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September 19, 2002

The Silflay Hraka Theory of Self-Vaccination

Environment Rich in Germs May Reduce Risk of Asthma

I keep telling the wife that leaving my toenail clippings on the coffee table is good for the for the child. Not only are they an efficient cross between potato chips and a teething ring, they are a valuable health aid. It's not an apple a day that keeps the doctor away, it's a germ a day. Sure, all the pills and potions and various nostrums help, some, but there's nothing like forcing your system to have it out with the wee beasties on a daily basis to keep a body healthy. You know how your parents used to tell you that if the medicine tasted bad, that it was good for you? I bet the rim of the toilet tastes bad, too. Go ahead, lick it! It's for your own good.

Okay, let's assume that you have some minimum degree of cleanliness in you house that renders your toilet rim hor de combat in the struggle against germs. Where to go? What to do?

Have no fear, gentle readers, for you can render yourself immune to the vast majority of morbidities, infirmities, ailments, indispositions, disorders, maladies and distempers without reducing your household environment to that of an elderly Turkish prison. Yes, by utilizing the scientific principles underlying the Silflay Hraka Theory of Self-Vaccination, you will not longer quiver in fear when confronted with a carrier of Yersinia pestis, but will be able to laugh, laugh I tell you!, in the face of danger.

Now as we all know, repeated exposure to germs creates an immune response. In order to self-vaccinate, one must first ascertain where an easily accessible, constantly renewed reservoir of germs is located, determine the most efficient way of exposing one's immune system to said germs, and then proceed to do so on a more or less regular basis. The short lifespan and fecund proclivities of the bacilli and the virii mean that evolution within their families proceeds at a rapid pace. Thus, repeated re-exposures are required so that one's immune system is always up to date.

There exists but one place where you can be assured of simple access to an veritable cornucopia of microbial life--the inside of your nose. Picking your nose and eating the boogers is the only way to assure yourself of continued good health in these uncertain times.

The nose is constantly surfing the winds of the world, drawing in all manner of sundry items. It exists as a trap for these bits of filth, which add a piquant flavor to the salty mucus and chewy nostril hairs. Don't let those germs go to waste! Eat them, and live forever. Why, in no time at all, you will be seeking out areas where germs concentrate, so that you may conquer them. The air in a crowded men's restroom, some thirty minutes after the lunch hour? That's where supermen are made. That air is golden, ripe with possibilities. Breathe deeply of the miasma, feel the new germs impact and catch on the inner surface of the nostril. Then eat, eat of your body and free yourself of care!

Posted by Bigwig at September 19, 2002 11:16 AM | TrackBack
Postscript:
First time visitor to House Hraka? Wondering if everything we produce could possibly be as brilliant/stupid/evil/pedantic/insipid/inspired as the post you just read? Check out the Hraka Essentials, the (mostly) reader-selected guide to Hraka's best posts, and decide for yourself.
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