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April 08, 2003

Minister of Fantasy Island The

Minister of Fantasy Island

The latest briefing from the Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf:

Good afternoon, members of the press. Here is the latest information we have on the American led invasion of our beloved country.

First, we are winning. I hear many reports suggesting that Iraq is losing this war and it makes me question where these news agencies are getting their information. They obviously are not watching the same conflict that I am. The tanks that are currently rolling through our nation's capital are under Iraqi control. We have instructed our fighting men to take over these tanks and then purposely blow up our own stuff to confuse the Americans. So far, it appears to be working. Yesterday, our men stormed one of Saddam's palaces, disguised as American soldiers, as a joke........we got you. We did so to show the world that we are in charge and still go where we want to in this city. Did I mention that we are winning? We plan on continuing to blow up our own city until the allied forces believe they have defeated us, so that they will leave the country and we can continue to rape and pillage our own people as we see fit. I believe it is working. Our city is almost in ruins, and the Americans think they are winning this war.

Furthermore, we attacked a bunker last night in which Saddam and his highest ranking officals were present. We did so in an effort to show the world that we are crazy and should be feared. Our military strategy is a simple one, use our superior military might to crush the infidels and return Iraq to a leadership position in the Arab world.

I have also heard a number of wild claims by uninformed news sources around the world. One accusation is that the Iraqi military is using women and children as human shields. This is very untrue. Those women and children just happened to not be paying attention and completely by circumstance walked in front of our vehicles as we were passing by a bridge. You take it as human shields, we take it as a sign from God that He is on our side.

There are many rumors that the ruling party of Iraq has been planning to flee the country. Again, this is a complete misinterpretation of the facts. The truth is that the ruling party has proven its strength by soundly defeating the United States' aggression against us, and we are bored. We have decided that we are tired of being in this city and need new challenges to keep us "fresh," so we are thinking of going to different places to break the monotony of ruling here.

Finally, I have one more note to the allied forces who are getting their Western tails kicked on our battlefields. We do have a secret weapon that has been kept hidden thus far that you should be aware of. All of our military men have the ability to let pigs fly out of their asses that will attack coalition forces if the need arises. These pigs are wicked mean and could cause quite a mess if unleashed. You have been warned.

Posted by Woundwort at April 8, 2003 01:11 PM | TrackBack
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