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June 07, 2002

In the spirit of Celebrity

In the spirit of Celebrity Death Match, wouldn’t it be great if cartoon characters could fight each other to the death? I would much rather watch Betty Rubble and Jessica Rabbit get it on than to have to watch Tanya Harding beat the hell out of the woman who used to play Pinky Tuscadero. Imagine if cartoon canines could fight to the death. Snoopy would be the first to die because he would rather dance than fight (although he did shoot down the Red Baron, a grateful nation remembers). I wouldn’t mind partying with him, but I refuse to bet on him.

The next two contestants are too close to call. Even with his size, Marmaduke just doesn’t seem to have the killer instinct needed to win this type of match. While the ball eating idea is a bit disturbing, he doesn’t have his own set of rocks big enough to seal the deal. Also, the cartoon sucks so I can’t bring myself to pick him. Next is Scooby Doo, and while he appears to be about as smart as lint, he has a dirty little secret that makes him quite a formidable opponent. Let’s face it, Scooby is high as a kite and is most likely “kissing the sky” during all of his adventures, most of which may just be figments of his imagination. He downs those scooby snacks like M & M’s and most likely wouldn’t even feel it if Marmaduke did eat his gems.

However, I believe the winner of this match would be Clifford the Big Ass Dog. His size alone will cause him to win. Sure, he’s cuddly, but wouldn’t have to work hard with these opponents. He would simply step on Snoopy doing the happy dance, and Marmaduke would most likely be crushed by Clifford’s sack as he tried to eat it. Finally, Clifford would down Scooby like a Quaalude as Scooby danced with the Care Bears in loopy land. I wonder if Clifford would get high off of eating Scooby like people get drunk eating the fruit out of pj?

The possibilities are endless. Spiderman could fight Batman, Hong Kong Phooey could fight Underdog and Barney could finally get his punk ass kicked by Dino. I’m sure the show would be picked up by Fox and would get better ratings than When Barnyard Animals Attack…………….I smell an Emmy.

Posted by Woundwort at June 7, 2002 01:42 PM | TrackBack
Postscript:
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