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June 12, 2002

As Seen on TV, Part

As Seen on TV, Part One

Okay. I'm home sick from work today. Consequently, I'm exposed to television commercials that I wouldn't normally see. I've seen something that I want. Roll-a-hose. Not to be confused, of course, with Flat Hose or Just Plain Hos (adults only). It's based on firehose technology. It's not round and heavy like most garden hoses. It's flat and comes with it's own spool, for easy storage. If I call now, I get an extra 25 feet for free. I want one. I want one a lot.

So, I don't have a yard. Minor detail. I'll get a yard. A yard with it's own worm farm, with 11 times the potash of my neighbor's yard. I'll start looking today, buy a house with a nice little yard. Maybe I'll have a house-warming party and invite the just plain hos.

Ooooo...and then I can get a barn, so I'll have a place to keep my Roll-a-hose. We had a cookout this past weekend, and the hostess had a new barn. You could tell it was new because all the implements of yard destruction were in neat little rows. She gave little walking tours of her new barn, pointing out the neat little rows of yard implements and the lack of wasps nests and other forms of barn life. I coveted her barn. Is it wrong to covet your neighbor's barn? Says here that thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's tractor, but doesn't say anything about a barn.

After I find a little house with a little yard, I'll be able to buy all that other stuff that I see on TV that I covet. (I covet lots of stuff.) First there's the Ionic Breeze Quadra Air Purifier. How cool is that? And then there's the Ronco Rotisserie Oven. (Just set it and forget it!) Is it just me or does the food he makes just look so good? Makes me crave Boston Market. (Caution: Web site produces music which does NOT make me crave Boston Market. I HATE when Web sites include music or sounds. It makes me want to grab a hammer and bash the Web designers f*ing head in. Just because you CAN do something on a Web site doesn't mean you SHOULD do something on a Web site. F*cking morons. Amateurs including f*ing Quicktime files in their f*ing Web pages. G*dd*m f*ing Mac using losers. Yes, you lead a sad and lonely life. Wah! F*ing crybabies. NOBODY LOVES YOU! Get over it! Just like those f*ing losers at karaoke that want to sing those lonely-heart, heartbreak songs. I mean, you go out to karaoke to have a good time, live it up a little, and some Prozac swilling sad-sack f*ing loser @sshole that should be at home masturbating on his sofa wants to bring you down with "Every Rose Has It's Thorn". I just want to kick his f*ing teeth...

Sorry. Guess I got off on a little tangent there. File that under "Things that piss me off, parts one and two". So, where was I?)

Yep. Can't wait to get my own home. Maybe then I can sit around in the privacy of my own home watching Girls Gone Wild while I strip the hair from my shoulders with Nad's and get my laundry sparkling white with OxiClean. (Speaking of yummy looking food. Anybody ever want a peanut butter and Nad's sandwich? I bet it'd be bigger than the Fried Twinkie. (If any of you can figure out how to get into the "Recipe Box" on that site, let me know.))

K. I'm going to get lunch now. Later.

Posted by Kehaar at June 12, 2002 01:24 PM | TrackBack
Postscript:
First time visitor to House Hraka? Wondering if everything we produce could possibly be as brilliant/stupid/evil/pedantic/insipid/inspired as the post you just read? Check out the Hraka Essentials, the (mostly) reader-selected guide to Hraka's best posts, and decide for yourself.
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