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July 20, 2003

It's Time To Play The Music, It's Time To Light The Lights

I have awoken from my slumber and decided to change my ways. This shocking news story has shown me the consequences of my behavior.

A husband and wife in Minnesota, a college student in Georgia, a young executive in New York. Though each has distinct motives for packing up, they agree the United States is growing too conservative and believe Canada offers a more inclusive, less selfish society.

"For me, it's a no-brainer," said Mollie Ingebrand, a puppeteer from Minneapolis who plans to go to Vancouver with her lawyer husband and 2-year-old son.

You realize, that if this trend continues, that the puppeteer and lawyer population of Canada will one day dwarf that of the United States?

Did we defeat communism just to be faced with this?

Mr. and Mrs. American! You must rise up and throw off your chains! Don't you realize that Puppeteers! Are! Moving! To! Canada!!!!!!!!!?

Also lawyers, but.....Puppeteers! Puppeteers!!!!! What are we going to do? What about the children? Won't someone please think of the children?

Now, sit down, collect your thoughts. I know that you are as upset about this as I am. But we have to get together right now and figure out how to keep the American puppeteer population happy, else one day Kermit, Fozzy Bear, Missy Piggy and all the other Muppets will be drinking 7 percent beer, singing the joys of hockey and toking up on PBS.

I ask you; Is a world where Canada dominates the puppeteering industry one you want to live in? Is that a world anyone wants to live in? Frankly, it's just one step closer to damn dirty apes ruling the planet.

You gotta think here, gotta brainstorm. Gotta do it right now. It may already be too late!

I pray that it isn't. Please, American puppeteers, please give us a chance to win you back! For pity's sake, don't make us beg.

Following are my suggestions to placate those who have made literally dozens of children smile with their art throughout the ages. I urge President Bush and Congress to pass them into law as soon as humanly possible.

Let it be resolved that:

1. All puppets are granted immediate and LEGAL status as "Real Boys."

2. Oscar the Grouch will take Bob Novak's place on Crossfire.

3. Meet The Feebles and Being John Malkovich should be added to the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movies of all time. No one really cares about The Jazz Singer and City Lights, we can toss them.

4. The likeness of Gepetto should be added to Mount Rushmore.

5. The NEA's puppetry budget shall be doubled, nay, tripled to the amount of $300 per annum.

6. The phrase "There are no strings on me" shall be stricken from the English language.

7. Every company that would have featured Dennis Miller must instead now book Fozzy Bear.

8. "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" will no longer be sung during the seventh inning stretch. Patrons will instead sing "The Lonely Goatherd" from the Sound of Music.

9. Bert and Ernie's relationship is immediately recognized as the nation's first civil union, one legal in all 50 states.

10. The Department of String Arts be created and made a cabinet level position, to be filled in perpetuity by a Henson.

11. "S'alright" will replace "nominal" during all NASA transmissions.

12. The bald eagle shall be removed from its place as the national symbol, and replaced by Big Bird.

13. The Muppets, having taken Manhattan, now own it.

This baker's dozen should only be the beginning. I urge you to write every Congressmen and Senator. Urge them to champion these few suggestions, and send them ones of your own. The time to act is now, the responsibility is yours. If you don't do it, if we don't do it, then the America we grew up in will be no more.

As God is my witness, if we don't nip this in the bud, then the mimes are next.

Don't make my child grow up in a world of Canadian mimes.

Posted by Bigwig at July 20, 2003 12:04 AM | TrackBack
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Brilliant! I suggest that inner city and after school programs be created with taxpayer dollars to train the next generation of puppeteers. This is one area in which we can not afford to fall behind. China, India, and others have made great strides in the outsourcing of puppeteers and America's economic future depends on this vital profession.

Posted by: Kevin at July 20, 2003 12:41 AM

I look forward to the day when expat mimes try to return to the U.S. and crash into an invisible glass barrier at the border.

Posted by: Fred Boness at July 20, 2003 01:25 AM

It could be the generous tax-incentives and "free" health-care available to puppeteers north of the border.

Posted by: Ghost of a flea at July 20, 2003 01:22 PM

Hoo, ha ah hah hah hah!!

This gets a link!

Fred Boness, that is a mental image I will cherish for the rest of my life. Oh, that's classic. Why is it that you'll never go wrong portraying mimes in pain? Comedy GOLD!!


Posted by: David Strain at July 20, 2003 05:26 PM

Hey, hey, what about girl puppets?! I hardly think they want to be considered "Real boys"! Oppressor!

Posted by: Andrea Harris at July 21, 2003 09:54 AM

Oh! The biting satirist scores again. Good stuff.

Posted by: Yomamma at July 21, 2003 10:21 AM

Well, if it makes you feel any better, Bigwig, at least one lawyer will be staying here. Somebody's got to do the oppressin' here in Amerikkka.

Importantly, as a conservative, I'm also a puppet of the Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeevilllllllllll Vast Right Wing Conspiracy(Tm), so I'm a two-fer.

Posted by: Omnibus Bill at July 21, 2003 10:27 AM

I suggest that Puppeteer-Americans be immediately and henceforth added to the list of "preferable" minorities for the purposes of qualifying for Diversity status at all of our major institutes of higher learning.

Anything to keep the puppeteer-balance-of-power from spinning wildly out of kilter!

Posted by: Wylie at July 21, 2003 02:52 PM

Yeah, at least puppeteering is a middle class activity. America can live without its middle class - just the very poor who do all the work, and the minority very rich who just keep getting richer. What do you need a middle class for?

Posted by: Larry Lurex at July 22, 2003 10:10 AM

I think we'd do just fine minus a few thousand puppeteers and lawyers.

Red America - where all the good, hardworking taxpayers live - kinda likes the way things are going. Better brace yourself for 4 more years of the same.

Posted by: Wylie at July 23, 2003 02:32 PM
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