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August 28, 2002

Somewhere in Afghanistan

Ahmed: What's he saying? What's he saying?
Shamir: Quiet, ass hair of a pig! You're breaking my concentration! B-U-R-Y-
Ahmed: Bury? Bury what?
Shamir: I can go no faster, mouth of a thousand flies! The Sheik moves the pointer as he desires, not as we do. U-R-S-E-LV-E-S.
Ahmed: Bury Urselves? That's doesn't make any sense!
Shamir: You missed the the Y and the O because of your constant chattering. If I wanted to hear flighty nonsense from the mouths of idiots, I would go home to the wives.
Ahmed: Then let me talk to Osama. It's boring as hell in this cave. I've already read the Penthouse about a dozen times, and the goat hasn't stopped bleeding yet.
Shamir: By Allah's sword, you do not have the sensitivity necessary to stay in touch with the Spirit World! Do you not recall your last attempt? Tell me, what exactly does "UPI SHIUD STR GIVLRF ,SU S;;SJ JSBR ,RTVU PM UPIT DPI;" mean?
Ahmed: It's in code, I'm sure of it! I just haven't figured it out yet!
Shamir: It's a communication from beyond, dumbass. You think Osama encoded it because the Americans can listen in? Omar, are you writing the letters down while dipshit here is distracting me?
Omar: Of a certainty, husoor.
Ahmed: Fine. Why does the beloved leader speak to us in the language of the enemy, since you know everything?
Shamir: ...........
Omar: Truly, they do not make Ouija boards written in Pashto.
Ahmed: I am so tired of using American technology for every little thing. You would think at least that we would have invented the nose hair trimmer.
Shamir: Can you not go a day without mentioning your nose hair? Every bloody day, praise Allah, I have to hear that annoying "ahhhhhhhhhhhhh" sound you make while that thing is shoved halfway to your sinuses. And you never empty it outside! I could make a pillow big enough to seat 5 houris out of the leavings in here.
Ahmed: I cannot help it. It is the mountain air, it promotes growth
Shamir: You should have hair down to your ass like a woman then
Ahmed: Like your wives' perhaps?
Shamir: It was not Nasrallah's fault that her burka had lice! There was nothing to do but shave her...
Omar: The message is complete!
Ahmed: What'd he say? What'd he say?
Shamir: Shut up you. Give the man a chance.
Omar: "Bury yourselves outside the American encampment at midnight. Leave all weapons behind. Just before dawn, emerge from the ground and charge the camp. The sentries will be asleep at their posts."
Ahmed: What, like they were the last three times?
Shamir: Who are you to question the words of our beloved leader?
Omar: "Take their weapons and kill them all."
Ahmed: Look, all I'm saying is that we've lost a bunch of jihadis since that thing started giving us orders.
Shamir: I tried telling you this before. Osama sees the big picture. All you see is the little picture. He does strategy. You do tactics. He sits at the right hand of Allah. You sit on a rock in a cave. Are you questioning Allah?
Ahmed: Truly, I am not. I am but a worm to Allah.
Shamir: Then let us proceed. Omar, was there anymore to the message?
Omar: Nothing important, Shaheed
Shamir: Fine. Then let us depart. I bid you farewell.


Later:

Osama: Guys? Hello? Hello! Where did everyone go? I left a band five hundred strong here six months ago.
Ayman: They left a note, great leader. I cannot read it.
Osama: It says "Bury yourselves outside the American encampment at midnight. Leave all weapons behind. Just before dawn, emerge from the ground and charge the camp. The sentries will be asleep at their posts. Take their weapons and kill them all." What kind of a dumbass plan is that?
Ayman: I bet that damn Ahmed thought it up. that boy always was a beer short of a six-pack.
Osama: There's more. "Let's roll!" How odd. Truly, this is a mystery.
Ayman: ALLAH'S MERCIES!
Osama: What? What?
Ayman: That piece of pointed wood, it moves!
Osama: H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A............
Ayman: Let us leave this place, it frightens me.
Osama: All right......Have someone bring the Ouija board.

Posted by Bigwig at August 28, 2002 03:00 PM | TrackBack
Postscript:
First time visitor to House Hraka? Wondering if everything we produce could possibly be as brilliant/stupid/evil/pedantic/insipid/inspired as the post you just read? Check out the Hraka Essentials, the (mostly) reader-selected guide to Hraka's best posts, and decide for yourself.
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