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November 13, 2002

News in Brief Yasser Arafat

News in Brief

Yasser Arafat angrily decried Israeli plans to build man-made islands off the country's Mediterranean coast today, denouncing them as illegal settlements in the ancestral home waters of the Palestinian people.

"The continuing Israeli occupation of ancestral Palestinian areas must be halted at once." said Arafat, who announced plans for a massive Palestinian sit-in on the bare patches of sea water.

"We will no longer ask for the fulfillment of the Palestinian Right of Return." Arafat continued, "We will take back what is ours, as soon as we can purchase 6 million life jackets and gas up the Palestinian Navy's outboard."

Arafat's call to action, dubbed "Operation Leave a Ring around the Med" by former prime minister Bibi Netanyahu, has received surprisingly
widespread support from within Israel. Posters and placards in support of the plan have appeared in every city in the West Bank and Israel, depicting the smiling leader of all Palestine in his trademark keffiyah, and bearing the slogan "Yasser Arafat, Israeli chum!"

A local Tel-Aviv company, Moskowitz Artificial Reefs, Ltd. has announced that it will fund the entire project, including the manufacture of custom life jackets, as long as a team of French diplomats accompany the Palestinians as international observers.

France initially opposed the idea, but surrendered on the point as expected when an Israeli negotiator cleared her throat in a possibly threatening manner.

............................................

In other news, a spokesman for Hamas announced today that it had completed an internal investigation into the causes of Palestinian suicide bombing, and as a result would be issuing a fatwa against the cast and crew of the MTV television show, "Jackass."

"As peaceful followers of Islam, the religion of peace, We were obviously upset and distressed when we first heard allegations that members of Hamas might be involved in the regrettable explosions of recent months," said spokesman Hasan Yosef. "After a thorough investigation into the circumstances and personalities involved in each explosion, we have determined that these were not premeditated acts of violence, but rather accidents that occurred when otherwise sensible Palestinian youths imitated stunts they had seen on the television show "Jackass."

Yosef outlined the content of the fatwa at length, dwelling particularly on a passage calling on all member of the Ummah to send protest letters to Viacom, MTV's parent company.

A spokesman for MTV declined to comment, other than to point out that Jackass star Johnny Knoxville looks Arabic if you squint really hard.

Posted by Bigwig at November 13, 2002 08:11 PM | TrackBack
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