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July 26, 2002

A Mutual Understanding in Matters of Sex

More of The New Perfect Manhood, unexpurgated because there was nothing to expurgate.

A Mutual Understanding in Matters of Sex

If you have one of these now, you won't after you're married.

We are often asked by young men: “To what extent may young people, who are engaged or who are contemplating marriage, talk over their future sex relations?”

These young men are serial masturbators, and are reported by us to the constabulary.

We have a natural modesty and nearly all of us have a superabundance of mock modesty.

Then explain the codpiece, Einstein.

The latter keeps one from understanding himself and his natural and safe social relations with his life companion, his children and society. Natural modesty should be studiously and conscientiously cultivated by children, youths, friends, lovers and all married people, from the cradle to the grave.

Hence the modern "modesty state" decried by Democrats nationwide.

True culture, genuine chastity and great character demand such cultivation. The principles of a single standard of morals, of personal and social purity as an element of character and social righteousness may be discussed freely by all intelligent young people.

Such a standard is widely discussed among the young intelligentsia of the modern age, albeit in code not accessible to the older generation. It is generally referred to as "warez.". "Phear my l33t skillz biznatch." should be understood as an endorsement of the Hegelian position that the Idea is one in all things; it is universal necessity and reality can be nothing but a mirror of the Idea. As such, there is single standard of morals that can be perceived via a close study of reality.

Only the most extreme mock modesty, idiotic prudery or a sense of personal guilt would taboo these subjects.

So, the in-depth discussion on the best way to light your farts is a go.

A discussion of the delicate and sacred sanctuaries of male and female reproduction or their functions, by young men and women, engaged or unengaged, involves natural modesty and sacred ethical rights.

We hold these rights to be self-evident, so we're not going to tell you what they are.

In such discussions by the engaged there are grave dangers of shocking natural modesty and invading personal ethical rights, by making these delicate subjects too common.

So, when she says "For the last time Edgar, I do not wish to further discuss the smearing of your man-seed upon my voluptuous globes of heaving passion!" it is best to take her at her word.

Such privileges do not belong to the unengaged, unless they are seriously contemplating an engagement.

Lie to get by, my man. Lie to get by.

What they may discuss

There are some vital matters about which engaged young people should have and mutual understanding.

The most important of these, and I cannot stress this enough, is your intended's position on the gift of oral pleasure.

The best time for them to discuss these matters would be when they first consider the question of an engagement. There is a natural interest on the part of each to know whether the other is physically normal so that he or she will be able to meet all the requirements of a life companion and of parenthood.

Candid photography is helpful here. Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.

It would be a splendid custom for each to present to the other a certificate from a reputable physician, giving assurance of health and normal conditions sexually. Until this becomes customary or a law,

In the Bush police state (pun not only intended but giggled over incessantly)

a young man should have the privilege of saying to his sweetheart: “So far as I know there is nothing connected to with my physical being that will interfere with my performing the functions of a husband and father.

I refuse to look down there, however, as this might sully my purity of spirit. Could you take a quick glance?

Are you aware of any hindrance of a physical nature which would interfere with you performing the corresponding functions of a wife and mother?”

This is an excellent time to introduce the muslim concept of "follow and swallow."

If there are difficulties,

Lie! Lie through your teeth! or Run! Run like the wind!

then there is reason for discussing them. If none, this subject should be considered settled. If a young woman knows that for some reason she is sterile, or that motherhood would be very unwise, she should not encourage love making by a gentleman friend.

Strangers in alleyways are an entirely different matter.

If a young man has reasonable grounds for believing that his sweetheart has a secret purpose to deliberately avoid all maternal responsibilities of married life,

such as "she is breathing."

he has a right to inform her that his ideal home is one consisting of a father and a mother and a reasonable number of children.

Reasonable being thirteen. Don't settle for one less.

She should state whether she is willing to aid him in building such an ideal home.

Surprisingly, many will not. These women are frigid.

The young man should assure his fiancée that he is not asking her to become his wife for selfish gratification;

Assure your intended that Giselle at Madam Tournay's takes care of that admirably thrice a week.

that it is his purpose to make her an intelligent husband

out of clay and a magic elixir handed down to him from his ancestors

and to develop and maintain a self-control that will protect her natural rights; and that he will respect her invitation in the consumation of marriage and all subsequent marital privileges.

cf Giselle

If either has forfeited virtue in the past, without its involving parenthood, and virtue has been restored by right living,

or in her case, surgery,

one is under no more obligation to make a confession than is the other.

Men should skip this entirely, as it always sounds like braggadocio, rather than lament.

In the event of such a misfortune in earlier life, we would advise lifetime secrecy.

Tell her you caught it from a public toilet seat. Remember, protect Giselle at all costs!

Where the fall has involved parenthood, a confession should be made.

More than one confession is again considered braggadocio.

Unmarried parenthood involves personal responsibilities to those who have been wronged that takes precedence over the new obligations to be assumed in a future marriage.

Unless you have money.

It is only a question of a few more years when every state will have a law providing that every unmarried mother must care for her own child, and that every child born out of wedlock must be legitimized by its father. The unmarried mother must be married to the father of her child, or she must become his honorably divorced wife, receiving a just alimony. If he refuses marriage, he will be required to give a heavy bond, as a guarantee to the state that he will meet his monthly obligations to his divorced wife and that he will support his child and make it his legal heir. The fact that we now have no such law does not relieve the guilty of one iota of his or her obligations.

It just makes them impossible to enforce.

Next: Determining Virtue before Marriage. No, it doesn't involve a team of sherpas and a speculum. I wish you people would stop asking about it. I'll get there, I'll get there!

Posted by Bigwig at July 26, 2002 11:31 AM | TrackBack
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