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November 07, 2002

O.J.'s Morning and Early Afternoon

O.J.'s Morning and Early Afternoon

5:46 AM Wake up, brush teeth, take shower.
6:00 AM Count knives in upstairs knife drawer.
6:30 AM Get dressed.
6:40 AM Do some Photoshopping.
7:00 AM Count knives in kitchen knife drawer.
7:30 AM Get hamster from hamster cage.
7:31 AM Name hamster Christie.
7:32 AM Realize it's Thursday.
7:33 AM Name hamster Nicole.
7:40 AM Shave Nicole. Giggle at the fond memories that come with every nick.
8:00 AM Bandage hamster bites on finger, get vial of sugar water.
8:10 AM Stake hamster down outside ant hill in backyard, suck on new bites.
8:15 AM Bandage new hamster bites.
8:17 AM Leave trail of sugar water from anthill to hamster.
8:20 AM Pour remainder of sugar water on hamster. Sing a little song.
Raindrops are falling on your head,
and soon you will be dead, dead, dead, dead, dead!

8:30 AM @^@%#$@* ants haven't discovered the sugar water. Jab at anthill with Boot knife #12, "Starkweather."
8:35 AM Go inside for ant frying magnifying glass.
8:40 AM Notice knife in magnifying glass drawer. The world goes pink around the edges.
8:42 AM Move knife to kitchen knife drawer. Count knives. Notice slight notch on Steak Knife #24, "Olaf."
8:43: AM Sharpen Olaf. Sing a little song.
"If you're happy and you know it, slit her throat.
If you're happy and you know it, slit her throat.
If you're happy and you know it, then her neck will surely show it!
If you're happy and you know it, slit her throat."

9:00 AM Return Olaf to kitchen knife drawer.
9:01 AM Count knives in kitchen knife drawer.
9:31 AM Count knives in upstairs knife drawer.
10:02 AM Get magnifying glass #8 from magnifying glass drawer, realize that the sky has clouded over. Return to magnifying glass drawer.
10:03 AM Replace magnifying glass #8 in magnifying glass drawer. Get magnifying glass #11 from magnifying glass drawer, and flashlight #3 from flashlight closet.
10:05 AM Return to backyard, realize hamster has bitten through bindings. Migraine. Everything red. Drop magnifying glass and flashlight. Hear them scream as they fall.
10:06 AM Massage temples, rock back and forth. Sing the song that makes the pain go away.
It's a world of laughter,
A world of tears;
It's a world of hopes
And a world of fears.
There's so much that we share
That it's time we were aware.
It's a small world after all.
It's a small world after all,
It's a small world after all.
It's a small world after all.
It's a small, small world.

10:07 - 10:45 AM Repeat.
11:15 AM Wake up nude on floor of kitchen. Remove pants from garbage disposal, shirt from ceiling fan. Fail to locate Spongebob boxers. Bandage hamster bite on left testicle.
11:30 AM Search house for hamster.
11:45 AM Search backyard for hamster. Find grasshopper instead.
11:52 AM Pull the legs off grasshopper, throw in spiderweb. Watch Nature in all her fury.
12:00 PM Attempt to pet spider. Fail. Crush spider in bare hands.
12:01 PM Lick hands clean. They taste like......victory.
12:30 PM Get dressed again.
12:35 PM Answer knock at door, deny all knowledge of any naked man on roof earlier in the day to blond Policewoman and partner
12:40 PM Ask out blond Policewoman
12:45 PM Rub salve on testicles
1:00 PM Watch Discovery Channel documentary on "Manatees: Nature's Gentle Giants."
2:00 PM Resolve to go boating.

Posted by Bigwig at November 7, 2002 01:53 PM | TrackBack
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