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August 17, 2003

LungeTime At The Mall

The fencing walk takes concentration, but Ngnat was improving. Not only must one lead with one's arm extended in approved fencing style, elbow out from the body, arm parallel to the floor and wrist turned to the sky, but one's feet should resemble a reversed capital L, with the rear foot turned sideways, at an exact 90 degree angle to the fore foot.

To progress, the rear foot is brought forward, still at a ninety degree angle, until it makes contact with the one ahead. The fore foot is then brought forward. When it comes to rest, preferably by means of a snappy, popping stomp, the rear foot moves once again.

Properly done, it appears as if the force of movement from the rear foot knocks the other forwards. Curling of the rear arm behind the head is entirely optional. Continue until destination is gained.

I am a master at this particular perambulation, and others besides, having worked on the mechanics of abnormal movement throughout my middle school career, after deciding that my normal mode of walking needing a bit of brio. This, combined with an apparent need to ascertain the highest possible noise I could make without opening my mouth, made me the most popular lad at Goldsand Middle School--my classmates were always pointing me out to others in the hall.

I taught the Musketeer Movement to Ngnat one day at the mall when we needed her to move at something more than her typical slothful, window-gazing pace. Now she thinks it is how one is supposed to walk in the mall, and she gets awfully upset if I don't join in. Which I do. I'm already married, I've already passed on my genes. I don't have to worry what strangers think of me.

Once she gets this one down pat, I'll move her up to the Pendulum Processional.

So there we were, D'artagnaning our way down the upper level of the Streets at Southpointe under the somewhat bemused but mostly disgusted gaze of the Sainted Wife and Mother when we were set upon by a children's photographer, who practically lunged out of the photography store as we glided by.

"Wanna free picture? I'm new, wanna free picture?"

Ngnat did not want a free picture, and let the world know this the minute we ceased our peregrination, loudly and at length.

Scotty M. was much more accepting of the general idea, so I stayed with him while SW and Ngnat made for the returns desk at the Gap. The kid snapped several pics, then told us to come back in an hour to pick one.

Which we did. A connection must have been missed somewhere, for we weren't given even the ghost of a sales talk before leaving the store, pic in hand.

When the above was taken, I told the kid he could lose the teddy bear. We're not real fans of the prop photo school of thought, but he muttered something about having to use it or there'd be trouble. It gave me the impression that there was a torture room in the back where recalcitrant kiddie photogs were re-educated with red-hot lenses, so I let it slide.

Posted by Bigwig at August 17, 2003 09:54 PM | TrackBack
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(1) You tone "it" down while courting SW (SpW)?
(2) SW think that you'd grow out of it/be changed by her love/force of will/good example/etc?
(3) SW realize that all men are embarrassing in their own way and so she went for the one that would get the most sympathy?

Posted by: Andy Freeman at August 18, 2003 12:13 AM

1. No. Though I'd stopped making the noises by then. Also, many things will get a pass if one appears to be unaware of one's surroundings. After the teenages years, the middle school weirdo becomes a charming eccentric.

2. No. We knew each other before we started going out, so she'd witnessed the failure of a couple of those attempts.

3. Probably. Her biological clock was also ticking, so I think she just threw the dice.

Posted by: bigwig at August 18, 2003 12:31 AM

Cute pic. Baby's adorable!

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about the noises...everyone sees quirks differently. In fact, some people are attracted by them. Maybe she thought it was a mating call.

Posted by: Da Goddess at August 18, 2003 08:20 AM

Bigwig, you are having me coooo-ing at the picture!

Dammit! Scotty M (it IS Scotty M, yes?) is making me go all broody and nest-y!


Posted by: glovefox at August 18, 2003 11:44 AM

Both your kids are as cute as can be. This will make you forgive a lot of things until they molt into teenage form.

Posted by: meg at August 18, 2003 08:14 PM

There is a position in the Ministry for you, if you ever wish to take it up.

Larry, Ministry for Funny Walks.

Posted by: Larry Lurex at August 19, 2003 10:12 AM
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