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June 16, 2003

Message Of The Day 6/16/2003

Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, I sent the Saudi Religious Police the following message:

From: Naif bin Abdul Aziz Al-Saud

City: Riyadh


Sin: Immoral Observations

Greetings to you, revered imams. May the loins of your Filipino slaves glisten hairlessly through the night like the polished knobs in the mansion of Allah, or the gill slits of the Bluefin tuna, Venus of the Ocean. My name is Naif bin Abdul Aziz Al-Saud and I need assistance with my immoral observations. Thank you for providing this service, as heretofore I have been somewhat less than proficient in my practice of them. My romantic abnormality, one shared by all of my house yet hidden from the public, has forced me to share these thoughts only with the objects of my fancy, and they have spurned my questions most rudely. Having no wish to offend the prophet, peace be upon him, I despaired of my sanity until the Djinn known as Google led me to your site.

Tell me, how does one determine the sex of a fish? All I see drive my loins into a frenzy of lust, yet I have no wish to spend my seed in the anal ducts of a female, as that would be displeasing to Allah and disgusting to myself.

I have been to my uncle, King Fahd bin Abdul Aziz, who first taught me of the joys of making my own caviar after learning of this joy from renowned actor Troy McClure, but he has been of little help, as he has become addicted to the joys of the cadiru, and I as yet prefer the honor of insertion to the duties of reception, at least I think that I do. All of my attempts at creating the special love that exists between a man and his mackerel have foundered on the rocks of identification, for I cannot ascertain the difference between the male and the females of the species, Allah not having seen fit to cover the disgusting nakedness of the female mackerel with a piscine burkha.

Please aid me in this soonest, as the fishmonger in Riyadh has closed his shop to me, and I need a date for my families private showing of Finding Nemo.

Yours respectfully,

Prince Naif bin Abdul Aziz Al-Saud


If you'd like to send a message of your own, a handy list of names to use can be found here, and directions for the form are here. Remember to leave us a copy!

Posted by Bigwig at June 16, 2003 12:06 PM | TrackBack
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Okay, this immoral observations stuff has to stop. I have wasted more perfectly good Diet Cokes reading these than you can imagine! You, sir, have a new fan.

Posted by: kelley at June 18, 2003 01:22 AM

Will be watching with great interest to see what kind (and gender) of fishies you bring home from the annual deep-sea fishing, flatulence and fraternity event this year.

Posted by: fredf at June 18, 2003 05:35 AM

You are an evil imperialist bastard!

Posted by: Dean Esmay at June 18, 2003 08:14 AM

Sir - outstanding - I have added you to my daily list of reads o0f blogs I may be able to steal material from.

Posted by: Phil at June 18, 2003 10:46 AM

How in the name of all that is holy did you come across that Brazilian website? I had totally forgotten that all we are is dust in the wind, oh, and to never urinate into it, and especially never, never "urinando dentro do rio". Doh!

Posted by: KL duPre' at June 18, 2003 07:13 PM

It was Google, KL. Google knows all, sees all. I just happened to ask the right question that day.

Posted by: bigwig at June 18, 2003 11:26 PM

hi all! thanx for this topic - it's quitely indeed..

Posted by: andy at May 7, 2004 04:50 PM
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