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August 16, 2002

Proof of Virginity after the Consummation of Marriage

What the possessor of The New Perfect Manhood should know the morning after he finally becomes one.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7

Part 8 - Proof of Virginity after the Consummation of Marriage

If there's still some proof of virginity, you've been drilling the wrong well, son.

The discovery of blood on the bed clothes, following the consummation of marriage, is a positive proof that the wife was a virgin.

Blood on the kitchen table is a positive proof the the groom could not wait one more blasted second.

The absence of all signs of blood is not to be considered as conclusive proof that the wife was not a virgin.

It's pretty good proof that you're a little lacking in the package department, though. It'll be the first thing she tells her mother and her sister and all her female relations. And they in turn will tell their husbands. Strangers will point you out on the street. "Raisin!" they will call you. Can you feel her eyes upon you, Gerald? Do you see the glint of amusement and pity in them? Do you see the way they linger on the gardener, on his fine strong back, on the...armadillo in his trousers? I told you not to pleasure yourself, Gerald, but I never told you why. It doesn't make you blind, it makes you....shrink. Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!

The hymen is so near the external orifice of the vagina that at any time in life a girl might accidentally sit or drop down on a pointed object so as to break the hymen.

This is known as "Bobbing for Bananas"

Small girls occasionally break the hymen by ignorantly and innocently playing with themselves or with each other.

"I don't know what it is, Dorothy, but you won't believe how high I can make a dime bounce off of it."

In a few cases the opening in the hymen is naturally large enough to permit of intercourse without breaking.

You feel better now, little man?

Though carelessness on the part of parents or guardians and ignorance on the part of small girls and boys, children eight, ten and twelve years old sometimes engage in sexual relations.

"Dammit, Helen, they're at it again. Mildred, Charles, if I see you doing that with the buggy whip one more time, you'll never play with the Catholic kids again, so help me God.

In such cases the hymens of small girls are broken.

It's all fun and games until someone gets their hymen put out.

Occasionally girls under fourteen, who do not know the name of the act, to say nothing of what in it involves, permit young men to have sexual relations with them.

This is prevented by instructing your female children in the names of the act from a very small age. Among them are Exciting the Irish, Riding with Mr. Roosevelt, Fannie and the Frenchman, Conjugal Communion, Bibbity Bobbity Boner, Storming The Trenches, Phallus and Athena, Poon Spoon, Adam and Eve and PinchMeTit, Damming the River Menses, Prince Albert in Your Can and Making Pudenda Pudding. Have her repeat them to your minister. He will always know of five or six others that may be added to the list.

If it is not continued beyond the fourteenth year, in the eyes of civil law, the offense does not constitute a loss of virginity.

That gives you two years of fun in most of America, and four in Kentucky and Tennessee.

Prudish mothers who keep their girls ignorant concerning their reproductive organs and their social dangers are infinitely more guilty of crime than their daughters are.

So when your uterus uses the wrong fork during the cheese course, you'll know who to blame.

Coming Soon: Ovulation and Menstruation, and Why the Woman Has the Right to Set the Date of Marriage

Posted by Bigwig at August 16, 2002 11:15 PM | TrackBack
Postscript:
First time visitor to House Hraka? Wondering if everything we produce could possibly be as brilliant/stupid/evil/pedantic/insipid/inspired as the post you just read? Check out the Hraka Essentials, the (mostly) reader-selected guide to Hraka's best posts, and decide for yourself.
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