Front page
Silflay Hraka?

Bigwig is a systems administrator at a public university
Hrairoo is the proprietor of a quality used bookstore
Kehaar works at a regional newspaper
Woundwort is a professor of counseling at a private university

The Hraka RSS feed

bigwig AT

Friends of Hraka
Daily Pundit
cut on the bias
Meryl Yourish
This Blog Is Full Of Crap
Winds of Change
A Small Victory
Silent Running
Dr. Weevil
Little Green Footballs
Fragments from Floyd
The Feces Flinging Monkey
Dean's World
Little Tiny Lies
The Redsugar Muse
Natalie Solent
From the Mrs.
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
On the Third Hand
Public Nuisance
Not a Fish
Electric Venom
Skippy, The Bush Kangaroo
Common Sense and Wonder
Neither Here Nor There
The Greatest Jeneration
Ipse Dixit
Blog On the Run
Redwood Dragon
Greeblie Blog
Have A Cuppa Tea
A Dog's Life
Iberian Notes
Midwest Conservative Journal
A Voyage to Arcturus
Trojan Horseshoes
In Context
The People's Republic of Seabrook
Country Store
Blog Critics
Chicago Boyz
Hippy Hill News
Kyle Still Free Press
The Devil's Excrement
The Fat Guy
War Liberal
Assume the Position
Balloon Juice
Iron Pen In A Velvet Glove
Freedom Lives
Where Worlds Collide
Knot by Numbers
How Appealing
South Knox Bubba
Heretical Ideas
The Kitchen Cabinet
Bo Cowgill
Raving Atheist
The Short Strange Trip
Shark Blog
Ron Bailey's Weblog
Cornfield Commentary
Northwest Notes
The Blog from the Core
The Talking Dog
WTF Is It Now??
Blue Streak
Smarter Harper's Index
nikita demosthenes
Bloviating Inanities
Sneakeasy's Joint
Ravenwood's Universe
The Eleven Day Empire
World Wide Rant
All American
The Rant
The Johnny Bacardi Show
The Head Heeb
Viking Pundit
Oscar Jr. Was Here
Just Some Poor Schmuck
Katy & Bruce Loebrich
But How's The Coffee?
Roscoe Ellis
Sasha Castel
Susskins Central Dispatch
Josh Heit
Aaron's Rantblog
As I was saying...
Blog O' Dob
Dr. Frank's Blogs Of War
Betsy's Page
A Knob for Brightness
Fresh Bilge
The Politburo Diktat
Drumwaster's rants
Curt's Page
The Razor
An Unsealed Room
The Legal Bean
Helloooo chapter two!
As I Was Saying...
SkeptiLog AGOG!
Tong family blog
Vox Beth
I was thinking
Judicious Asininity
This Woman's Work
Fragrant Lotus
Single Southern Guy
Jay Solo's Verbosity
Snooze Button Dreams
You Big Mouth, You!
From the Inside looking Out
Night of the Lepus
No Watermelons Allowed
From The Inside Looking Out
Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics
Suburban Blight
The SmarterCop
Dog of Flanders
From Behind the Wall of Sleep
Beaker's Corner
Bad State of Gruntledness
Who Tends The Fires
Granny Rant
Elegance Against Ignorance
Say What?
Blown Fuse
Wait 'til Next Year
The Pryhills
The Whomping Willow
The National Debate
The Skeptician
Zach Everson
Geekward Ho
Life in New Orleans
Rotten Miracles
The Biomes Blog
See What You Share
Blog d’Elisson
Your Philosophy Sucks
Watauga Rambler
Socialized Medicine
Verging on Pertinence
Read My Lips
The Flannel Avenger
Butch Howard's WebLog
Castle Argghhh!
Andrew Hofer
Moron Abroad
White Pebble
Darn Floor
Pajama Pundits
Goddess Training 101
A & W
Medical Madhouse
Slowly Going Sane
The Oubliette
American Future
Right Side Redux
See The Donkey
Newbie Trucker
The Right Scale
Running Scared
Ramblings Journal
Focus On Reality
Wyatt's Torch

June 01, 2002

Annoying The Wife, Chapter Two

The Worm Farm

For years, we lived in a townhouse. All of the yardwork was taken care of by the neighborhood association, other than the few flowers along the patio that the wife planted each year. My gardening philosphy vis-a-vis the flower beds was simple. "Throw down birdseed, and whatever grows there is the garden." This led to curious looks from the neighbors, but I considered it a great success, in that after I threw down the birdseed, I was done gardening for the season. Unsurprisingly enough, this annoyed the wife, who much preferred impatiens to millet

Then we bought a house, with a yard. A massive yard, one that must be measured not in acres or hectares, but in Rhode Islands. This is of course a lie, but in comparison to the postage stamp of grass that we used to own, this is Pemberley.

We moved in, spent the night, and woke up the next day as the Jones's. Or I did, at least as far as the lawn was concerned. I had to have grass that grew faster, thicker and was of a more pleasing shade than that of my neighbors. My roses must be rosier, my azealas more zealous and my hydrangeas more...hydrangic. Come summer my tomatoes must be bigger, redder and above all earlier than those grown by the poor weak fools who live beside me. What is best in life? To outgrow your neighbors, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women. The only thing left to complete my transformation is to re-register as a Republican.

It's not just enough to fertilize, reseed and water constantly, or so I suppose. We've only been here 9 months, and turf wars are long haul affairs. You need a secret weapon, and one day, while ostensibly at work, I found one.....

Uncle Jim's Worm Farm. Properly fed and cared for, 1000 worms make another 1000 worms every couple of months, and each worm craps out his weight in fertilizer every day. Worm crap contains five times the nitrogen, seven times the phosphate, and eleven times the potash of the same amount of your regular topsoil. ELEVEN TIMES THE POTASH!!! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Look on my rye grass, ye mighty, and despair! Thanks to the glory of the Internet, I can order the worm farm kit in a matter of seconds.

At dinner that evening, I paint a glowing picture of our yard in the not too distant future, a verdant eden, lush with flowers and the fruits of the vine, where our toddler could amble through turf thick as molasses and soft as down.

"You spent 65 dollars buying worms off the internet?" Warm.

I admitted that yes, I had indeed spent 65 dollars buying worms off the internet, but that the consequent money saved in fertilizer would more than adequately...

"You spent 65 dollars buying worms off the internet!!" Getting warmer!

"Yes dear, but I'll have THREE TIMES the number of worms that I ordered by September. And the lawn will be the envy of the neighborhood!"

"Don't worms come to the surface when it rains?" Getting colder!

"Yes, that's a plus you see, because their burrows allow water to penetrate deeper into the ground, which promotes a much stronger root system than one would normally.."

"So, after it rains, our lawn will be covered in literally thousands of worms." Monotone. "That WILL be the envy of the neighborhood."

Posted by Bigwig at June 1, 2002 12:00 PM | TrackBack
First time visitor to House Hraka? Wondering if everything we produce could possibly be as brilliant/stupid/evil/pedantic/insipid/inspired as the post you just read? Check out the Hraka Essentials, the (mostly) reader-selected guide to Hraka's best posts, and decide for yourself.
Post a comment Note: Comments with more than two dashes per line will be blocked as spam.

Remember personal info?