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August 01, 2002

The First Night of Marriage

More readings from the New Perfect Manhood

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

Part 6: The First Night of Marriage

waka chika waka chika, waka chika waka chika

The first sexual intercourse in marriage is called the consumation of marriage.

It's called consumation because you're supposed to eat her. No, no! Not like that, dumbass. Put the fork down!

The Greeks had a custom or law that marriage

Yes, those famous Greek marriages "A woman, her man, and his boy."

should not be consumated before the third night of marriage.

Make her beg for it.

Such a custom taught to men today would contribute much to the happiness of marriage and rob the divorce mills of many victims.

How, exactly? Were three day hard-ons considered a source of happiness? Did young men boast to their chums about them? "Yep, Clem, I ain't been able to pee for nigh on 64 hours now, and I've never been happier!"

In the past the only source of information open to a young man has been that of vicious and ignorant men.

Known to all and sundry by the damning sobriquet of "Father."

The information received from such sources is always misinformation and leads to serious mistakes.

"No! Not there either, William! For the last time, it's not anywhere near my elbow!"

The young man who has been so unfortunate as to have visited fallen women, accustomed to accommodating all classes of men,

He's visited fallen women and can accomodate all classes of men? No trouble getting a date on Saturday night, then.

has no intelligent knowledge of what it means to bring a virgin to the nuptial couch;

Couch? There's your first problem, right there. What's wrong with back of the nuptial limo? Oh, right. Three day waiting period. Like guns. God forbid you should have sex in the heat of passion. Might lead to pleasure, and pleasure leads questioning authority, and questioning authority leads to soixante-neuf on the sidewalks in broad daylight. I know. Horses everywhere fear me.

And a nuptial couch is kind of a specialized piece of furniture, isn't it? What do you do with it afterwards? Put it in the den and point it out to the houseguests? "And there, Mrs. Griffin, is where Johnathan made me a woman. If you look closely you can still see the stain."

Now, where were we? Oh. Make sure you seduce a virgin or two before you get married. After all, it's for your future wife's benefit.

neither has the young man who has been so fortunate as to have kept his virtue.

Yes, nearly all male virgins think of themselves as fortunate. As schoolboys, we used to pity to poor souls among us who had already been laid.

One is about as likely to make a serious mistake as the other.

"Not the knee either, William!"

You have heard or read more than once of some woman committing suicide the day after marriage,

Do you think it might be because you told her husband not to sleep with her?

or refusing to live with her husband and suing for divorce at the first court. You wondered at this. Well, there is a reason.

But first, an anecdote!

Only recently, while we were conducting a city-wide educational campaign, an estimable lady

She gave out estimates? Based on what? Size? Duration? Number in the group?

called us up over the ‘phone,

We are down with the street talk, Holmes. You got the 'cred, no d-bout about it

requesting an interview at the hotel parlor. The privilege was granted.

"You may kiss my ring, petitioner."

This was her story:

"Call me Ishmael..."

“I understand that you are to give your second lecture to men Sunday at the Armory.

Apparently the first lecture didn't take.

I hope to have my son-in-law there to hear you.

Because I'm an interfering old bat.

I want you to tell the men what men ought to know before they are married.

"Don't eat crackers in bed, put your own damn socks in the laundry, and 'Not tonight, dear' does not have a ten minute expiration date."

Our daughter has been married only fifteen days.

One for each year of her life.

She has just confided to me that she has not retired with her husband since the first night.

"Momma, he was nothing like Mr. Darcy! Or Heathcliff!"

Such was his treatment of her that since then she has cried herself to sleep each night in a rocking chair.”

"He insisted that I unclothe!"

At the close of a lecture to mature young college men

Oxymoron alert!

on what they should know before marriage,

What, controlling your bride through withholding sex? Aren't you kinda playing on the other side's turf, here?

one of the professors sought an interview with me.

Yes, yes, we realize you're popular.

He said “I wish that I could have heard your lecture before I was married. My education in these practical social matters was wholly neglected. Due alone to my ignorance, I lost the respect and love of my wife the first night after marriage;

Damn you, pink bunny outfit! Damn you to hell!

and, while we are living together and will continue to do so,

Misery. Company.

I have not be able to regain what I lost that night.”

You can't unscrew your virginity, mister

Where the first night of marriage is spent in the home of the bride, she is the first one to retire.

This gives her father time to get liquored up and talk about his "little girl", in a low monotone, all the while staring directly at you with his cold, cold eyes.

Later the bridegroom is conducted to her room.

By a nervous, fidgety mother, who keeps casting long, worried looks down the hall towards her husband, who is cleaning his toenails with the largest knife you have ever seen!

Before retiring he should assure her that he is a gentleman, and that he will treat her as a sweetheart, making no sexual demands of her that night.

Or ever, as long as HE is alive.

Where the first night is spent at a hotel or on the train,

Check the bar car. He's probably in there. If he's not there, check the other sleeping compartments several times an hour throughout the night. Your bride will appreciate your caution and consideration.

the bridegroom should excuse himself while the bride retires.

Check the bar car again, and give the luggage in the baggage compartment a good poking.

On returning to her, before he retires, he should give her the assurances mentioned above. The exercise of self-control, the courtesies and attentions of a true gentleman, and the expressions of ardent love

Such as the mystery object that keeps poking her in the thigh. "As God is my witness, Vivian, I haven't the slightest. Perhaps if you were move your leg rapidly about, it might go away."

will intensify the respect and deepen the love of the young wife for her husband a hundred fold.

Or confuse the hell out of her. Either way, you now have the upper hand. Get the dog collar and riding boots.

Next: Facts a Young Husband Should Know Aside from the crackers, the socks, and the ten minute thing.

Posted by Bigwig at August 1, 2002 04:10 PM | TrackBack
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Posted by: fahim at September 8, 2003 09:01 AM

i love sex

Posted by: nida at May 17, 2004 09:38 AM

i want to enlarge my penis.please tell me some exercises

Posted by: nida at August 1, 2005 01:21 AM
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