will lead to normal sexual development and self-control.

Nothing like "Never touch it, you dirty, dirty little child! Never! Never! Never!" to set a kid down the path to normal sexual development.

Then and only then will we be able as a race to arrive at maturity and marriage with perfect self-control.

I can make mine do a little dance. Is that what you mean?

Posted by Bigwig at August 27, 2003 09:01 AM | TrackBack
Postscript:
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Comments

"Could it be carried out, the problems of marital excess, artificial and unnatural methods for preventing conception, and the horrible crime of feticide would be solved.

Leaving us with only the twin curses of Fetacide, repeatedly stabbing one's goat cheese pizza, and what Mace Windu did to Boba's father, Fetticide.

It is possible that this ideal will become the teaching of the future.

It is also possible that avian monkeys will spew forth in vast clouds from my buttocks. Why, I think I feel one now!

It's.....no...wait...it's.....it's....almost........... What the?

Well, whatever it is, it's not a monkey.

It doesn't fly real well, either."

Righteously Funny !!!


Posted by: Alex at August 27, 2003 11:03 AM

I thought Obiwan took care of Boba Fett's daddy.

Posted by: Meryl Yourish at August 27, 2003 03:01 PM
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