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July 24, 2002

Social Privileges

It just struck me though that in all likelihood, I've got a really odd sense of humor. I giggled all the way through this book. That's now, of course, not when I first read it. So if ya'll don't like it, well, I guess I'll beg for you to return after we get back from the beach. Of course, if it's a hit, then I've got something on the order of 1000 posts stored up.

More New Perfect Manhood

Social Privileges

Young people should have an abundance of safe and sane social rituals.

Preferably designed by their grandparents. Barrel hoop, anyone?

They should be faithful to their trusts and responsibilities.

Thrifty, brave, clean, reverent.

When an aspirant for office requests the voters of a town, city, county or state to support his candidacy for the office of treasurer, he is asking the voters to entrust the safe keeping of the public funds into his hands. The temptation to misuse these funds is so great that the law requires the successful candidate to furnish adequate bond.

Pity we don't require that of every aspirant. "Sure, you can be a Senator, but you have to put your entire personal fortune into a bond. At the end of your term, the voters will decide how much of it you get back."

When a young man is admitted to the privilege and honor of calling on a young woman in her parlor,

Spider. Fly.

taking her out walking or driving, to hear a lecture

Would you like to go hear a lecture, you naughty, naughty girl?

or to a place of entertainment, he assumes the responsibility of protecting the girl’s honor and virtue with which he is entrusted by her parents. His social privileges are limited to the absolute protection of the girl.

Stand absolutely still, Vivian. I saw a nipple spider go into your dress, and I owe it to your parents to go in after it.

For him to go beyond these limits would be a social crime against the girl and her parents—a far greater crime than for a treasurer to misappropriate the public funds.

Which of course is no crime at all.

Unengaged young people, under no conditions, should engage in hugging and kissing.

Ever. Parents should touch them only to discipline them, lest they learn of the wicked, wicked pleasure that is human contact.

Even in the engaged state these social relations are not necessary for expressing love between lovers and they are not essential to blissful courtship.

The ideal courtship is one in which the couple never meets. Indeed it is also the basis for a blissful marriage.

When young people are engaged, and the date of engagement is fixed and not far off, an occasional good-bye kiss could be safely exchanged without the ill effects of spooning.

No tongue! No tongue!

Long Engagements

Long engagements are seldom necessary and rarely advisable.

People in 1916 tended to explode from frustration, for one thing. In the 363rd day of a year's engagement, grooms were apt to go off at a touch.

A young man should not be in a hurry to choose a life companion.

We feed on his agony. Oh, it is delicious.

The first chance is rarely the best one.

Um, if she's not the best one, can I, you know?

He should not confine his attentions to one girl so long as he is not seriously in love. He should carefully study his young woman friends and their families.

Follow them home from a distance at night, ducking into shrubberies as necessary. Women love men with a furtive nature.

He should respect the rights of his children by choosing for them a good mother.

Unless they are already mothers. Then he should shun them in public and spoon with them in private. mmmmmmmmm.........spoon.

No young man should trifle with his affections or the affections of a girl.

A. Trifling with your affections makes you blind. B. Not unless you see a clitoris spider.

Every engagement should be followed by a marriage.

Even when she dies halfway through. You want to get laid or not, young man?

When once engaged, he should remember that there are privileges that are not his until the legal phase of marriage has completed their oneness. Any violation of chastity before marriage is a sin against society, weakens self-respect, causes a loss of confidence in each other,

leads to embarrassing stains on the ottoman,

and often leads to domestic inharmony and the divorce court.

Tommorrow in the unending saga of how my perversions came to be: A Mutual Understanding in Matters of Sex.

Posted by Bigwig at July 24, 2002 12:17 PM | TrackBack
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