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November 01, 2002

Frequency of Sexual Relations

Part 10 of The New Perfect Manhood - Frequency of Sexual Relations and Unbridled Liberty!

Once again we re-visit the 1916 sexual education book my beloved grandmother presented to me upon the occasion of my 12th birthday, excerpting from chapter seven of Professor T.W. Shannon's The New Perfect Manhood.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9,

Frequency of Sexual Relations.

As to how frequently married people should indulge in intercourse, there are several theories.

Let's list them;
The Husband - Once a day, and twice on weekends, at a minimum, with occasional sprinklings of spontaneous oral sex just for the sake of variety, like when I'm reading the paper.
The Wife - Only if the kids are in bed, the bills are paid, the house has been recently cleaned, the cat put out, and I have not looked at myself in the mirror for the past week.
The Children - Never, ever. The thought makes me physically ill. People over thirty should avoid any and all physical contact.
Wanna Be Grandparents - What are you doing out of bed?

A majority of men base their theory on uncontrolled desire rather than on any safe basis of reasoning and analogy.

Finally analogy assumes its rightful place in the arts of lovemaking!

Him: Let's try it again, Prudence, one last time.
Her: Certainly, Reginald.
Him: Now, If I'm a banana, and you are a monkey.
Her: What kind of a monkey?
Him: It doesn't matter what kind of a monkey, darling. You pick any kind you like.
Her: How nice of you! I certainly shall.
Him: Excellent. Now, what would a monkey do...
Her: I will be a Colobus, then. The Saturday Evening Post has the most delightful article on Colobus monkeys the other day. I was telling Mabel that..
Him: Darling, do you remember when we talked about tangents last night?
Her: Yes, that was just after we started discussing Reason and its influence on the marital bed. I must say I was quite distressed when I found you had fallen asleep.
Him: Be that as it may, my sweet, let us attempt to hew more closely to our decision to avoid treading down, if we may, every single path that our thoughts may take us, so that.....
Her: Reginald, darling, could you try to stick to the subject at hand?
Him: .....But!.......I'm so sorry darling. Now, I'm a banana.
Her: Yes
Him: And you are a pretty little Columbus monkey
Her: Colobus, dear.
Him: What!?
Her: I'm a Colobus Monkey, dear. There's no such thing as a Columbus monkey.
Him: Yes, of course. You are a Colobus monkey--A Colobus monkey with a delightful little mouth and cunning little paws.
Her: Eeep! Eeep!
Him: Yes, that's right!. You're a good little monkey! And I'm a banana! Now, what do you do with a banana?
Her: Why, I throw it away, of course.
Him: YOU WHAT!!!
Her: Throw it away, darling. Colobus monkeys only eat leaves.
Her: Yes dear, The article said they are extremely finicky.
Him: I seem to have developed a sudden headache.
Her: I'm sorry darling. Would you like to retire?
Him: I...........think I shall. Good night.
Her: Good night!

In this, as in every other problem of sex, men have been left to get their information from the degraded and ignorant classes.

Because those classes are the only ones who are any good at it.

They have blindly followed their misinformation and uncontrolled impulse into sexual excess.

Why, I knew of a man who had his lady wife sit astraddle him as he reclined, and he was run over by a locomotive the very next day! True story!

Such men know but one rule--desire.

Oddly enough, the Rule of Desire is the same as the Golden; Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The feeling you get when they don't do unto you is quite a bit different, however.

A few men have had a better environment and wholesome instruction and some others have discovered their mistakes and have put up a successful battle with their propensities and now enjoy a larger liberty.

Because they're divorced.

These men have come to see the error of prodigality in married life and are advocating more consistent methods in marriage relations.

This eminently logical practice is known as Pon Farr.

Unbridled Liberty.

A very decided majority hold to unchecked privilege as frequently as they wish.

How they managed to avoid total blindness before they were married is a miracle beyond belief.

This leads to marital excess.

And believe me, 13 months later, when you're having to diaper marital excess at 2 in the morning? You'll regret your lapse.

Multiplied thousands of married women owe their wretched health and miserable existence to their husband's views of sexual liberty.

Damn you, constitutionally mandated Pursuit of Happiness! Damn you to Hell!

At the close of one of our lectures in a city a man said: "If I could recall fifteen years and start over married life again, possessing the information I have gained from your three lectures, I would gladly present you with $100,000 and begin married life over again without a dollar."

Because he would have married someone else.

We asked him for an explanation.

Because we feared what he would do if we did not.

His reply was: "Fifteen years ago I was married to a beautiful, sweet and healthy woman.

15 years later, and she's a hag. What's up with that?

I was ignorant; I knew nothing of intelligent self-control.

That explains all the public masturbation arrests.

I understood that marriage meant liberty.

