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July 31, 2002

The little black book of

The little black book of Superheroines

As BigWig notes, Meryl Yourish is rating Superhero dates. It got me thinking about which Superheroines I'm "drawn" too. (Get it? Drawn. Get it? They're cartoons. Get it? Hehe.) Here's my list of the top hotties of the comic world.

Marvel

She-Hulk. She's mean, she's green, and she'll kick your ass in a fight. But she reminds me a little bit of the Bride of Frankenstein. Still, she's kinda hot. 2 stars.

Sue Richards/The Invisible Woman. Used to be modeled on June Cleaver. Too straight laced and tends to put up barriers between herself and others and disappears when there's trouble. Sounds like she has some troubles with intimacy and communication. My advice: seek therapy to overcome these relationship killers. And she's married. But she's hot. 2 stars.

Ororo/Storm. You can say all of her relationships are fairly stormy and you should seek shelter when she loses her temper. Plus she's a little claustrophobic, indicating a need for her own personal space. Once again, not a good sign for a true intimate relationship. My personal opinion? She's steamy. 4 stars.

Jean Grey/Phoenix. Yowsa. I loooove me some redheads. She's telepathic? Great. She can read my mind? Good. She'll know what I like. Telepathy is a great communication tool and lends itself to close relationships. I wonder what good telekinesis might be? "Honey, can you get me a beer? The remote? HEY! That feels niiice." The ultimate Marvel hottie. We won't mention the little episode about Dark Phoenix. Turns out it wasn't her after all. 4 stars.

Electra. She's a bad girl who likes to play with knives. I think you could date her as long as you didn't have a bad breakup. If you had a really bad breakup, she seems like the type that would trash your apartment in revenge. Oh, or kill you. No thanks.

But she's hot. 2 stars. :)

Black Cat. I used to have the biggest crush on her when I was a younger man. She was bad. She was good. She was...nicely drawn. Had a thing for Spiderman, who I always felt was a little whiny. Oh...and she was into whips. You got a problem with that? Me neither. 4 stars.

The Scarlet Witch. Can I get a hell yeah?! 4 stars.

Rogue. Another woman with relationship issues. No touching? Are you kidding? I can't touch her and she's got a body like that? And that cute Cajun accent? I couldn't do it. I'd burst. Sorry, Rogue. No stars.

Psylocke. Another telepath. Another hottie. But no Jean Grey. 3 stars. Wait...wasn't she British? 'Cause I love a British accent on a woman. If she is...4 stars.

The White Queen. She runs around in a corset, which is a huge plus in my book, but I'm guessing she's a control freak and doesn't play well with others. Plus, she's totally evil. I suspect she has latent homosexual tendancies. I'm not sure if that's a plus in my book or not. Let's give her 2 stars just to play it safe.

Who am I leaving out? Kitty from X-men? Too ephemeral, but wears tight pants. I must be getting old, because she seems a little young for me. 2 stars. Ilyana Rasputin/Magik or whatever her name was? Um...may be the anti-Christ, the child of Satan and her bottom half is that of a goat. Um, no. No stars for you. Polaris? Never a real star in the Marvel world. Has green hair, which is a little too Goth for me. Probably at least as handy as Phoenix at fetching Beers from the fridge with her powers over magnetism. 3 stars. I have to admit that I haven't read comics lately, so I don't know if there are any good new heroines/villanesses out there in the Marvel world.

DC Comics

Wonder Woman comes to mind first, of course. Where to begin. Okay...she comes from an Island where there are no men allowed. Can you say Lesbian tendancies? Sure you can. But she dated Superman, so she can't be totally homosexual. She also has a thing about tying people up and making them tell the truth. Fine. But she dated Superman. I can only imagine the performance anxiety issues that might cause. A decidedly mixed bag. But she's Wonder Woman. Linda Carter as Wonder Woman was my first crush. 3 stars.

Supergirl/woman. Which is it already? Has she moved beyond that childish Supergirl phase into Superwomanhood? If she has and is ready for an adult relationship, then I'll think about asking her out. But not before that. I swear. She may be stronger than me, but I know her weakness. It might work. 3 stars. I'm such a liar. Supergirl is hot. 4 stars.

Batgirl. Long red hair. Tight black clothes. Lots of miniture toys in her belt. And she's a LIBRARIAN. (Swoon.) Okay, you talked me into it. 4 stars.

Catwoman. Long red hair. Tight black clothes. Purrs when she's happy. She's oh so bad, but oh so good. We'll over look her tendancy to pilfer small objects from around the house. 4 stars.

Poison Ivy. Long red hair. Fig Leaf clothing. She's hypnotic, but her kiss is deadly. Sorry PI. No deadly kissing for me, even though you're blazing. No stars.

Harlequin. Cute as a button, but is in love with a homocidal clown. Women like that always tend to be sucked into abusive relationships because of a lack of self-confidence. Sure, women in abusive relationships are victims, but at some point you have to be brave enough to stop being a victim and leave. I know that there are plenty of guys out there that will disagree with me, but I'm only giving her 2 stars.

Random Comic Women

I don't know who publishes these:

Lady Death. Wears next to nothing and is absolutely stunning. But that nickname gives me pause. "What did you say your name was? Lady what? Lady Death? As in Lady "No-Longer-Living" Death? Um...nice to meet you, but I think I left the oven on. See ya!" Maybe a one night stand though? Oh so tempting. 2 stars.

Vampirella. See Lady Death above. "And you're a vampire!? I bet you lead an interesting life. I always say to my girlfriends you know, Vampires are such iiinnteresting people. By the way, do you like Italian food? I loove Italian food. Especially garlic bread. Loove me some garlic bread." 2 stars.

Omaha: Cat Dancer. She has all the right moves...but she's a cat. But she's a cartoon cat. Bet she still vomits hairballs all over the house. Can't see it. No stars. Okay...maybe just ONE star. But that don't mean I like animals. Perverts.

Note to Meryl

The Human Torch? Sorry, sweetheart, but you don't stand a chance. "FLAME ON! Oh dear, those shoes don't match that outfit AT ALL!"

Update: Apparently Meryl has more notes on Superhero dating today.

Posted by Kehaar at July 31, 2002 11:06 PM | TrackBack
Postscript:
First time visitor to House Hraka? Wondering if everything we produce could possibly be as brilliant/stupid/evil/pedantic/insipid/inspired as the post you just read? Check out the Hraka Essentials, the (mostly) reader-selected guide to Hraka's best posts, and decide for yourself.
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