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August 01, 2003

Warning: Severe Heresy Ahead

When it comes to diversity, there's nothing like paying white people to token up a crowd. Just ask the Caucasians of Shreveport, Louisiana, who are being offered five to ten dollars an hour to attend worship services at the predominately black Greenwood Acres Full Gospel Baptist Church.

As for other racial groups, they are presumably welcome to attend, but won't get cash on the barrelhead for doing so until at least August, and only then if the budget for the project isn't drained dry by voracious hordes of honkies willing to sell access to their eternal souls for little more than minimum wage.

In the near future of the Greenwood Acres Full Gospel Baptist Church, there will be a couple of Sundays where the church is packed to the gills with nervous, guilt-ridden white people sitting in someone else's regular pew and clapping a half second too early or late during the hymns. After that, attendance will slowly return to normal levels, with various Caucasoid street people sprinkled here and there throughout the church.

Which is great. Street people should attend church way more often, in my opinion. If they're in church, then they're not badgering me for beer money, littering the intersections with misspelled cardboard begging signs or perfuming the bathroom stalls at the local McDonalds with the results of their unbalanced diet. Some of them may even get saved and become productive members of society, though hopefully not to the degree that they feel compelled to come back out to the street corners and harangue the passers-by regarding their sinful ways.

Ideally, religious types and the unfortunate should be like other people's children; neither seen, heard, or smelt. If you doubt me, attend yourself a rural Southern Baptist church one Sunday; there's enough Walmart designer imposter in the air to stun a goat.

Come to think of it, Satan's cloven-hoofed. Maybe that's how they keep him away.

It is refreshing to see Jesus offering to reimburse me for my time rather than asking me to pay him for the privilege of visiting his house every Sunday, though. His default racial preferences may leave something to be desired in this color-blind age; why white people exactly? Asians are reportedly a lot more devout as a group, and probably cheaper to boot. Why else have all our textile jobs relocated across the Pacific?

You can't really blame J.C. though. He's always been a little slow on the uptake, probably the result of having three bodies, but only one mind with which to run them. Things are likely get a mite complicated now and then. After all, it's taken this fisher of men 2000 years to finally figure out that results might improve if he starts using bait.

Piss-poor bait, but bait nonetheless. If he wants access to the quality fish, he's needs to bump up the remuneration. $5 might be good enough to get a homeless, unbathed alcoholic mutterer into a pew on Sunday, but it's barely enough to get me out of bed even if I have to pee really badly.

If Jesus really wants me and mine to listen to his word, then he needs to offer at least.....say, $40 an hour for me and the missus. I'll give him a deal on the kids. Their minds are still plastic, still unformed, so Mr. Trinity has got a damn good chance at making them believers for life. Access to Ngnat and Scotty M. would be cheap at $100 an hour.

That's $100 an hour, each, or $280 for the total package. There is no wholesale rate, so don't try and jew me down, Jesus.

Think of it as an investment, A&O. Indoctrinate them thoroughly enough, and they'll probably tithe when they get older. You'll get your money back, not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy times seven.

Besides, I hear tell you love the little children. Do you love them enough to pay me for their time? It'll go in the college fund, I swear.

And cash only, or Paypal*. That way I can keep it off the books when the time comes to render unto Caeser.

*Religious types reading the above should consider the very strong possibility that God made you read this notice so that he could work his will through you, his representative on Earth. I've set up the site so that if this is so, then a PayPal button will magically appear over on the right. If you don't see it, then obviously that is not the case.

But if it does appear, ask yourself; What would Jesus do?

Posted by Bigwig at August 1, 2003 11:34 AM | TrackBack
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Posted by: Ted Phipps at August 1, 2003 12:20 PM

brilliant. :)

Posted by: tanya at August 1, 2003 01:19 PM

Why caucasians only? What about guys liek me who now feel discriminated against? I want BigWig and NPR to find me a Church, where they will pay me, a guy of Indian (from India) ethicity to attend and get to be put of the road to salvation. Man, I am bummed, the white guys get it all!!! :) :0
Where are Jesse and Al when I need them?

Posted by: Ronin at August 3, 2003 07:29 AM


Posted by: bigwig at August 3, 2003 10:48 PM

Excellent post there, sir. :)

Posted by: Pyromechanix at December 16, 2003 01:50 AM

Sorry to see your comments in this article. The church, which represents God, is courageous to have put their money where their mouths are. Would you be brave enough to do the same for a cause in which you believe? May Christ give you peace.

Posted by: LoverOfGod at April 11, 2005 03:39 AM

Once again, I would suggest that Jesus wants you to pay me to take my kids to church. Just hit the PayPal button over there on the right.

If you don't take responsibility for saving their souls, who will?

Posted by: Bigwig at April 11, 2005 10:03 AM
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