Once you read the Bill of Rights to a naked woman, she's yours forever.

I was very happy in my married life.

Do you smell smoke?

Wife never refused me.

Sir, I feel that I must inform you that your pants are on fire.

We had been married not more than a year when she had to take stimulating drugs.

In other words, you were dead boring.

She steadily grew more nervous and required more and more drugs.

You'd be nervous too, if you never knew when a man clad only in condiments was going to leap out of the dumbwaiter and have his way with you.

When we had been married only five years my wife was an invalid.

Well, playing Colonel Mustard's School of Discipline every single night of the week is bound to take it out of a girl.

My doctor said to me one day, 'You must let your wife travel for six months or a year,or you will have to put her in a graveyard in less than a year.'

This sounds less like an explanation and more like bragging with every passing second.

I had money.

Yup, Definitely bragging

I could trust the business with one of my men.

Arthur was his name. Arthur Anderson.

I could take a year off and travel with my wife.

Of course, I'd already been Around the World with her hundreds of times.

I did not know that the doctor was trying to get my wife away from me so she could have sexual rest.

Or, as Marvin Gaye didn't say

Ooh, now let's not get down tonight.
Baby I'm hot just like an oven
But you don't need no lovin'!
So baby, I'll have to hold it longer.
It's getting stronger and stronger
And when I get that feeling,
You need Sexual Healing.
Sexual Healing, oh baby,
Makes you feel so fine,
Helps to relieve thy mind
Sexual Healing baby, is good for thee.
Sexual Healing is something that's good for thee.
Whenever blue tear drops are falling,
And my emotional stability is leaving me.
There is something I can do.
I can get on the telephone and call you up baby, and
Honey I know you'll be there to not relieve me!
The love you won't give to me will free thee.
If you don't know the things you're dealing,
I can tell you, darling, that it's Sexual Healing.
Don't Get up, Get up, Get up, Get up, let's not make love tonight!
Please don't Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, so we'll not do it right

We traveled for six months.

We joined the Mile High Club!

We visited the principal palaces of scenery, pleasure and recreation.

Sodom, Gomorrah, and Paris!

I had specialists treat her. I continued my demands.

Until I ran out of Grey Poupon.

She grew steadily worse.

As she proved allergic to horseradish.

We returned home.

To our house, and its gigantic condiment pantry.

A few months passed by and I placed my wife in a graveyard.

I shall never forget our last night together; myself smoking a post-coital cigar, her lying stiff and cold and yellow in her coffin.

I see it all now.

Because of my extensive photography collection. Would you like to see it? Nudge Nudge, wink wink!

I slowly murdered my own wife by robbing her of her vitality."

The police called it......spermicide.

This false idea of personal liberty is responsible for over child-bearing.

Not to mention most Catholics.

It takes some three years for a woman to entirely recover from the sacrifice of the preceding maternity.

Or so his wife tells him.

Many a mother's life is one of unceasing service for a big family of children.

And they're all a lot of ungrateful snot-nosed bastards, the lot of them. Just ask my mother.

No time for mental improvement, rest, and pleasure.

Due to the horrible Calgon shortage experienced by the United States in the first quarter of the 20th century.

This is not right.

At this point Republicans nod their heads, Libertarians shrug their shoulders and Democrats pass a law.

Large families are rarely advisable today.

One must do what one can to keep the Irish down, certainly.

Children must be better clothed and educated.

If not, then in the very near future American schoolchildren will graduate elementary school knowing neither Algebra or Latin, and our society will collapse into barbarism.

It costs three or four times as much to support a family today as it did years ago.

Thank the Lord that the little sots may be ably employed in steel-making or some other industrial business.

If men follow their unnatural desire, some artificial or unnatural method will likely be used to prevent conception.

Thus the saying "A blowjob a day keeps the babies away!"

All of these methods are not only to some degree injurious, but they lead to greater excesses.

These were in the days before French tickler technology had come of age.

It is estimated by medical men that there are some 400,000 wives who annually go to medical men for advice and treatment after they have committed abortion, and that if this large number require medical attention, there must be 100,000 women who succeed without medical advice and treatment. This means that a half million unwelcomed children are deliberately murdered annually in America before they see the light of day.

These estimates courtesy of the American Coathanger Association.

Why this awful crime of feticide or prenatal murder? Lack of sexual control in married life, usually on the part of the husband, is the principal explanation.

Husbands cause abortions. Better not to get married at all, really.

Certainly a theory of marital relations responsible for the foregoing conditions can not be physically, socially scientifically or morally right

Which is why yours has been forgotten, my good man.

Next: For Procreation Only, Restricted Relations, and Rights of the Mother and Child

Posted by Bigwig at November 1, 2002 06:45 PM | TrackBack
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