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August 23, 2002

Bringing Balance To The Board


Georgia School Board Requires Balance of Evolution and Bible

Board members said they were not restricting the teaching of evolution or encouraging the teaching of creationism. The policy, they said, was simply a reflection of the district's philosophy of teaching a wide and objective range of ideas, particularly in discussing "disputed views of academic subjects, including the origin of species."

The board's decision raised hackles among the scientific literati, and brought pleased smiles to the Christian faces that domninated the room, smiles quickly erased by the joyous ululating cries of Jean-Claude and Marie-Michelle Balan-Gaubert, recent arrivals in Marietta from their hometown of New Orleans.

"Atibo Legba, open the gates for me Papa Legba, open the gates so that I might enter when I will go!" shouted Jean-Claude, as he spun dervish-like among the folding chairs and horrified Baptists of the Cobb County courthouse, a white rooster in one hand, and a gleaming knife in the other. "I will salute the loas Vodun Lega, open the gates for me, When I will go in, I will thank the loas!"

As Jean Claude Claude beheaded the chicken and poured the steaming blood over his head, Marie-Michelle explained their happy reaction.

"Too long have we been in this world of your science, which belittles our beliefs and causes my babies to doubt the ancient traditions. Now when they speak of evolution they must also speak of the serpent Damballah, whose coils created the stars and the land from the firmament, who shed his skin to create the waters, who loved the rainbow Aida-Wedo with his mighty serpent's cock and made her his wife."

"Damballah desires champagne!" interjects her spittle-flecked husband, shrieking as if being whipped. "Papa Legba rides me hard tonight, he is so happeeeeeee!"

The new equivalency given to religious creation theories has excited niche religions everywhere and birthed plans to relocate to Georgia in some of their members. At last count, Wiccans, Druids, and worshippers of both Astarte and Mithras we planning on coming to Cobb county to take advantage of the new policy. Satanists have also gathered to discuss their reaction to the school board's ruling.

"We claim that the earth and all upon it were shat out of the pustulent rectum of Yog Soggoth." says Aleister Crowley V, titular head of the The American Satanist Church and Motorcycle Club. "Truly, we feel that being able to demonstrate this process in front of a class of teenage males can only help our membership drive."

Posted by Bigwig at August 23, 2002 10:55 AM | TrackBack
Postscript:
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