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August 17, 2002

Us Air Force Academy Officers

Us Air Force Academy Officers Suspended For Performing Monty Python Sketch

HUMPHREY: I do wish you'd listen, Wymer. It's perfectly simple. If you're not getting your hair cut, you don't have to move your brother's clothes down to the lower peg. You simply collect his note before lunch, after you've done your scripture prep, when you've written your letter home, before rest, move your own clothes onto the lower peg, greet the visitors, and report to Mr. Viney that you've had your chit signed. Now, sex. Sex, sex, sex. Where were we? [sniff] Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina? [sniff]
PUPILS: Umm. Mmmm.
BIGGS: Nnnno, sir.
WATSON: No, sir.
BIGGS: No, sir.
HUMPHREY: Well, had I done foreplay?
PUPILS: Mmmm. Yeah. Yeah...
BIGGS: Yes, sir.
WATSON: Yes, sir.
HUMPHREY: Ahh, well, as we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is,... Biggs.
BIGGS: Uhm-- Don't know. Sorry, sir.
CARTER: Ah. Uhh, was it taking your clothes off, sir?
HUMPHREY: Well, and-- and after that?
WYMER: Ooh. Putting them on the lower peg, sir?
PUPILS: [chuckling]
HUMPHREY: The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate, so that the penis can penetrate more easily.
WATSON: Could we have a window open, please, sir?
HUMPHREY: Yes. Harris, will you? And, of course, to cause the man's penis to erect and har... den! [sniff] Now, did I do vaginal juices last week? Oh, do pay attention, Wadsworth! I know it's Friday after-- Oh, watching the football, are you boy? Right! Move over there. I'm warning you! I may decide to set an exam this term.
WATSON: Oh, sir.
BIGGS: Oh, sir.
PUPILS: Oh, sir...
HUMPHREY: So, just listen. Now, did I or did I not... do... vaginal...juices?
PUPILS: Mmm. Mmm. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
HUMPHREY: Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.
WATSON: R-- rubbing the clitoris, sir?
HUMPHREY: What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.
WYMER: Suck the nipple, sir?
HUMPHREY: Good! Good. Well done, Wymer.
DUCKWORTH: Uh, stroking the thighs, sir.
HUMPHREY: Yes. Yes, I suppose so. Hmm?
PUPIL IN FRONT: Oh, sir. Biting the neck.
HUMPHREY: Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.
WATSON: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
HUMPHREY: Now, all these forms of stimulation can now take place,...
[clunk clunk]
[clunk clunk]
[clunk clunk]
...and, of course, tongueing will give you the best idea of how the juices are coming along. Helen! Now, penetration and coitus-- That is to say, intercourse up to, and including, orgasm. Ah, hello, dear. Do stand up when my wife enters the room, Carter!
CARTER: Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.
HELEN WILLIAMS: Humphrey, I hope you don't mind, but I told the Garfields we would dine with them tonight.
HUMPHREY: Yes. Yes, well, I suppose we must.
HELEN: And I said we'd be there by eight.
HUMPHREY: Well, at least it'll give me a reason to wind up the staff meeting.
HELEN: Well, I know you don't like them, but I couldn't make another excuse.
HUMPHREY: Well, it's just that I felt n-- Wymer! This is for your benefit. Would you kindly wake up? I've no intention of going through this all again.
WYMER: Ahhh.
HUMPHREY: Uhh, we'll take the foreplay as read, if you don't mind, dear.
HELEN: No, of course not, Humphrey.
HUMPHREY: So, the man starts by entering-- or mounting-- his good lady wife in the standard way. Uh, the penis is now, as you will observe, more or less, fully erect. There we are. Ah, that's better. Now,-- Carter.
CARTER: Yes, sir?
HUMPHREY: What is it?
CARTER: It's an ocarina, sir.
HUMPHREY: Bring it up here. The man now starts making thrusting movements with his pelvic area, moving the penis up and down inside the vagina, so--Put it there, boy. Put it there on the table.
While the wife maximizes her clitoral stimulation by the shaft of the penis by pushing forward,-- Thank you, dear. Now, as sexual...
BIGGS: [chuckling]
HUMPHREY: ...excitement mounts, uh,-- What's funny, Biggs?
BIGGS: Uh,-- Oh, nothing, sir.
HUMPHREY: Oh, do please share your little joke with the rest of us. I mean, obviously something frightfully funny's going on.
PUPIL: [chuckle]
BIGGS: No. Honestly, sir.
HUMPHREY: Well, as it's so funny, I think you'd better be selected to play for the boys' team in the rugby match against the masters this afternoon!
[morbid music]
BIGGS: Oh, no, sir.

Get your Monty Python Scripts here.

Posted by Bigwig at August 17, 2002 03:54 PM | TrackBack
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