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July 16, 2002

Boomerangs Athlete Gets Probation Look,

Boomerangs Athlete Gets Probation

Look, If she doesn't realize that what you say can come back to haunt you, what chance do the rest of us have?

"I can't afford to be right," said Miale-Gix, a lawyer. "This is a situation where it is more important for it to go away."

You're a lawyer and you can't afford to be right? Can you not afford your fee?

"There are new levels of acceptance after 9/11," State Trooper Roger Beaupre said at the time. "Those policies are in place for those on board."

"Hey, you! Hippie Boy! " Trooper Beaupre then yelled at a clerk of court. "You don't look like you're on board! Don't make me come over there and search you for nail clippers".

The crowd around the mighty trooper shifted uneasily. Surely hippie boy didn't have a nail clipper in the courthouse? You couldn't trust those long-haired types. Probably smoked dope before he came to work. He's a drug-crazed lunatic out to take hostages in the courthouse! The clerk goggled wildly at the menacing herd as they snorted, pawing at the faux marble floor tile. Trooper Beaupre smiled, a thin tight smile that didn't make it up to his eyes.

"He said Jehovah!" screamed Mrs. Gorilla, a British emigre with a fistful of gravel.

But before the crowd could charge, they were interrupted by another quote.

The new federal agency in charge of airline security prohibits sporting equipment such as pool cues, hockey sticks and ski poles in carry-on luggage.

Other banned sports equipment:

Tiddlywinks - Iraqi Secret agents have been know to blind a man at forty paces with a well-placed 'wink
Tennis Rackets - Just in case John McEnroe converts to Islam.
Ice-Skating boots - in case Tonya Harding does the same.
Chess Bishops - Pointy
Backgammon - Really just a heavier tiddlywink when you think about it
Foils, Epees and Sabres - We're thinking about allowing them after all, as most pilots really liked Raiders of the Lost Ark
Speedos - Arabs in Speedos can easily disarm pilots made helpless by laughter
20-sided dice - Because Mazes and Monsters was on USA the night before we wrote up the list
Mawashis - 87% of American pilots are terrified that someone will sneak up behind them and throw a dirty sumo thong over their head. 13% are really turned on by the thought, but let's face it, either way the plane is going down.
Surfboards - Got a pointy thing. Also tired of blonde boys trying to fit them in the overhead compartments.
Ping-Pong Paddles and Balls - My brother Brad hit me with a Ping-Pong ball once, and it really stung, and I started crying, and dad told me to suck it up and act like a man, and I cried even harder, and he said "I cannot believe you're such a damn pussy." in this really flat voice and went upstairs, so it's Brad's fault.
Crampons and Pitons - Also pointy. Besides, Crampons sound like a feminine hygiene product, and they've got the same pilot percentages as the mawashis.
Checkers - See Backgammon

Baseball bats and balls are allowed, because it's the American Game, and because them Islamofascists prolly swing like Jack. Unless it's whips, cause they got all that practice whipping firemen who try to rescue girls what ain't got them head things on but are on fire anyway. So whips is banned too. 2-irons is alright, cause only God can hit anythig with a 2-iron. Soccer balls are also ok, since we already know the Saudis can't kick straight.

Grammar in the previous paragraph brought to you courtesy of Brendan O'Neill.

Posted by Bigwig at July 16, 2002 07:46 PM | TrackBack
Postscript:
First time visitor to House Hraka? Wondering if everything we produce could possibly be as brilliant/stupid/evil/pedantic/insipid/inspired as the post you just read? Check out the Hraka Essentials, the (mostly) reader-selected guide to Hraka's best posts, and decide for yourself.
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