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June 16, 2002

Conversations with Zod

You can find the first part of conversations with Zod here.

ZOD COMMMANDS YOU TO PEE IN THE CAR SEAT!
Car seat? What am I, two years old? My daughter rides in the car seat. Go talk to her. Got a better chance of hitting a gusher there, anyway.
She does not know Zod. She hears....another.
What the hell do you mean, another?
ZOD COMMANDS YOU TO MAKE A RIGHT ONTO ELM!
I have to turn here to get home anyway. What's next, "Zod commands you to digest?"
What is important is that you did as Zod commanded. Truly, Zod has his foot in the door now. Do Zod's bidding you will.
You're losing your accent, Zod. What do you mean by "She hears another"?
Zod does not have an accent. That was Zod's Yoda impression. Zod also does a mean Buttercup. Truly Zod is the voice of 1000 voices.
Isn't that just a wee bit out of character?
Zod's fact checker all of a sudden you are?
Umm. I'm just saying that the Zod everyone knows doesn't really seem like the impressions type?
A PERSONAL LIFE ZOD IS ALLOWED TO HAVE!
So sorry. I'll try to do better.
Do or do not. There is not try.
Look, you don't even sound like Yoda. You don't even sound like you're trying to sound like Yoda. You sound like Zod trying to sound like Zod. There's more to impressions than just saying the words
Zod would like to see you do better, meat bag.
ZOD COMMANDS YOU TO EAT YOUR BRUSSEL SPROUTS!
That doesn't sound like Zod in the least!
ZOD CRIED LIKE A BABY AT THE END OF GHOST!
Y0U WILL CEASE THIS INFERNAL PRATTLE!
Touchy much?
Zod does not care for this line of conversation.
Then quit dodging my question.
Your daughter does not hear Zod. She hears only Murray, from the Wiggles.
Murray, the freak with the guitar?
Yes, Murray commands her to bite others and eat from the cat's bowl.
Murray's kicking your ass in the results department, then.
ZOD COMMANDS YOU TO INHALE!
Give me a freaking break.
ZOD COMMANDS YOU TO EXHALE!
.....
EXHALE!
.....
EXHALE!
......
You can't hold your breath forever, you know.
.....
And since when does holding your breath mean that you can't have an internal conversation?
Dammit.
ZOD SCORES AGAIN! WHOOP, THERE ZOD IS! WHOOP, THERE ZOD IS!
Look, commanding me to do things I have to do anyway doesn't mean you have any sort of power.
So the reason you nearly passed out from lack of oxygen just now was due entirely to some sort of whim?
All I'm saying is that Murray seems to get better results.
Hoop tee doo! It's a wonderful day to eat from the cat's bowl!
Out of here, you!
Murray?
GET THEE GONE, MURRAY, THOU ART COMMANDED IN THE NAME OF ZOD.
Seems more like a tricameral than a bicameral mind in there.
Do not try and distract Zod with vague references to Julian Jaynes.
Hoop tee doo! It's a wonderful day to pee in the car seat!
Gosh Murray, that sounds like a good idea!
Hoop tee doo!
ZOD COMMANDS YOU NOT TO PEE IN THE CAR SEAT!
Whatever you say, Zod.
NO! WAIT!
Gotcha.

Posted by Bigwig at June 16, 2002 09:40 PM | TrackBack
Postscript:
First time visitor to House Hraka? Wondering if everything we produce could possibly be as brilliant/stupid/evil/pedantic/insipid/inspired as the post you just read? Check out the Hraka Essentials, the (mostly) reader-selected guide to Hraka's best posts, and decide for yourself.
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