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February 20, 2003

Stealing First Following the lead

Stealing First

Following the lead of their parents and elders, who have poured out French wine and renamed French fries to Victory Fries, America's teenagers have forsworn the French kiss, opting instead to go directly from hand-holding to heavy petting in support of the war on terrorism.

"Brett, my boyfriend, was like, really hesitant about it to start off with?" said Judy Stein, 14. "He was really against it, you know? He was like, they did all this art and culture and stuff, and there was this guy Lafayette who was George Washington's brother or something, so it's not right, and anyway George Bush wasn't really elected. But once I told him that I would touch....you know.....IT, he was like 'Ok, fuck those guys.'"

While the boycott against french kissing is not yet widespread, many experts consider it only a matter of time.

"Kids today, unlike the unwashed and drug-crazed hippies of an earlier generation, are actively seeking a system of values to live by." says former Secretary of Education William Bennett. "Love of country is much more important to them now, and what better way for a teenagers to show that love than by dry humping like crazed weasels? It's not only more patriotic than frenching, it's healtheir. No one realizes the thousands of man-hours lost to mononucleosis each year in this country better than America's teenagers, and they're looking Jacques Chirac in the eye and saying 'Enough! Enough with your germs!'"

While many adults support a decision to cease indulging in "Frog licking", as the practice is now known, they worry about the effect on modern sexual theorization.

Renowned baseball player Yogi Berra worries about the bases. "If we take away the frenching, what does first base become? Is it the feel, the finger? Who do we put on their bases then? You can't just skip first. You can't score if you don't touch all the bases!"

Other baseball experts, including Dr. Ruth Westheimer, think that opening up a base is just what current sexual theory needs. "It solves the age old question of where to put fellatio. Before it was confusing. Is fellatio a stand-up triple, or is it a good lead off third? Some have claimed that it's a run walked in, and others claim it's the result of a balk. Frankly, putting it on third and moving the others up a base not only relieves a good deal of confusion, it more closely mirrors the behavior of the modern middle-school pupil."

Judy agrees with Secretary Bennett about love of country, especially when it comes to Brett.

"He's like, patriotic? All the time now." she stated, idly rubbing a wrist. "Yesterday we were patriotic on the schoolbus, at lunch and during history. Mr. Richardson the history teacher caught us, but he was like a Marine? So once Brett told him how were were being patriotic and supporting our soldiers, he was all like simper fly or something like that? Anyway, we both got A's on our pop quiz. He said he couldn't wait to tell his wife."

Jessica stopped massaging her wrists long enough for one last thought. "You know what I think? I think it's about love. If it feels right, then do it, for your country."

Update: Truth outdoes me yet again. Schoolkids to Be Asked to Consider Oral Sex

Posted by Bigwig at February 20, 2003 01:04 PM | TrackBack
Postscript:
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