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May 16, 2003

American Idolatry

Ngnat and the Sainted Wife spend an hour in the big bed every Tuesday night, cuddling up under the blankets to watch American Idol, or as Ngnat calls them "The Singers." I usually escape to the computer/library/guest bedroom for most of the program, but sadly I know enough about the shoe that when the Raleigh N&O and the Birmingham News each came up with ten reasons to vote for Clay or Reuben, many of them made sense to me.

Top 10 reasons to vote for Clay

10 - Clay transformed from bespectacled geek to suburban love god in four short months. Ruben? He has only changed the color of his football jerseys.
9 - Clay handles the judges' critiques with grace and humor. Ruben looks as if he's about to be sent to his room.
8 - Clay never lets them see him sweat. Ruben could use a mop.
7 - Ruben's dimples can't compare to Clay's wiggles.
6 - According to Paula, Clay's spirit can dance.
5 - Football player vs. special education teacher. Who's the real American idol?
4 - Clay hails from a city with a little more to offer than an area code that can be attractively displayed.
3 - Americans love people who can overcome challenges. Clay has triumphed over that eye flutter.
2 - Perpetually grumpy Simon called Clay's performance of "To Love Somebody" the best of any American Idol competition.
1 - Barry White is still around. Clay is an original.

Top 10 reasons to vote for Ruben

10 - Ruben doesn't need makeup.
9 - Critics say Ruben could be the next Luther Vandross. They say Clay would be perfect playing a singing fork in Broadway's "Beauty and the Beast."
8 - Since Ruben started a national fashion trend with his colorful jerseys, everybody knows that Birmingham's area code is 205. Even hard-core "Idol" watchers (outside of Raleigh) wouldn't know Clay's area code from his waist size.
7 - Onstage, Ruben oozes Southern charm and warmth. Onstage, Clay twitches and winks when he hits the high notes.
6 - Ruben's fans use several affectionate nicknames, including the Velvet Teddy Bear and the Round Mound of Sound. Clay's fans know him by, uh, Clay.
5 - Ruben thrilled fans with his version of "Sweet Home, Alabama." Clay has yet to mention his home state in song, though his voice is perfect for "Nothing could be finer than to be in ..."
4 - In a celebrity boxing match, Clay would be a mosquito on the big man's arm.
3 - How could you not vote for a guy whose favorite foods are chicken wings and fried green tomatoes?
2 - Simon has never, ever said to Ruben, "That was horrible."
1 - One word: "Grease."

Many made sense, not all, thank God. No idea what the Grease reference is, for instance.

Please don't enlighten me.

If someone must win, my preferred outcome being the earth opening up and swallowing them all, or at least Paula Abdul, whole, I'd like it to be Reuben. Not because Clay annoys me endlessly with that Barry Manilow as a geek impression, though he does, but because it would prove Salon wrong.

And it's always nice to prove people who look at America and see only race wrong.

Zod: So what you're saying here is "Vote for Rueben, 'cause he's black."
Certainly not. My preference would be that no one vote.

Posted by Bigwig at May 16, 2003 02:01 PM | TrackBack
Postscript:
First time visitor to House Hraka? Wondering if everything we produce could possibly be as brilliant/stupid/evil/pedantic/insipid/inspired as the post you just read? Check out the Hraka Essentials, the (mostly) reader-selected guide to Hraka's best posts, and decide for yourself.
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